2 Sept 22 – Bin Day
Bin day is my favourite day of the week.
There is nothing better than rummaging through the fridge to find the squishy stuff and spectacularly slam-dunking it in the wheelie bin. I’ve never slam-dunked, but I imagine it’s good. And, get ready for one of life’s finest moments – you spot that onion chutney that’s been there since the fridge was just a foetus. You reach in, hoping and praying that this day is the day. You look hard at the ancient, faded label, and there it is, at the back on the left:
Use By: Aug 2022
Wheelie bin. Slam dunk. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Diane says 7.00am on a Monday is just a little too early for that level of celebration but I disagree, a few big fizzy glugs and a celebratory motorsport spray around the kitchen and it’s another empty for the bottles and plastics.
The fruit is the second place I go. At our local supermarket, the fruit looks juicy and shiny on the shelf.
But just after the cashier has bleeped it through, it’s rotten.
When we get home, we don’t usually take it out of its shopping bag. After a couple of days of fermenting in the corner of the kitchen we poured it straight into the bin.
Top Tip Lidl, I mean generic local supermarket: supply fruit bins at your exits so we can dump the purchases immediately and save cluttering up our kitchen.
The bread bin is also a fertile ground for the expired. Bread is bulky and by Monday all the fancy sourdough we haven’t opened from Friday has transmogrified into something we can donate to the local dry-stone walling business.
The scotch pancakes go to Steve’s Metalworking for his lathe and the croissants we use for chewing gum.
Then there’s the place only the brave dare to go – the back of the cupboard. Taties with legs protect the front of the cupboard, they scare me but I battle passed them, say ‘Hi’ to Mr Tumnus and make my way to the very back, to a land filled with Spangles and Angel Delights, where sell-by dates don’t apply.
I’ve learnt over the years that when Diane is carrying an axe, it’s best to pay attention no matter what the expression. I’ve never got to the very back of that cupboard. I fear the Spangles and Angel Delights will always be there. As I close the door I hear a distant sound from deep within…
And slam the cupboard shut quickly with a shudder.
You may have detected a little tension there between myself and my lovely wife. Was it the axe? Diane is resistant to throwing things out and the Monday morning clear-out can be tense.
Diane: ‘I was going to use that leathery old croissant in a leathery croissant pie later.’
Me: ‘No, you weren’t.’
Diane: ‘Get off those brown bananas, I have them on my chewy out-of-date cornflakes.’
Me: ‘No, you don’t’
Me: ‘You can, but you’re not.’
It’s a tense morning but on the whole enjoyable.
Before you go, can I suddenly jump back to Christmas 2013, it’s important?
You: ‘Of course you can Ian, it would be my pleasure to read about that.’
Me: ‘Thank you, you.’
I was opening my presents and Diane got me a lovely box of Quality Street, so I opened them immediately and knocked back a few. But I must’ve had a cold or something because I couldn’t really taste the choccies. I ate about 10 more just to double-check, but still couldn’t really taste anything. I thought I was fine, but now I was spiraling downwards into terminal man-flu. Like a hero I collapsed to the floor.
That was when I noticed, on the side of the Quality Street box:
Sell By Date – Nov 2010.
It was from out-of-date Narnia, deep in the bowels of that cupboard.
I got back up, made a big fuss for 10 minutes and we had a good Christmas.
Later that day, I swear I saw her putting the box back in the cupboard.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
So funny and so true, every fruit I buy from lidl mysteriously has mould by the time I get it home!
Yes, you have to eat it fast in the car 🙂
Thank you Ian look forward to my Skwiggles read every week keep them coming .⭐⭐???
Thanks Pat, glad you’re enjoying them 🙂
I’m with Diane.
I will pass the support on to Diane, she has a few supporters now so I’ll get nothing in the bin 🙂
I’m with Diane on this. I confess to obliterating use-by dates in order to feed stuff to my husband guilt-free! I also have no knowledge of how long things should be kept in the freezer but a 4-year-old Irish stew went down well and he survived the night!!
I agree, how long does stuff last in freezers? I thought forever. And the 4-year-old Irish stew sounded delicious, should’ve left it for another 4 🙂
Mmmmm, I have a wife just like Diane!!!!
