16 Sept 22 – Norfolk
We went to Norfolk on holiday last week, stayed in Holt, it was brill. Here’s a sketch I did when I was there.
Here’s another scene.
Can I say, it’s incredibly un-undulating. As a Cumbrian who lives 6 miles from the Lake District this made me slightly nervous, all that horizontal-ness in one place. To settle myself in, I sought out the tiniest of inclines in order to make me feel more at home.
But there were none.
Don’t worry, after a day or two I got used to looking around and noticing the curvature of the earth, and I grew to like it. In fact, we had a great week. I spent my early mornings with Norman in Holt Country Park, a brilliantly flat woodland.
All was well, the locals were lovely and thoroughly enjoyed having their dogs harassed and Norman’s muddy paw marks on their clean trousers. The park had loads of tracks, but Norman likes a good 90 mins, so eventually I got to the northern edge of the park and saw this sign.
Keep dogs on a lead, absolutely, BUT LET GO IF CHASED BY CATTLE OR PONIES (in capitals).
I sat Norman down and explained the situation.
‘Look Norman, we’re going in…’
‘…but if we get attacked by vicious ponies, you’re completely and utterly on your own, is that clear?’
He agreed and we entered.
Almost immediately the scenery turned jurassic.
The bushes got spikier, the trees more gnarly and creaky. Ancient swamps appeared from nowhere and small pterodactyls (some may call them pigeons) fluttered savagely in the trees. (For anyone whose ever been to Holt Lowes, and doesn’t enjoy my enthusiasm for exaggeration, I sincerely apologize.)
To add to the stress, Norman kept stopping and staring at things that weren’t there. He always does that at night when I’m walking passed the church, just for a laugh.
But this wasn’t a laugh, because then I heard something amongst the jurassic spikiness, a strange noise that could only come from this, or a herd of this.
No-ahahahah, pant pant, heavy grunt, repeat – if you really want the exact noises I heard.
The bushes started to shake. I looked at Norman and he was yanking on the lead, because he’d took one look at me and he knew the ‘let go of the lead’ part of the deal was totally in his favour. He was completely happy for me to be trampled.
I don’t know where that expression just came from, but I think it’s something Norman would say. Norman legged it and I was left to face a good mangling at the hooves of a herd of vicious ponies.
You might think, what a load of rubbish, he’s off on one again, but read on because you’ll be shocked at what’s about to happen.
The beast came through the bushes like a juggernaut and was upon me before my running synapses, which hadn’t been activated in many years, fired up.
I said my last prayers and the primordial thicket parted…
Behind, and making most of the racket, was a knackered-looking plump gentleman.
‘Sorry mate, I dropped his lead and he ran off.’ No-ahahahah, pant pant, heavy grunt. ‘Come on Brutus.’
I think this was the very first time in recorded history that anyone has ever been terrified by a sausage dog.
I told you you’d be shocked.
‘Shut up, we’re going back.’
I never ventured into the jurassic zone again. Not because I was scared of Brutus, just didn’t want to, and you can’t make me.
When we got back, Norman told on me and I got laughed at every time we saw a sausage dog.
I meant to tell you about our holidays this week, but I got carried away with this incredible tale of adventure and heroism. I’ve got The Broads to tell you about, Cromer, Holkham, the hot tub, the guest book, can I do that next week? If it’s at all possible for you to bear the wait??
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
I actually laughed out loud reading this- slightly embarrassing as I was in the checkout line at my local Tesco! Just gives confirmation that I’m slightly strange, so no dramas there! Keep up the good work! (Glad you weren’t attacked by a brontosaurus! )
Thanks Pam, I’m proud I made you laugh in a checkout line, nothing would make me laugh while in Tescos 🙂
Oh my ?? brilliant, love to hear about your take on daily life with your sidekick Norman .. hilarious! Look forward to many more . Thanks & kind regards from Northumberland ??
Well that gave me a good giggle. I’m expecting The Tales of Naughty Norman in my Christmas stocking pleeeeeze!!
Thanks Lorna, he’s just chewed up yet another sock, so I’ll definitely need socks in my Christmas stocking 🙂
The locals who live in that area of North Norfolk, ( my ex wife, and later, my Dad), will indignantly maintain that their particular part of the fair county is ‘not’ the flat bit! Having grown up on the Cotswolds, (hardly nosebleed inducing altitude in itself), I always stifled a crushing retort about having been higher on a kitchen chair, but did not want to burst their bubble!
