Lent has started and this reminded me of a life-changing moment that happened to 8-year-old me.
No, although me mam did make me do that. This was much worse.
I was minding my own business in school, staring out of the window and doodling, the kind of thing I did constantly between the ages of 2 and – well – now.
Then a priest came into our classroom. Nothing unusual there either. It was a Catholic School, they were always knocking about. He was talking about God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit as usual, so I drifted off further into a world where boredom didn’t exist.
Then I heard him say this.
The Calling? What was he talking about? THE CALLING
He continued. ‘Our Lord above will let you know if you have been chosen to be one of his disciples. to join the priesthood and serve your community for the good of God. Only a few will be called to this sacred task, so listen carefully for the voice of the Lord speaking to you, calling you to his heavenly mission.’
On the way home, I stopped off for my Spiderman and Hulk comics and then it came to me, loud and clear.
Yes, God has a very long finger, and more importantly, I’d got the stupid calling. I had to become a priest.
It was exactly as the priest said. Something in my head had told me. Not something – God.
I was absolutely raging.
I was supposed to play for Liverpool, or be an astronaut, or go on 3-2-1 with Dusty Bin… Not anymore. I’d got THE CALLING and that was that.
For about two years of my life, I knew I was going to become a priest. I started reading The Bible for loopholes, reasons why God had got this one wrong, I said the rosary for 40 days and 40 nights and had serious chats kneeling beside my bed.
‘Look God, you’ve completely got this wrong. I know you’re never usually wrong but this time you’ve totally dropped a clanger. ‘
Me begging: ‘I’ve got other plans, listen to me, oh powerful one (sucking up) did you see me on the pitch today, I only fell over once and the PE Teacher said I was a little bit better than crap, so things are looking up for Liverpool. Please.,. and I like what you’ve done with your beard. Gorgeous.’
No matter what anyone says, God is not a good listener. In the back of my mind, he was always there still saying the same thing…
And then a miracle happened.
When I was in the Cubs and we were playing the classic Cubs game of throwing tennis balls at each other until someone cried. My aim wasn’t completely spot on, as usual, and my tennis ball flew towards the door just as Father John walked threw it.
It caught him on his expansive forehead.
Father John did not turn the other cheek, as instructed by Jesus. He ran after me, punched me in the arm and shouted loudly in my face, then kick my friend up the bum and stormed out. I think there may have been an expletive.
We looked at each other, shocked.
After that God stopped calling me and I played for Liverpool, became an astronaut, and won a matching set of sheepskin coats on 3-2-1, or I did none of those things.
I haven’t heard much from God since then.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
I too was at a catholic school with lots of nuns and priests. I never had the call from God but my mother did on my behalf. Sadly for the church girls and alcohol drowned out my mother’s pleadings and I’ve spent to last 47 years in the motor trade which aligns itself a lot more with the other chap…
Haha, you got the calling from the other chap, that’s funny. I think God is more winged-horse drawn carriage, so you might be right 🙂 Sounds like you had fun
I so look forward to you emails and find myself laughing out loud , you’re so funny 😁
I can just picture you as a child in a world of your own
I’m pleased you didn’t get ” the calling ” in the end 😂😂😂
Thanks Julia, glad you like the emails and thanks for laughing at them 🙂 I got A*s in staring out of the window, wish that was a qualification
Hahaaaaa! Brilliant! 😂🤭 My husband was wondering what I was sniggering and guffawing about when I was reading your story. I’ll share it with him 👍
Thanks so much for the laugh!
Glad you enjoyed it, Heather, hope God finds it funny as well, me mam probably won’t if she reads it 🙂
Hi
Please do a Florence and machine t shirt .
Thank you
X
She’s on the list Andrea 🙂
This made me laugh. I love your T shirts and have bought several for my husband who did get the calling and later became a vicar. We’d be a lot richer if he’d become an astronaut or premier league footballer!!!!
That’s funny. Your husband is much better than me, he answered the call, whereas I ignored it. Nor did I answer the call to be an astronaut or a premier league footballer, unfortunately 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for buying from us
I was the complete opposite to you, as I was in the Lifeboys, and got told I was a good singer, happened a couple of times, and then the group leaders dropped their plan “would you like to sing for the Church Choir? You get to sing, you can go to practice, AND (then came the apparent clincher) you get paid, a penny a week (this was back in the 1960’s) I genuinely thought this last part was a joke, as I got well more than this in pocket money. That was obviously the start of the slippery slope, as after that I hung around on Street Corners, played a lot of football in the streets or on nearby fields (neither of which made me any better a footballer) and was also deemed old enough to go to the match with my mates from school, this was quickly followed by the discovery of (cue dramatic music) BEER. So, depending on where you end up, whether or not god holds grudges, and takes snubs personally, I May well see you
Haha Barry, I think BEER is to blame for a lot of things, that’s why we like it so much 🙂