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2 July 21 – New Puppy

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re having another great week
This week, if you emailed me, I may have replied at strange times of the day and it may not have made sense. That’s because I was doing this.


Sleep-typing with your tongue isn’t ideal, because I can’t reach the Q or the A and my ear keeps back-spacing. So why am I doing this? Good question. And here’s the answer.



 Don’t laugh, but he’s called Norman, and we’ve had him for 5 days (is that all).

Norman has no respect for our pre-Norman, let’s call them Anglo-Saxon, days (a little bit of ‘O’ Level history there). Nor does he have any respect for our dislike of GETTING UP AT 4.00 am. Bold and capitals.  

I no longer wake up to the sound of birdsong and the rustle of a gentle breeze (never did but let’s pretend), I now wake up to howling, exceptionally good howling, a quality product from deep inside his howly lungs. Howling that my brain gets me ready for at least an hour before that 4.00 am start.

It looks something like this.



Followed by crashing sounds, as if DIY SOS have started filming and brought a bulldozer. I keep hoping the neighbours had rallied round and phoned the BBC.
‘The poor darlin’s they got a puppy 5 days ago and they just can’t cope.’



This is how it happened. We were in a cafe. I went to powder my nose and when I came back Norman was all but purchased, it was quick. A friend had placed photos on Facebook, why do that to people, why? and my family were crowded round the phone looking like I do when I see a chocolate orange in the fridge.



It was love at first sight.

I listed the cons, because that’s what dad’s do, but ears that were never overly receptive to my voice were now completely deaf.

What about the long walks in December? He’ll look cute on his lead in the rain.
There’ll be dog hairs in your sandwiches? Cute dog hairs are delish.
What about when he destroys your iPad that you leave lying around? Awww, cute cute cute, we’ll get that on insta.
What about when he chews your little toe? Cutey, cutey, cute cute.

So the pros completely outweighed the cons.

So here I am at 4.00 am trying to write this email, while Norman chews on my little toe (told you).

Although you can’t really blame him, look how adorable it is.

I work from home, skwiggling, as you know. And look what happens at 8.00 am everyday.

‘Gotta go, bit late.’ Whoosh, slam. I’m really not sure they went that early in the past.

So I get the 8 to 5.30 shift. The hard graft of smearing wee into the carpet until the stain’s gone, the Sky remote wrestling matches, the bite management, the Rambo style stitching of my arm while staunching the blood with a tourniquet, the waggy tail, the way he falls over, and the moment he sat and gave a paw after only 3 days.

And look, he’s just put his head on my arm and fallen asleep.

How cute is that.

That’s it once again.

Just one last thing about Norman. If I were to draw him how he thinks he looks, this would be it

He thinks his head stops at his eyes. We have a picnic bench, the cross bit on the legs is just a tiny bit low – crash, forehead straight into it.  Wooden coffee table in the living room – smash. Bed, tree branch, telly – smash smash smash. Any one of those collisions would send my fragile cranium to A&E for good.

We haven’t got enough cushions to duct tape everywhere, no I’m lying, have you seen my wife’s side of the bed (Newsletter 23 April). But I’m hoping, whatever brains he has, stored up there in the bit he thinks he doesn’t have, will kick in soon. Wait, bike helmet and duct tape, not a bad idea.

I’ll keep you informed.

Enjoy your weekend. If you’re bored at 4.00 am just pop round, I’ll be out the back.

Take care and all the best,

Ian

2 July 21 – New Puppy

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