I’m going to see Brian Cox in Edinburgh tonight, so I thought I’d brush up on a bit of quantum physics to show off in case I bump into him in the corridor.
‘Hey Brian, that wave-particle duality is an absolute bummer isn’t it?’ I say, in the corridor, with a smug knowledgable expression.
‘Well, how can an electron be both a wave and a particle at the same time?’
‘Essentially, when measured the electron acts as a particle but before that moment we need to establish precisely how lovely my smile is. Look.’
‘Yes it is Brian, but what does that mean in the real world?’
‘It means women love me and I have to clean my teeth three times a day.’
‘Not the smile, the electron.’
‘Glad you asked, strange man in the corridor. When the electron is measured the wave function collapses and that is the reason I haven’t aged a bit in 20 years….’
‘You do look great Brian, that’s true, but do you believe it’s human consciousness that causes the wave function to collapse?’
‘No, no, no, that’s completely incorrect and the only thing that collapses is women, when they look into my smiley eyes. Do you like my eyes?’
‘Yes, they’re very nice eyes, Brian. But if the wave function doesn’t collapse do you think the universe splits into an infinite number of universes?’
‘That is a statistical possibility, but even more probable is my hair will never go grey and will always be floppily adorable. Feel my hair, isn’t it soft?’
‘Very soft Brian, and smells great. But, despite all that, haven’t you been lying to us for over 30 years?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘The second law of thermodynamics clearly states that the total disorder of the universe must increase in every spontaneous process. Chaos is the future. But you and that Peter Cunnah didn’t say that in 1993, did you?’
‘You said the opposite, didn’t you?’
‘Err… yes…’
‘What you gonna do about that, Brian? To make up for the lies? Because you can walk my path, you can wear my shoes, learn to talk like me and be an angel too. But maybe you ain’t never gonna feel this way, you ain’t never gonna know me, but I know you, and you, and you, and you, because…
That’s more scientifically accurate, thanks Brian.
And, amazing reader who’s stuck with this till the end, don’t be thinking this is all ridiculous, because if you do, you don’t know science. Somewhere in the vast infinity of the quantum universe or universes, there will be a version of me and Brian doing exactly this tonight in an alternate Edinburgh. Scientific fact.
Have a great weekend whichever universe you’re in.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
After your convo with Dr Cox , I’d recommend you take him for a couple of pints in Embra , Mathers ( West End) was a bit of a favourite when I stayed there . There’s loads of great pubs . You could try the Oxford Bar , Ian Rankine/ Inspector Rebus like that one . I like it too , although Mrs Campbell thought it was a bit bit of an old mans pub , for me that’s extra points . 👌
its comforting to know that i am not alone…enjoy your evening.
Thanks David, I loved the evening, pretended I knew what he was talkng about 🙂
Am sorry, but I love him! His voice lulls me into a lovely sleep…. no idea on the science:-)
We saw him in Dundee this week, he did indeed shine and twinkle!
There was a lot of twinkling going on until we were all spaghettified in a singularity. It was a great show.
Haha Caroine, luckily I stayed awake and tried to absorb some of his cleverness and loviliness 🙂
Hmm I think I was in one of the other quantum universes the other day trying to order a T-shirt with a lyric on it. Just kept going round in never-ending circles where it kept asking me to choose a lyric! No idea what I was doing wrong but it was definitely chaos & I still haven’t managed it. 🤪
Whoops Tracy, that’s a strange universe. Let me know what lyric you want and I’ll sort that out for you 🙂
Of course, in order to have this conversation with Coxy, you’ll have to get by his bodyguard Big Dara.
Very true, he was to busy warming up for St Patrick’s Day 🙂
I bought tickets for my other half and his mate to see Coxy a few years back. Their heads were completely mashed by the end of it 😆. Enjoy looking at his lovely hair and gnashers👍
My head is full now, I will no longer be able to take anything more in 🙂
After your real or imagined convo with Prof Cox , as described above, I’d suggest taking him for a pint or two. Embra has plenty of good pubs to choose from > Id suggest Mathers (West End) or the Oxford Bar ( firm favourite of Ian Rankine /Inspector Rebus). Mrs Campbell isn’t too keen on them ..”Old Man Pubs” , but to me that gives them extra points. Mathers used to do good pies too. Let us know how you get on, please.
Old Man’s pubs are the only place I go. I was walking along with my daughter and she said ‘You’ll like that pub over there’ and through the window there wasn’t a brown hair in sight. It was great.
BINGO!!!
Brian Cox ….. we all wish we were you
Even women …. Sexy, brainy and downright amazingly amazing
He was all of those thing and more, Lynne 🙂
Ahh…I’d love to see him. There was the most fantastic parody of him somewhere, where he proved that “clouds are further away than trees” and that they are made by volcanoes 🌋 puffing them out. If I can find it, I’ll send it to you. I cried laughing 😂 Have a great night.
Haha Claire, whatever Brian says I believe 🙂