11 June 21 – $15,000 Dollar Baby

We lived in the USA for a while, and when we were out there I must’ve got my wife drunk on old yella, rattlesnake moonshine, or some other American drink, and one thing led to another, and…

To summarize, we had a baby.

For which we were eternally grateful, may I add. My youngest daughter hardly ever reads this, (which is lucky because of the disgusting behaviour above) so no real need for the sucking up.

We were only in the US for a couple of years, and we weren’t really planning on having another baby, I must’ve been just too damn attractive that night. Quick reuse of the smoldering sketch from a couple of weeks ago.

Ignore the spatula, that wasn’t involved.

Anyway, our medical insurance wasn’t up to scratch, it was very basic.  I think it only catered for the extremes, minor sneezing events and shipping our dead bodies back to the UK.

Our daughter-to-be wasn’t covered.

Two seconds after my wife wee-ed on the stick, the phone calls started. Fancy people from ‘My-baby-means-everything-to-me Prenatal’ on 54th Street called, as well as a dozen other companies. 

‘If you’re a real man you need to get your wife a thorough assessment, here at ‘Don’t be a bad father Prenatal’
‘But she’s just wee-ed…’
‘Sir, get here now or you’re a POTENTIAL MURDERER.’

I can’t remember the conversation exactly, but that was the gist of it. Before we knew it we were being assessed. When I say we, everyone knows I just sat around looking silly because my work was done. 

Another Fancy Dan, worked out our ‘Prenatal Journey’. I have to put a few things in quotes because I wouldn’t want you thinking they were my choice of words.

‘Weeks 4 -28, we need to see you every 3 seconds or your conscience will eat you alive. 28-36, every 6 seconds, and the last trimester I have a team of specialists who will be sleeping with your wife round the clock.’

With our first child, born in the UK, I was used to the NHS way, – see you when you’re  6 cm – so this was all a bit confusing.

Shortly after the assessments started, the letters started piling through the door. Think of Harry Potter at Privet Drive. Each letter had pictures of awesome-looking babies on the envelope, and if we followed the rules we too could have one of those.

Inside was a lot of information, here’s just one of many examples:

Consultant fee    $395
Blood pressure test $79
Chorionic gonadotropi $95
Nuchal translucency $125
Ultrasound bone determination $143
Tylenol for husband $1
Receptionist Americano with semi-skimmed $10
Toys for a stupid husband to play with $20

Thanks for loving your child – Total $868

Payment due in the next 7 days or legal action will be swift and decisive.Half way through ‘the journey’, the senior ‘I’m better than a midwife’ obstetrician, sent us on a 1000 mile round trip to a specialist unit in Salt Lake City for a few extra checks, or as I would now put it, a few extra cheques.You’ll be glad to know everything turned out fine, almost…
The bank account is still on the critical list.As for my daughter, here she is now.
$15,000 well spent, fifteen thousand dollars and worth every penny, sorry cent, one-five and three zeros, and I’ve never brought it up once since, because she’s worth it… oh, did I mention, it’s FATHER’S DAY next week (she’d better flippin’ read this one).

Anyway enough of the $15,000 and the new noise-canceling headphones I need.

That’s it once again.

Just to let you know, my eldest daughter was free, but she’s gone to university now so she’s making up for her initial cheapness.

She took a long time to come into the world, about 18 hours, I was exhausted by the end of it and my wife was a little fatigued as well.

This is a terrible thing to admit, but don’t hate me too much. There was a Monopoly board in the waiting room and I played Monopoly with the Midwife while my wife was in labour. I played one handed, while my wife crushed the living daylights out of my other hand, which made the game quite difficult considering I was the banker.

Think I might have missed a couple of times when the Midwife landed on Mayfair with three houses. But don’t feel sorry for me, I still won.

Here’s a useful device I’m thinking of taking to Dragon’s Den to free up a Monopoly hand..

Enjoy your weekend. 

Take care and all the best,


11 June 21 – $15,000 Dollar Baby

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