Firstly I have a confession. When I’m really really (x10) bored, I occasionally, sometimes, accidentally watch daytime TV.
Please read on, I know it’s a terrible start.
I haven’t given up on life, it’s usually when I’m doing VAT returns and my elbow slips and knocks the standby button, honest.
But you know what, I’ve actually learned a few things from this self-inflicted torture. I now know everything that’s going to happen to me on my ever-accelerating journey to decrepitude. I have the manual on how to grow old. Thanks daytime TV, specifically daytime TV adverts.
First thing I learned was- wherever you go when you’re old, younger people will butt into your senile conversations.
Oldy to a friend : ‘I’m thinking of booking an hotel….’
Before they’ve completed their feeble ramblings a young person pipes up from behind.
‘Hotels don’t often have the availability they say on the website or there are hidden costs, you couple of old fools, you need Trivago….’ sticking his phone into their wrinkled faces.
Unsolicited advice from people who are barely older than foetuses is what is going to happen to you, that’s the first thing to look out for.
Number Two.
‘Mum, I’m worried sick about you when you’re on your own in the house,’ your child will say to you with a tear in her eye.
‘Are you, darling? Well I’ll come and live with you….’
‘What you need Verisure Alarms, that’ll keep you safe.’
New tagline to Verisure: Verisure Alarms, the alarm system that stops your kids feeling guilty.
Yes, daytime TV adverts have given me a vision of the future.
If you’re over 50 and you don’t have life insurance, you are a selfish get and you don’t care about your family.
Your neighbour will start coming round to return some sugar and tell you they’ve just set up their life insurance and ‘you know what, it was very easy, even you could do it, and there were no awkward questions.’
Here’s an awkward question: ‘Did my kids put you up to this?’
Before you get the chance to throw your neighbour through a window, he’s dialed the number for you, and you’re over the moon about forking out £40 a month so your grandkids can buy a couple of Oculus Rifts when you’re dead.
Next up, get ready to buy stuff you don’t want, because they have the word ‘senior’ in them. Mattresses for codgers have been re-engineered with 10 layers of technology and gravity-defying support, it’s a whole new world.
But be careful of pillows, they are very dangerous, look at this
Look at the small print. This contraption helps you to ‘sleep more deeply every night,’ More deeply every single night, before you know it, on this spiral downwards, your sleep is so deep they’ve switched the life support off. Don’t let your kids buy this just after you’ve signed the life insurance docs.
I won’t be using Comfort no matter how much I start to smell of wee, because it makes a right mess when you open your wardrobe doors, look
If you can be bothered to go on holiday, here’s a good tip to boost your energy levels. Get some travel insurance, because that really perks you up. Every 70-year-old on telly who’s brought travel insurance is jumping into pools, skiing, hiking, kayaking and body boarding.
I’ve bought some even though I’m not going anywhere.
And if you do overdo it and you’re unlucky, you’ll bump into Ian Botham trying to act.
He had tired achy legs until he stood on a disc thing that chiggled his legs about a bit and now they’re good as new. Get him to rub some Voltarol in as well, and you’ll be leaping tall building again.
Watch out for shingles, you’ll get addicted to Happy Tiger Bingo, start watching things with Nigel Havers in them, and buy a Vax to mop up all those things you keep spilling down your front and on the carpet.
But don’t worry, because in the end you’ll be overjoyed to be cremated and put in a cheap vase in the loft.
Because you don’t like to make a fuss.
The end.
I’m not watching daytime TV anymore.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Absolutely hilarious 😂 And it’s all so true. Brilliant! 😍
Thanks Janice, glad you enjoyed it. I’m off to buy travel insurance and go body boarding 🙂
This is the reason our tv gets switched off as soon as BBC Breakfast finishes and doesn’t get turned back on until just before Pointless finishes.
Good thinking Ian, I’ll be doing that from now on
🤣🤣🤣 brilliant!! I turned 50 on Thursday and now realise I have all these new things to look forward to and spend money on. Bring on the bungee jumping (once I have my life insurance and funeral plan sorted)!
Happy Birthday Di for last week, and welcome to the 50 club, it’s really great, miles better than the boring 40 club. I will see you at the 80 club bungee jumping 🙂
This is the funniest thing I will read all weekend- I know it! 🤣🥳
Haha, glad you enjoyed it Ginny, have a great weekend, avoid those pillows 🙂
These are all excellent observations Ian and I shall be careful to heed your advice. There’s another advert however that you’ve clearly not seen, or have chosen to ignore…as a carer for my dad we watch a LOT of afternoon TV together which means a LOT of adverts and there is a particularly…erm…uplifting one that sees me scurrying to the kitchen to put the kettle on. Why aren’t adverts subject to the watershed? Does the watershed even exist anymore? Completely ruins Tipping Point, that’s for sure…
Thanks Christina, must’ve missed that advert, thankfully, buy the sound of it. I do a lot of fast forwarding. Have a great weekend.
Can’t stop laughing. Has anyone ever died prematurely from laughing too much? X
Haha Lisa, no one dies laughing watching those adverts, that’s for sure. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Laughing out loud at all of this.
“Makes a right mess when you open your wardrobe doors” Brilliant. 🤣🤣🤣
P.s not seen my photo yet.
Sorry about the photo, I’ve had quite a few through over the last few months, I’ll put it in next weeks 🙂
Haha absolutely brilliant 😂😂.
Thanks Mandy, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Made me laugh so much I had to grab a Tena pad😉. My niece keeps informing me her post….read junk…. is all about Care Homes, funerals and meal plans; she sagely advises me that it is because she has ME to think about because I’m a certain age 🙄 and might need advice.😂. Thank you I said so kind, I’m off now to Wembley in my skwiggles t.shirt to see ACDC….she laughed & shook her head.
Haha, now you can tell your neice you’ve got all in information you need from daytime TV. I think you have the answer though, AC/DC at Wembley sorts everything out 🙂
Absolutely priceless! So funny and so very true. Heaven help us all 😂😂😂
Thanks Ian, that really tickled me!
Thanks Heather, glad you enjoyed it. And I agree, heaven helps us all 🙂
So funny! Also, have you noticed how all the men wear nice cardigans and the ladies have sensible slippers in their pine kitchens?
Haha, I think a nice cardigan purchase is going to be soon for me, need to get the oldy uniform right.
Last year, my 20 year old son considerately pointed out that I would have to throw out some stuff from my (admittedly cluttered) garage as he would have to sort it out when I die. I am only 61 and in reasonable health so at least he is thinking ahead ( hopefully).
That’s funny Gary, I don’t think my daughters have ever been in the garage, otherwise they would be thinking the same. Stay alive to annoy them, that’s what I say.
Listen to music, keeps the head & heart young, but your take on daytime tv too true & funny 🙂
I agree Denis, listen to music and switch off the telly