Pleased to see that Norman’s self preservation instinct is firmly overriding his guarding. Fine in a Labrador, but I have a great hulking German Shepherd with a similarly cowardly streak, who will readily flee from even the suggestion of all manner of things, both real and imagined.
Ha ha Nick, I like the ‘higher on a kitchen chair’ retort, and also shocked that north Norfolk isn’t the flat bit, might feel a bit dizzy in south Norfolk. Still not speaking to Norman 🙂
Love it! Really think you and Norman should write a book about your adventures and I’m glad it’s not just my dog who puts mud on people’s trousers!
Thanks Lisa, mud on the trousers is Norman’s friendly handshake 🙂
Thanks Ian
That made me smile at the end of what for a lot of people has probably been a difficult, unsettling week. It’s not often that the Nation’s psyche gets such a jolt.
Regards
Jeremy
I agree Jeremy, it’s been a tough week. We were actually visiting Sandringham last Thurs when she died, it was a shock. Glad the post made you smile
Love it! As a regular to north Norfolk and Holt (including said dinosaur park) I was visualising and laughing along with the tale.
Can’t wait for being swept away in the vastness of Holkham beach!
Glad you enjoy it, Ian. Holt is very nice, don’t tell anyone the dinosaur park isn’t quite like that (there are very spiky bushes though). Never made it to Holkham Beach, went to the Hall instead, should’ve gone, Norman would’ve loved it.
I just love reading your emails and hearing about Norman’s antics ?
Loved his photo on Instagram helping to steer the boat ??
Thanks again for another good old laugh out loud read .
Looking forward to hearing more about your holiday .
Thanks Julia, glad you enjoyed it. He was a great help with the steering last week 🙂 You would’ve thought he was steering when I reversed into the dock when we’d finished. Embarrassing.
Hahaha , hope that’s all in next times email
Yes, night time walking with the dog (in our case a cut and shut, German Shepherd, Akita Cross named Sarge), he starts stalking with no notice and your left staring into the darkness, waiting to be Pounced on. Most times it turns out to be a feather or a blade of grass, we’ve yet to come across the dangerous sausagedogasauros
It is freaky when they do the staring and I like the sausagedogasauros name, sounds suitably scary 🙂
I’m glad you all enjoyed your holiday. I’ve lived in Holt all my life. I grew up playing on the Lowes and the Country Park, even before it became the Country Park in 1980. A great open space to lose yourself in! Love the weekly snapshots of your life Ian. Keep them coming.
Really enjoyed it thanks and Holt is a lovely place. Went to The Feathers, Byfords, Sunny Take Away – all brill. Sorry about the Lowes description, I loved my morning walks 🙂
Brilliant as always!
Thanks Karen
Great stuff as usual, I’m glad Norman is still keeping an eye on you . Sausage dogs are terrifying, at least our last dog thought so , which makes you as brave as a Rottweiler, which between me and you , isn’t as brave as people think .
Cant wait for our next delivery, womble and smash , keep up the great work.
Kev, Kathy and Rosie
Thanks Kev, Kathy and Rosie, I’m a Rottweiller,that makes me happy. Apart from, like you said, one was scared of Norman a couple of weeks ago, so I think I’m the scared Rottweiller. Thanks for buying Womble and Smash 🙂
I was in the hospital pharmacy waiting for a prescription after just being told how my heart is feeble and weak but this made me laugh out loud and forget for just a few minutes to not get excited. Thanks Ian. Ann
Aww, glad you enjoyed it Ann, but hope you feel better soon. All the best
Now, had I known of your expedition to the edge of the earth I would have suggested a vist to Holt Vinyl Vault, a record shop as good as X Records in Bolton.
I would’ve loved that, I did wander around Holt but never saw it. We need a better psychic connection and then you’ll know when I’m on my way 🙂
Don’t forget your ice cream in Wells AND why is it called Wells Next the Sea with NO to in it?
Dare you to explain NFN!!! Lol
Ha ha Debra, you’re right, why would they not include the ‘to’? If you, as a good Norfolk resident, can’t explain it, then I’m definitely not going to try? Enjoy your walk tomorrow with Bella x
Not totally sure, after reading this what actually scared you more, the sausage dog or its owner!
Haha Barry, sausage dog definitely, don’t you know how scary they are 🙂
I love reading your tales each week they give me a giggle and I look forward to them.
Your pictures of Norfolk at the top are very true to the scenery. Looking forward to next week.
Thanks Patty, yes those sketches took me ages to get it just right 🙂
Hi Ian – thanks for making me chuckle on. Saturday morning!
Cheers Rich
Thanks Richard, glad you enjoyed it. Enjoy the rest of your day 🙂