As I’ve said a couple of times, I’m a not-so-good Catholic who hasn’t been to mass (don’t tell me mam) since this particular incident about 25 years ago.
Thanks Mam.
I was out drinking on Christmas Eve and got so drunk The Lord descended on me, and my legs were filled with the Holy Spirit, or some sort of spirit. I was transported out of the pub, over the roundabout, through the graveyard and into the church for midnight mass.
It had just started and it was absolutely jammed, which surprised me.
I sneaked in at the back and stood swaying in the shadows. I remembered my serious religious face from school assemblies, so I employed it once again.
It’s worth mentioning at this point that I’d had a kebab earlier and we all know what kebabs can do to you, and sorry to be crude, but during ‘We Three Kings of Orient Are’, I let off a teeny tiny bit of celestial wind. No one heard, so it was all fine.
However, this teeny tiny bit of wind didn’t want to waste its big moment. There was a couple in front. The wife suddenly looked agitated and gave her husband the exact same look that Godzilla gave Ghidorah before he blasted him with his lasers. Not having laser breath, she dug him on the arm viciously instead. She then raised her hymn book and gave him another look that I interpreted as ‘do that again and I’ll plug it with O Little Town of Bethlehem.’
Job done, the teeny tiny bit of intestinal content ascended to heaven triumphantly.
But I haven’t written this to proudly tell you about my fart, no, the point of this was to tell you what happened next. The fart was just a childish aside. The priest was halfway through his very long sermon when the doors of the church crashed open and a hooded figure burst in.
‘My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves,’ the hooded figure yelled.
He walked down the aisle with arms raised to the heavens and to be honest it looked quite impressive.
Not sure about you but I couldn’t remember that from the bible.
Then he started pointing like Michael Buble at the O2.
‘Where were you last week? Point.
Or the week before?’ Point.
‘I’ve never seen you here before, you old @£$$%&*. And you, you heathen @£$%*&’ Point, point, point.
As well as pointing, you will have noticed there was a lot of swearing, more swearing than I’d heard in church before, even though we’d had plenty of Irish priests.
He got to the altar and stood with his arms outstretched.
And then I saw deep inside his hoodie and realise it was Mike. I went to school with him and had seen him earlier in the kebab shop. I remember he looked a bit worse for wear then but nothing too religious, and definitely nothing a donna with hot sauce wouldn’t sort out.
Then I saw a man get up from the front row, this guy was ancient, I was 40 rows back but still heard the creak of his spine.
‘WHAT?’ shrieked Mike. ‘That’s it. For once, I will not turn the other cheek, old moneylender,’ and he raced down the altar steps to give the man, who was 50 years older than him, a right battering. The creaky old man creaked forward to receive his battering in the name of God.
Before these two titans clashed, a voice rang out from the heavens.
Or more precisely row 6.
A small figure stood up.
It was Mike’s mum, who I also recognised from school days.
‘Come here, I’ve saved you a spot.’
I’ve never seen the wind knocked out of someone’s sails as quickly as that. Mike blinked and looked around, as if he’d been asleep for 40 days and 40 nights in the Judaean Desert.
‘Over here, you idiot.’
Mike shuffled off to sit with his mam.
Midnight Mass has been canceled at our local church.
If you got this far down, and sort of enjoyed it, then maybe you’d like to read this:
It’s about a walk with Norman (you may have guessed that), and the people we meet and the fun we have along the way.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Thanks Ian that’s absolutely hilarious!!
Glad you enjoyed it Gaynor. Have a great weekend 🙂
Cracking story. I recall midnight mass on Christmas Eve in my day and the wiff of celestial wind in the air as well as the wiff of pints of Guinness off the breath of many a man. Fond memories as Christmas had begun.
There seems to be a lot of celestial wind in churches, and Guinness-fueled celestial wind is even more potent 🙂
priceless, I reckon mass would be busier if we had more like MIke!!
Mike certainly knew how to get your attention. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Thankfully I’m in the office myself today, so the snorting of my cuppa out my nose while laughing has gone unnoticed! I really need to stop having beverages while reading these.
Another brilliant story 😀
Thanks Gill, and sorry about the coffee up your nostrils, sounds painful. Enjoy the peaceful office 🙂
A “donna with hot sauce”?? I think Donna might object (or maybe not, who knows?) but I expect Mike could get a doner if he asked nicely enough…
Haha, luckily Donna didn’t turn up at the church, that would’ve been interesting 🙂
I married a Catholic ( I’m a heathen )
one year, in the early days of marriage, my mother and sister in law, envegled me to accompany them and my husband to a Christmas midnight Mass, and at the end of the exceedingly long sermon the priest, vicar, frocked person, asked if anyone would like to step forward and receive ” the faith” my in laws picked me up off the hard bench and tried to strong arm me to the front, well the air went blue, mainly due to the fact I was full of Christmas spirit ( gin ) and I made my escape, never been invited since – phew
Haha, Susan, that’s the way to make sure you don’t get invited back. Good work 🙂 Have a great weekend
So funny, keep them coming.
