I had to take me mam to A&E last week.
111 told her to go in, even though she didn’t want to, and she got some jollop to sort her out. Because she’s back to full strength now, I feel I can make a few comments about the day. Nothing specific about the NHS, so don’t worry.
Firstly, while waiting in A&E, I overheard a man at the reception, he was about my age.
Twenty-five minutes??
Bearing in mind the hospital is a least 10 minutes drive out of town, he needed to get his shoes on, get into the car, park it at the hospital car park, inconveniently down a steep hill, and walk here. That leaves about 3 minutes. He had chest pains for three minutes before he announced to his wife:
I thought he was going to say three days or something. This means next time I have a madras, I’m getting it delivered straight to A&E and eating it there so they can sort me out when I start clutching my chest.
We got through the A&E triaging quickly, but the waiting room queue turned into a smaller waiting room queue, followed by a corridor queue, After 2 hours it was about 11-ish, and if you know me mam you know what time that is.
I looked up and down the long hospital corridor.
Me: ‘Certainly Madam.’ I started flicking my fingers. ‘Garcon, GARCON, a fruit scone with jam and cream, obviously Rodda’s, straight from the finest udders Cornwall has to offer please, and the scone slightly warm when proffered up to the lips.’
A man with a squeaky trolley strolled by.
Another hour went by scone-less, and if you know me mam you know what that means.
Me mam: ‘I could do with a cheese toasty with a light salad, drizzled with French vinaigrette?’
(Important note from me mam: my son is a ridiculous exaggerator).
A nurse said she’d get her a sandwich. I’m not going to knock the NHS food, what I am going to knock is the £4.75 cheese sandwich I had to go and get for myself in WH Smiths at the hospital’s main entrance. Imagine something so thin and weak that I had to borrow a defibrillator to bring it back to life.
The poor thing was resting its anaemic head on the packaging, and the cheese hanging out the front was gasping for breath.
I had to buy it because of a deep sense of compassion and because there was nothing else. I went back to the corridor, opened the package, took its blood pressure, and was about to take a bite when I heard:
‘That looks nicer than mine,’ me mam said.
You know I said I wasn’t going to knock the NHS food, well I lied. I swapped sarnies and the only thing worse than the WH Smiths sandwich was the NHS sandwich. The ham in this sandwich must’ve been taken from last week’s anatomical waste bin that had forgotten to be collected and left out for foxes to regurgitate.
When ham takes longer to chew than a packet of Hubba Bubba you know it’s biomedical leftovers, that’s a scientific rule.
Another hour went by and I was still chewing. Eventually. me mam was taken to a cubicle and tests performed. And then this happened.
The doctor came in and said something that is equivalent to saying to a pleasantly plump woman ‘Are you pregnant?’ or a mother ‘Who’s the father? Shrek?’ or a football enthusiast ‘Who do you support, Man Utd?’ She said to my 85-year-old mam, ‘Is this your husband?’
‘Eh, pardon? Am I her….’
I’m 58, the numbers are the same but the order is different.
This isn’t new to me, if you want further reading have a look at Is that your Dad?
I’m moving on from this, and have subsequently started moisturizing and smashed up all the mirrors in our house.
A few more tests were performed by that doctor, who frankly wasn’t up to the job due to her obvious myopia, and then after another hour, we could go home.
I went out to get the car, glad that I’d put 5 hours on the parking ticket, because we’d been in, let’s think 2 hours in the corridor, then another hour after lunch, then a bit of a wait for the stupid visually impaired doctor, more tests for about an hour or so, bit more random waiting for a prescription, which meant as I approached the car 5 hours and 15 mins later. The parking attendant was just walking out the other car park exit. The parking attendant was very good at his job.
The £40 fine was much appreciated after a busy and stressful day.
I stayed at me mam’s house that night just to keep an eye on her. I was on an airbed in the living room, with two ticking clocks that turned me into Captain Hook after 7 hours.
Despite all that (and despite me making the day all about me), me mam’s okay and that’s the main thing.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Hospitals are great for people watching.,there is every species known to man. The entertainment is usually better than any visit to the zoo and cheaper if you dont buy a butty and get a parking ticket. Glad your mam is ok. My mums famous words when we spent 12 hours in A&E… Well! What a lovely day its been. She did have demetia bless her. Oh and nothing else wrong with her.
