Me mam keeps me on my toes. As usual, late afternoon on Wednesday, we were in Keswick having coffee and scones (jam first then cream, got to be clotted) when her phone pinged and she announced:
Keswick is too posh and outdoorsy for Lidl, the nearest one was 14 miles away. Before I understood what was going on, the cafe door slammed and she was on her way to the car park.
I finished off her scone, licked the clotted cream out of the carton, went for a wee and caught up with her just round the corner from the cafe. She’s not as fast as she used to be.
We got to the car and I floored it until the dial screeched round to 39, she doesn’t like going over 40.
I had a lot of questions. ‘What was the emergency?’ coupled with ‘Has there ever been an emergency trip to Lidl before?’ (discounting toilet roll buying during the pandemic).
‘Is Mavis trapped in a freezer in Lidl?’
‘Don’t be stupid, just drive, but don’t crash into the back of that car 3 miles ahead, and watch out for the lake.’
How do I drive without her?
‘Are we meeting Mavis in Lidl?’
‘Of course not, she’s at home with no clothes on. Watch out for the sheep?
‘You mean the one in the field behind the hedge and the fence? I will.’
‘Quickly.’
I stepped it up to 41mph.
‘Stop speeding, it’s just round here.’
‘I know where Lidl is.’
‘Through the traffic lights and down there.’
‘I still know where Lidl is.’
‘It’s here, look.’
‘I know, see these sunken orbs in my head, they’re eyes.’
My sunken orbs expected to see police or helicopters or some other signs of an emergency, but it just looked like Lidl.
‘… and get to the middle of Lidl. When you get to the end of the aisle, buy all the large bras you can find, not the black ones Mavis doesn’t like the black ones.’
Before I knew it I was running into Lidl to panic buy bras for me mam and Mavis. I don’t know if you know this, I didn’t, they are the comfiest bras ever, and there’s a two for £8 deal at the moment.
Me mam and Mavis had been to Lidl yesterday, bought one each as a tester, Mavis had just tried hers on at the exact moment I had an inch of clotted cream up each nostril, and that’s when we got the message to mobilize.
There were only two left.
‘Only two, I told you to go the top way avoiding the traffic lights.’
”No, you didn’t.’
There were three actually…
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Of course the jam goes on first.
I’m glad we agree 🙂
Hi Hope you and yours are well.Love this post re Lidl.All there clothes are brilliant,I’m same comfy is the go to now.Just bought some trainers from there £10 light and comfy.Pro Dawn’s I’m calling them .
Happy Easter
Best wishes
Dawn
Glad you enjoyed it Dawn. The Middle of Lidl is getting great reviews. I think you should approach Lidl with the cool Pro Dawn name 🙂
Unless the scone is upside down
Haha, you’ve thought this one through Mutts, and again I agree 🙂
Brilliant bra anecdote! And there is always one… I prefer cream first less messy for me anyway!!!
Thanks Caroline, you need to get down to Lidl asap. Cream first… controversial 🙂
Just sat down with a coffee to read your latest & almost spat said coffee all over my husband (the very lovely Eric) at the image of you gtabbing all the large comfy brass in Lidl!! Have since read the story out to the lovely Eric (who was busy googling best bathroom sealant prices)….his comment when I reached the end was “how did he know what size” which makes me think he was still preoccupied with sealant purchase)!! Hilarious story….keep ’em coming.
Glad you enjoyed it Lyn, and I know I wouldn’t be able to compete with bathroom sealant for the attention of the lovley Eric 🙂
Lidl middle isle. The only place you can buy a chainsaw and Trombone polish together.
Haha, yes, it is truly a place of wonder, don’t forget to purchase a bra with the chainsaw and trombone polish 🙂
My mascara is running off my eyes, I’m laughing so much 😂 I hope you’re doing another book of these mini stories…or have I just not seen it 🤔
Glad you enjoyed it Claire, haven’t got a book of these out yet. Enjoy your weekend, don’t forget your emergency trip to Lidl before they run out 🙂
Ever since the famous series “Groundforce” I have done my gardening in the style of Charlie Dimmock, i.e. sans bra.
Me too 🙂
Great Story ! Lol x
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it x
Loved this!! And ALWAYS jam first!
Thanks Pauline, and glad you agree about the jam 🙂