I’ve had a very violent week.
Let me tell you why. Diane’s a strictly PG-rated film watcher, unless Julia Roberts is in it, then she can be a little more flexible.
This is an old sketch, sorry for being lazy, so if you’ve forgotten what Julia looks like, this probably won’t help.
Julia is a safe pair of hands to guide Diane through any film, allowing her to go as far as a 12 or 15-rated, because as long as Julia’s there nothing bad can happen.
So whenever Diane goes out, I watch films that are slightly more violent. But, as far as violence and body count are concerned, this week I went too far.
As the door clicked and Diane’s mini left the drive, John Wick had already killed 10 people.
And he didn’t get fed up of it.Total body count for this film was about 100. Horrific, but nothing compared to what was to come.
A few days later we both watched Batman v Superman. A 12 rating without Julia, so a bit borderline for Diane, but acceptable until you remember what the film is based on. Batman’s in a bad mood because in the previous episode Superman had a fight with General Zod in Metropolis and killed, according to the internet, 129,000 people and injured 1 million, at a cost $3 trillion in damage.
You might think that’s enough killing for the time being, but then Diane took her mam shopping on Tuesday and I watched Godzilla v Kong.
This isn’t a spoiler because it’s in the title, but they have a scrap in Tokyo and I’m telling you they trashed half the city. I can’t find any figures on this, so I’ve estimated my own.
Tokyo has a population of nearly 14 million. Judging from the number of skyscrapers destroyed and the number people running around screaming with blood spurting out of them, I am going to say the body count in Tokyo that day was at least 3 million and the damage was in the godzillions.
And Julia didn’t turn up to give those silly boys a smacked bum.
Total deaths for the week: 3,129,100
Diane needs to stop going out or I’ll have to watch Pretty Woman and My Best Friend’s Wedding on my own, and that definitely doesn’t sound right.