Thanks Christine. And you’re right, if you want to study humanity just sit in a few hospital waiting rooms, next time I’ll get the bus and take my own sandwiches
Can I suggest you also pack a punnet of grapes and bottle of lucozade (original recipe, none of this isotonic sports drink nonsense) just in case you encounter a poor unfortunate inmate who has had no visitors for a week
Good idea Andy
Ha ha! Love the bit about Captain Hook and ticking clocks x
That drove me crazy all night x
Ticking clocks, Captain Hook! Brilliant!! Made me giggle. Glad your Mam’s ok and got her scone eventually?
Next time I’m throwing those clocks into the garden. There’s not much that can stop me mam getting her scone 🙂
Brilliant! Hospital sarnies do leave a bit to be desired, but when one is waiting for hours they can look rather frighteningly appealing LOL. Do any hospitals have a Costa? If they don’t they should have…
I’m worried for you Heather, if you find hospital sarnies appealing 🙂
Reminded me of the time i was in the delivery room about to give birth when the nurse looked at my husband (he was down the messy end watching all the action) and she said to me ‘’Do you want your brother to stay?’’ 😳 I’d like to add we looked nothing like each other 🤷🏻♀️
Haha, that’s funny. Do brothers often help out down the messy end, I wonder?
I feel your pain. I waited 23 hours in A and E with Mum. She was poorly (she’s 85) I was very frustrated but understand the pressures the staff are under (my youngest is a paramedic). She was oblivious – she slept most of the time!
Turns out the chest pains were indigestion 🤷♀️
Hope your Mam is ok.
Thanks Carole, yes, my mam is ok, thankfully. 23 hours is impressive, and I was complaining about 5 hours (and sandwiches and parking attendants). It’s a very tough job in A&E, that’s for sure. Hope you mam is also okay.
Glad your Num’s ok.
Is this your husband? 😂😂😂
I know, I may have had a hard paper round but hopefully don’t look 85 just yet
I was in the A&E at our local hospital last January, with my husband (palpitations due to chemo side-effects 😬)
While we were there, I noticed a young lass being towed by the hand around the waiting room by her boyfriend /husband. The index finger of her free hand was clamped to her right eye. Another woman, also waiting to be triaged, saw me watching & informed me that said young lass had come in because her false eyelashes were stuck together.
True story!
After eyelash lass was triaged, she stormed out of the cubicle, slamming the door behind her, & stropped off out of the department, hapless companion in pursuit.
I said the room in general “Maybe the doctor has just given her his honest opinion of her situation…but then again, they’re usually far too polite to do that!”
Cue laughter.
You couldn’t make it up!
You’re right, you can’t make those things up. I’d like to spend a week in A&E just noting down those sort of moments and then I’d have enough material for a book 🙂 Hope your husband’s okay
Great crack. Me Mam took bad after a fall last year. I was in A and E from 1pm until 8am the next day. My Mam got the ‘Royal’ treatment which was great. I, on the other hand was treated like a young wippersnapper ( I’m 62) who could do without food and water (and sleep) indefinitely. I fell asleep on the chair then nearly rolled onto the floor, only prevented by my cat like reactions ( my forehead was almost touching the floor) . I was taken pity upon and offered a plastic cup of water.
Luxury. Me Mam is recovering and on the mend, as am I.
Glad your mam’s on the mend, and glad you are also recovering thanks to your cat like reactions. At least you didn’t invest £4.75 in the second worse sandwich ever made, hope that makes feel better 🙂
This has actually had me laughing so much having gone through all those scenarios September 2023 with my Mum.
The hospital food was so bad, i said, ” Don’t worry mother, i will go to the canteen upstairs and get you something you can eat” … Well I got there and they were serving the same food my mother couldn’t eat. So yes, WHSmiths array of splendid sandwiches had to suffice. Cheese and onion was Mother’s option…Daily
I also had the joy of the nurses asking if my eldest son was my partner or my mother’s grandson. He is 33, he is my son and grandson to my mother. I guess our paper rounds were not so bad ;0)
So wonderful your Mum’s on the mend :0)))
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. You had a similar and opposite experience to me. Congratulations on the easy paper round 🙂 My mum keeps sayng how beautiful her skin is now, and how youthful she looks, so at least my ancientness has made someone happy. Hope your mum is doing okay.