Haha, hope she doesn’t have an axe 🙂
This made me proper laugh out loud… especially the Lidl…. generic supermarket comment.
Your house sound’s very much like my own, except yours have more humour than mine.
Glad it made you laugh Julie. That fruit from the ‘generic supermarket’ has a shelf life of minutes:)
???That’s a mirror image of me and my missus, not the axe though (chainsaw)
Haha Roger, the axe was easier for me to draw than a chainsaw, Diane’s good with a chainsaw too 🙂
Top work Ian
With all that’s going on in the world at the moment , it’s great fun reading your stories on a Friday ?????????
Thanks John, glad you enjoyed it. You’re right, it’s a grim old world out there at the moment. I’m trying to ignore it 🙂
Years ago, when I was just a tad there were no such things as sell by or use by dates we went by our sense of smell and whether it looked iffy! I still ignore the package dates as they are there merely so the supermarkets don’t get sued if you’re daft enough to eat something iffy. I am with Diane on this one – sorry.
I will pass your support on to Diane, she’ll be chuffed 🙂
I’m like your good lady wife too – I regard sell by dates only as suggestions. So long as it passes the sniff test and has no furry hat, it’s on the menu! Only for me I would add as the rest of my family look on in horror
If you have any really old stuff, let me know and I’ll put it in the back of our cupboard 🙂
Yet again you have smashed this weeks newsletter, certainly starts off the weekend with a smile x keep up the good work
Thanks Debbie, glad you enjoyed it. Bet you can’t wait to put the bins out 🙂
Made me laugh and do familier. Can’t wait to show my wife. ( After I hide the axe ).
Glad you enjoyed it, but be careful when you show your wife, the axe really hurts 🙂
I’m with you on this Ian. Can I just mention that you should investigate the spice rack? I’ve found jars five years out of date there in the past…
You’re right, the spice rack, I will check. Some of them you can’t get out anyway because they’ve turned to concrete in the bottom 🙂
Our bins are alternate weeks for general waste and recyling. On 3 bin recycling week I like to put out the one bin general waste bin just to see how many of the neighbours cannot remember which week it is. I like to slam dunk 2 or 3 wine bottles into the glass recycling bin at about 5 a.m. the morning after the neighbours have been bbqing till midmight. As Norman Stanley Fletcher used to say, “Little victories my son, little victories.”
Haha Paul, I like that, I will add that to my weekly routine, see what happens. Those little victories are important 🙂
Another master piece. It’s become part of what makes Friday into a proper Friday. Something to look forward to and never disappoints..
Thanks Andy, glad you enjoyed it and glad it makes your Friday 🙂
This reminds me of when I was a child in the 70s and used an open box of cocoa powder to make chocolate cornflake cakes. I acquired the box from the back of an old camper van my dad had just brought. An hour later and I’m thrown into the bath as I start blowing up like a balloon with my mum trying to figure out what the heck had happened!
Ouch Sarah, that sounded a bit serious. Glad you got through it
We were made of tough stuff back then ?
Absolutely 🙂
Well I’m with you on that one Mr Y!
Hate waste but there is always something lurking in the depths.
Cranberry Sauce trying to play the long game, use by 3rd Dec. But I won’t want you until 25th so get in the bin!
Thanks for the support Tracy 🙂 Don’t look too closely into the depths
I can relate fully to your plight! We seem to have stuff in the fridge, that’s been put in there -seeimngly – because there’s no room in any of the Cupboards! Or in some kind of weird mistaken belief that the simple act of sticking it in the fridge and then just closing the door and leaving it there (possibly until the time comes, many decades/Milennia later to actually install a new fridge, and maybe even one of those new fangled “fridge freezer thingies”. There’s also the mistaken belief that just because it keeps things cool, you can load it up like some kind futuristic invention from a Science Fiction film, where you place items in Stasis or suspended animation, then after a unspecified period of time, (i.e. either when the item rots and the smell sends you back across the kitchen) you decide to remove it. Only to be told, about 5 minutes later “I was gonna use that” 😀