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30 July 21 – Fatty

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re having another great week.

I tried on my ‘good’ going-out jeans the other day. And something bad happened.

I haven’t tried them on for about a year, because I’ve been living in elasticated-waist heaven, and low and behold the stupid things had shrunk. That crappy washing machine.

I didn’t want to actually go out into a real shop to try some more on, who does that nowadays, so the only real option, to make things easy, was to invent a shrinking machine.

But, I have to admit, I’m not a complete expert in shrinking technology and to be honest my shrinker looked more like this:

So, it didn’t work. Which meant I had to shrink myself the hard way, which I hate doing.

Although I did some research, and I found a diet where all you need to do is eat eggs, cheese and meat, which wasn’t a million miles from my normal eating habits. Here’s my daily eating plan on the Keto diet.

Breakfast: Eggs
Lunch: Eggs and cheese
Dinner: Cheesy eggs with meat

And it’s working. I’ve lost about 5 lbs in two weeks and I don’t know how because I’m defying the laws of physics. Similar to ‘what goes up must come down’, there must be a biological rule of ‘what goes in must come out.’ What do you think Isaac?

But that’s not happening. I’m eating but nothing… how can I put this…there doesn’t seem to be any waste…okay, let’s have a visual metaphor to describe my internal situation. 

Which is what my wife’s been saying for a long time now.

I’m not sure whether this is a long-term solution, there will be an explosion at some point, so make sure you have your umbrella unfurled when that happens.

Deep down inside I know what the problem is. It’s a secret lock-down love affair I’ve been having (don’t tell Diane). When that fridge door opens, there she is.

Terry, you genius, how is it possible to create such a beautiful thing? Once that orangy wrapper is peeled, revealing those scrumptious chocolaty segments, there is no way it can be allowed to last the day.

At my peak, I was on a 20 segment a day habit.

I miss her, but it’s for the best. It hasn’t been easy, I saw her the other day for a quid at B&Ms, she’s just doing that…

I’ll probably ditch the keto diet soon before any internal damage is done, then I will continue alone without Terry.

Sorry, it’s been such a sad ending, you must be devastated.

That’s it once again.

As for next week, we’re going on holiday.  Queue Lionel Ritchie, because we’re going to ‘Party, Karamu, Fiesta, forever’. Not sure how to Karamu, but good job I lost that 5Ibs, because I’m bikini body ready for…the Peak District.


It’s great that the weather’s changed (sarcasm emoji). If you hadn’t guessed, and why would you? that’s me at the Heights of Abraham next week. 

Don’t worry about Skwiggles though, it’s in the safe hands of our printers. The only things affected will be returns, and the sales items from the returns page. We’ll get them out as soon as we get back on the 9th August.

Enjoy your weekend. 
Take care and all the best,

Ian

30 July 21 – Fatty

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