This week, I was lucky enough to have been watching telly during the cold spell, and it saved my life.
You see, there was an expert on there giving advice on how to drive in cold weather. He told me the first thing you should do before driving off is clear the snow from your windscreen.
If I hadn’t seen that programme, I would have driven off without being able to see out of my windscreen, and no doubt ended up over the nearest cliff.
It didn’t matter though because the expert failed to tell me to take my blindfold off, so I ended up dashed on the rocks anyway.
Additional Telly Tip: if you do get stuck in ice, put some cat litter, that you always have in the boot, in front of your tyres and you’ll be flying along.
The day after that, I was putting my jeans on and I became confused because my gut wouldn’t fit into them anymore, and I didn’t know what to do.
(FYI: that’s not a fancy Christmas pudding tattoo on my belly, it’s supposed to represent cause and effect. If you need to explain a drawing then it’s rubbish, sorry)
A fitness guru on the telly came to my rescue. He told me that often people put weight on over Christmas, and the reason for this is: they eat too much.
I prefer my theory to be honest. I assumed the universe had finished its expansion phase and was starting to contract and my gut was the only thing that wasn’t.
Luckily, assuming the guru is correct, there’s a solution – eat less.
Additional Telly Tip: pizza is bad for you.
One second, I’m just going to do this.
That’s better.
On the way to the supermarket the other day, I checked my bank account, and guess what? There was nowt in it.
Why was that?
I was beginning to think I’d better send the last of my money to that Nigerian Prince who’d been emailing me, but then a celebrity came on the telly and told me how to fix it.
No, no, no, it wasn’t Gregg Wallace, but the advice was the same. You know those own-brand beans that taste watery and poo, they’re a lot cheaper than the thick and mouthwatering Heinz version. What? And this applies to other own-brand stuff as well. Wow. And if you buy food from the reduced section, it’s cheaper.
Additional Telly Tip: only buy what you need. So I put back the suit of armour for guinea pigs and the dinosaur skull with Nicholas Cage’s face. That saved me a fortune.
After all this, my body went a bit quiet. And this freaked me out, because I was told yesterday on This Morning that I had to listen to my body in 2025.
I waited because the mindfulness expert also said I had to be patient with my body. It worked because my body started telling me exactly what to do.
Body: Sharp pain in the knee
Translation: Buy a prosthetic limb
Body: Dull ache under the ribs
Translation: Phone solicitor and sort will out
Body: Gnawing spasm behind the eyes
Translation: Call Co-Op Funeral Care immediately
Body: Excessive wind
Translation: Everything’s completely normal and nothing to worry about
Yet again, thank you telly experts, how would we get by without you?
If you have any telly expert advice, let me know in the comments below, just to increase our database of invaluable knowledge.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)