Chapter 1- The Neighbours
Norman thinks licking my face while I bend down to tie my laces will speed things up, and he’s right. I grab his lead, wipe the saliva out of my eyeball and we’re off out the door.
If you could see inside his soul, this is what Norman looks like:
If I put a bit more effort in, and flatter him a little, he looks more like this:
It’s early, 6.30 am. And this is the reason it’s so early:
Norman’s bowels. He’s regular and whines like a baby from six onwards.
He has a lot of ‘comfort’ breaks on the walk because his intestines have Great Dane/African Elephant aspirations, hence the upgrade to the 50kg rucksack.
I head down the street, Norman’s friends are already out.
Before I reach the corner, I get my first compliment from a woman I’ve never met before.
‘You’re a handsome fella, aren’t you?’ she says enthusiastically. ‘What a cute little facey.’
A little bit much maybe… but recently, when I’m out and about with Norman, I’ve been getting a lot of compliments. Don’t tell my wife, Diane. I may be 58, and I don’t want to boast, but age has obviously been good to me. It only started happening about the time we got Norman.
‘What a beautiful boy,’ she continued.
She gives Norman another stroke and a tickle and moves on.
Aglow with my newfound gorgeousness, I turn down the lane towards the fields.
I have this fairly set walk involving some fields, a rugby pitch, a wood, a river, the beach, and a cave with a monster in it.
But first, there’s one neighbour I need to avoid at all costs. So I speed Norman down the lane towards the main road.
I whizz passed No. 15 who loves a Sunday roast with parsnips, carrots and a sprig of thyme on top. I don’t know this person, and my magical powers are limited to none, but it’s bin day and they never shut their bin lid. The local seagulls form an orderly queue on the pavement.
I wave to Robert in the window at No.20.
It’s not Robert. I used to work with Robert and I saw him in town the other day. He told me he lives at 19 not 20. So about a year ago, I made a new friend.
No. 26 is Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Ruler of The Seven Kingdoms and Protector of Humanity. As the sun rises, there’s still energy in his solar-powered torches to allow safe passage through his imaginary portcullis to his three-bedroomed semi.
I get passed all these and we’re almost at the main road, I’m tense.
The bin who always hides further down the street just for fun was there again.
I promise I won’t tell his owners, then I cross the road and start to run.
That’s the first few pages, hope you liked it.
If you want another 150 pages, it’s available to buy right here:
Take care and all the best,
Ian