Thanks Jillian, I will do. Have a good weekend 🙂
Never been to Midnight Mass but if that’s the kind of stuff that happens I might give it a go ???!
Haha, yes it was eventful. But sadly, midnight mass at that church has been moved to 7.00pm, think they might have to change its name. Have a good weekend 🙂
Brilliant ?
Thanks Shaun 🙂
Thanks sharing, what a brilliant story!
Thanks Paula, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
This is going to keep me laughing all through the weekend – brilliant !
Thanks Richard, glad you enjoyed it and it made you laugh. Enjoy your weekend 🙂
I’m new here, but that really made me laugh ! Brings back memories of Midnight Mass from my childhood, notably drunk teenagers.
Hi Jackie, thanks for signing up for the emails 🙂 Glad it made you laugh. I assume you were the drunk teenager 🙂 Have a good weekend
Wonderful story. My wife’s father used to play the organ, so as we were staying there, we used to attend the village chirch on Christmas Eve.
Standing room only at times and we used to have a guess at who would pass out first. It usually happened as those standing at the back had always arrived late from the pub. Brightened up an evening.
Thanks Alan. I was one of those standing at the back. I didn’t pass out though, it was too exciting 🙂
My dad used to stand at the back of the church for Midnight Mass, fresh as a star and trying to look sober ??. Great memories.
That was exactly my tactic, don’t think I managed it 🙂
???
:):):)
Disgraceful behaviour! And in the house of The Lord as well, tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. You wouldn’t get this kind of behaviour if this was in the middle of the city! Chances are somebody else would have Leaped to the defence of the arl fella, then someone else would have got involved, and before you knew, half the church would have been involved & police called, after which the local police station would have resembled the scene from Fairytale of New York at the beginning ?
Wow, that escalated very quickly at your local church. I’ll get me mam to pray for them all 🙂
Ah yes, many, many Midnight Masses that were at the end of the long road from town where we started in a pub at one end at 7pm and got to the church at the other end around 11.45pm to be met by the local Detective Constable doing Bouncer duty and only getting through the door as he knew our parents and its just possible he’d have had more stick for keeping 2 drunk teenagers out than the drunk teenagers would get for being drunk! Parents always won in the end by volunteering us to sweep the church after Mass when everyone was in the Church Hall passing around the Sherry and Baileys!
Haha, probably safer for the general public if you’re locked up in church 🙂 Sounds like a great town, one long street with pubs
In the golden age of our teens there were 14 pubs between our house and Church! Including one called The Golden Age! Christmas Eve was the time to try and get a drink in them all before Mass. ??
Brilliant, although it would have been a miracle if I’d made it after 14 pints 🙂
Help! I think you broke my face!! It can’t stop grinning ???
Thank you.
Have a great weekend ?
Haha, glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend yourself 🙂
Ian I’m not sure where you get you stories from but they are hilarious. Keep them coming
I keep remembering stuff and most of it turns out to be pretty silly, that’s my writing process 🙂 Have a great weekend
Thanks. Reminds me of the last time I went to Midnight Mass (1967 aged 14 after a couple of Babychams with my friend Rosemary). Actually, I did go to Midnight Mass in a monastery in Austria about 50 years later when on hols but no Babycham, no giggling and no fun.
Those babychams use to be very strong in 1967, that’s what I remember 🙂
That’s the funniest Christmas story ever??
My daughter let out a really loud fart at her christening but as she was only 3 months old she could be excused!
Haha, is your daughter still doing that?
At my cousin’s wedding, in the silence following “If any body knows of any reason…..” the 5 year old pageboy let out a fart so enormous it almost lifted him off his feet. He has never been allowed to forget it!
That is perfect timing, well done page boy, hope he didn’t injure himself 🙂
That’s a cracker Ian, please keep ’em coming!
Merry Christmas
xx
Thanks Sharon, I like the Christmas pun there, glad you enjoyed it 🙂 Merry Christmas to you too xx
I’m reading this on Sunday morning, in bed. Chuckling so hard the bed’s moving and my husband is giving me funny looks.
Haha Lin, glad you enjoyed it, say sorry to your husband for me for waking him up 🙂
Can’t stop laughing thats hilarious ?
No mobile phones in those days as without a doubt it would have been filmed and straight onto Facebook lol
Another great email , thanks Ian ?
Thanks Julia. Yes, it would’ve made a good and very shouty Facebook video. Good job there’s no smell-o-vision- as well 🙂