Emergency Services
You wouldn’t think a simple phone call to John Lewis, wondering where my 2L Kilner Cliptop glass jars had got to, would lead to the police knocking on my door 15 minutes later. But that’s what happened.
A very nice John Lewis woman had helped me out with my inquiry and at the end of the call she’d put me onto a delightful little survey, so I could tell everyone how great she was.
I was rating from 1-9 and the woman had been very helpful, so I gave her top marks for everything. I was pressing 9s to get through the survey rapidly, but little did I know my phone battery was on its last legs and had cut off John Lewis and must’ve gone into battery-saving emergency calls only mode. This is the only way I can explain this.
Before I knew it I’d dialed 999 by mistake.
‘Emergency. Which service?’
I’ve never dialed 999 before, so in my panic, I turned into Jim Trott from the Vicar of Dibley.
And then the phone battery completely conked out, leaving the operator with the sound of a strange man shouting ‘no No NO’ down the phone.
I walked around the house a bit because that’s what I do when I don’t know what to do. And then I decided to plug in my phone in case they called back, which I should’ve done immediately. It takes a few minutes to come on after a battery failure, so while it was charging I went for a shower.
Halfway through a thorough shampooing, I heard a hammering at the door, the kind of hammering on Line of Duty, not with the knuckles but with the fleshy bit. The one reserved for the doors of drug dealers.
I raced out of the shower and down the stairs and flung, yes flung, the front door open. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’d remembered my towel.
This is what I was expecting outside.
But it was just two Police Officers.
‘Mr Young? Is everything okay?
I turned into Jim again
‘YES, yes everything is completely fine, couldn’t be finer. I was just doing this survey thingy with John Lewis and then the phone must’ve… done something… and I accidentally…. errr…. dialed 999…’
They nodded sagely and thought to themselves, what an absolute 
A couple of neighbours wandered by at this point, with me, dripping wet, talking to the police in my towel. They must’ve thought, he’s obviously been doing a John Lewis customer services survey. I didn’t wave because my towel was slack and indecent exposure wouldn’t have helped the situation, it rarely does.
So I’m sure I’m on some 999 blacklist now. If only I’d blamed the kids.
As I was writing this, though, my phone kept pinging. It was Amazon insisting that I reviewing a product I bought last week, so just to shut them up I agreed. I found myself rating some clothes pegs.
They were excellent.
It was windy on Tuesday, and as they flapped around I felt secure in the knowledge that they wouldn’t end up in next door’s tree. What more can you ask from pegs. They got an 8. I feel bad, they deserved a 9, but no one’s getting a 9 from me anymore.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
I think you’ve ensured no-one else does, either! Great stuff, thanks for the Friday laffs, as ever!
Yes, be careful being too generous with your surveys. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
I never give top marks as they can always do better…
Haha, wise decision 🙂
Brilliant story. Some comedy writer should make that into a sketch. Geddit a ‘sketch’ . Oh, please yourselves 😤😂
Haha, very good Stewart, you must be that comedy writer you’re talking about. Enjoy it 🙂
🤣 Thanks for the Friday chuckles Ian.
Glad you enjoyed it Tracy. Have a good weekend 🙂
So funny 🤣🤣 made me laugh out loud ( your stories always make me chuckle) you should make a book of them 😀🤣
Thanks Jann, glad it made you laugh. No more telephone surveys for me or I’ll be arrested 🙂
Brilliant, that one really made me chuckle, sounds like the sort of thing I’d do……and then re -live it for the next twenty years!!
Thanks Lyn, glad it made you chuckle. I’m glad someone else might possibly be able to do it as well 🙂
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Glad you enjoyed it 🙂 🙂
Omg that is hilarious 🤣 imagine if you never answered the door and they gained access!!!
I never thought of that, thank god I got out of the shower. I didn’t think it could be worse, but you’re right it could’ve been 🙂
I thought they were going to be banging on the door shouting “why haven’t you done that Billy Casper from Kes sketch for Steve yet?”
Much more criminal than a dodgy surevy. hahaha
Hahaha Stephen, hint taken 🙂
Oh that was so funny! A similar thing happened to me when I was at a conference in Brighton not long after the hotel bombing and I wasn’t on an electoral role as I had just moved; I had a nice meeting with MI5 which up until then I only believed existed in James Bond films!
Better than that though this just makes a great day even better as my daughter delivered my 7th Grandson this afternoon at 13:40! Which is why I am moving to a small mud hut soon……
Congratulations David, not on the MI5 visit, on the 7th grandson. And congratulation to your daughter, wow 🙂
Roaring at this -the sketch’s are hilarious too🤣
Thannks Heather, glad you enhoyed it 🙂
Wayne looks bigger on stage. It took CID 5 days to attend our shop last week when £200000 worth of motorcycles and clothing was stolen so you were lucky. Not funny just a fact.
That sounds awful Paul. I did get a fast response, not sure why
That’s hilarious. Definitely worth a sitcom episode.
Haha, thanks Mark. I will send it to the Beeb immediately 🙂
😂
🙂