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Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re having another great week.I’ve talked about my dog, Lizzi, a few times on this email, but this I considered to be a new low. Don’t read on if you’re squeamish. But, here’s the big news for non-animal lovers, dog’s poo.

There are a few rules we must comply with to keep our dog happy.

She is okay to wee in our garden if absolutely necessary, but pooing in it is an outrage, a contravention of her canine rights. A poo has to be an event, a theatrical production and we have to be out-out for that to happen.


So I walked up into town, going to the post office with a few prints and cards etc to deliver to you lovely people.



There’s a zebra crossing at B&Ms to get to the Post Office. I made the foolish mistake of using it. I was minding my own business crossing the road, when she thought ‘this looks good, plenty of people, cars, a couple of lorries coming up the hill.’ She went into the hunch.

I’ve pixelated to protect the innocent.


She’s only small, but very strong and determined when she gets into her poo position. I tried to pull her, but a nice old lady said ‘Just leave her, they can wait’, referring to the cars (and approaching lorries).

A couple of things to note during this event, I’ll bullet point them:The poo bags had slipped through a hole in my jacket pocket into the lining. 
When I found them I couldn’t get them apart quickly, because I was carrying your parcels (I know, hero).
As for Lizzi, it wasn’t a clean exit, that’s all I’m going to say. 
She started dancing bow-legged in circles in the middle of the road to get rid of it.
Before I knew it she was smearing her bum along the white bit of the zebra.
Horns started pipping. 
I heard sniggering, I’m sure of it.

Luckily, she finished and I manage to clean up before the queue blocked junction 41 of the M6 17 miles away.

When it was over, she took the applause and we carried on.


It was a trauma. Now, every time she sees me sneaking out of the door with my parcels, she grabs her top hat and cane.

If you’re caught in traffic chaos somewhere in North Cumbria, I apologise, it is ‘literally” a tail-back.

Sorry about that. But it’s best to share distressing incidents, I think. So thanks for the therapy.


That’s it once again.

Here’s a real photo of our dog.


She’s watching me put my jacket on and pick up the parcels. She’s willing me to forget the poo bags, because the panic in my face would make things even better at the end of her performance.

Applause, flowers, and an £80 fine for encore.

Enjoy your weekend. If you’re in Cumbria, sorry about the traffic at junction 41.

Take care and all the best,

Ian
30 April 21

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