14 Jan 22 – Home Alone

Hi Everyone,

Diane’s mum has had a hip operation so Diane’s 25 miles down the road helping out there, so I’ve been left in charge this week.

Before she left, Diane sat my daughter down for a strict talking to.

  • There’s fruit in the fruit bowl, make sure you have some.
  • Don’t forget your vitamins and drink plenty of water.
  • Take your keys when you leave the house.

It was a long list and it wasn’t until 10 mins into the presentation that I realised she was looking at me.

To finish, she added: ‘I’ve stocked up on toilet roll’
Pardon? Does she actually think I have marathon All-Bran eating sessions when she’s not around, and the results keep Andrex going through the tough times? Or is she assuming I wouldn’t know what to do if the worst came to the worst

The last thing Diane said to me before she left was ‘ Don’t forget to give Bella her ruffles’

Not sure I’ve told you this, but we have a rabbit called Bella who lives in our garage. She is a very important member of this family. Here’s the house priority list that everyone knows exists but no one mentions.

  1. Bella
  2. Lizzi
  3. Daughters
  4. Norman
  5. Bella
  6. That funny-looking plant in the downstairs toilet.
  7. Bella
  8. Me.

I didn’t realise what a complex creature Bella is. She has a heat pad that has to be wrapped in a tea towel or she’ll burn her bumpty (not my words), she has these long green leafy things in the fridge with Tesco’s Finest on the packet. We don’t buy anything else Tesco’s Finest, just these. Put one of those in your sarnie instead of a chunk of iceberg  and you will get the killer smile

And you don’t want the killer smile. Now, to add to the stress, I have to give Bella ruffles and what in the name of god are ruffles?

In a panic I googled, and they’re American crisps or a  series of small folds in a piece of cloth. But of course, they are not. They’re a special thing that only Diane does to Bella that makes her do the cutest little squeak that’s ever been heard. I’ve tried all week and the big-eared thing just looks at me with disappointed eyes.

And clean up your own poo, stinker.

I’ve also noticed a few strange X-Files things have been happening this week. It’s been a bit of a listy/bullet pointy email this week, so here’s some more:

  • First strange happening – I get up and carelessly throw my covers back on the bed as normal, but when I go back to bed at night they’re a complete mess. That doesn’t usually happen.
  • The car keys now turn up in random places around the house, instead of back near the front door where they should be when I need them. Weird.
  • The kitchen floor’s got muddy paw marks all over it, where usually they dissolve on their own.
  • The toilet seat stays up.
  • A Tesco’s shop turned up yesterday and I didn’t order it.

It’s all very confusing.

At night I sleep in fear.

If there’s a cushionalanche from her side of the bed and that structure comes down, I’m Mr Squishy.  Polite Notice: Anyone out there who’s a friend of Diane, please have mercy. No more cute cushions with adorable slogan’s like ‘Dear Bed, I love you’, or ‘I’m already tired, tomorrow’ it’s now become very dangerous and she has to come to bed three hours early to get them all off. 

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At the moment, I’m not sure when Diane’s coming back. She told me recovery can sometimes take up to 6 weeks, but she indicated it’ll more likely be 3 years and that 80-year-old woman I saw jogging the other day was definitely not her Mum. So we’ll see.

That’s it once again.

One of the (many) things I’m struggling with is the fact that Norman has turned into a pervert and my leg is gorgeous, look.

My calf is nowhere near as defined and muscular as that, but I’m drawing it from Norman’s perspective, so I made it look sexier.  Another point to note, I wear joggers around the house, so not sure why I’ve drawn a naked leg. All that aside, Norman is going through an experimental phase, a journey of self-discovery, which will last until his doodahs get chopped off next month (that hurts just writing it). The point I’m making is this –  Diane isn’t here, with her sexy leg, so my sexy leg is getting all the attention.

And the non-consensual nature of this relationship is getting tiresome – is the nicest way to put it.

Have a great weekend. If you see Norman in the street and your legs are sexy – run.

Take care and all the best,Ian

14 Jan 22 – Home Alone

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