Spread the love

5 Aug 22 – What your dog is trying to tell you

Bought this at the supermarket, so I can communicate better with Norman.

So I’ve read it and me and Norman are getting on great, communicating effectively late into the night.

  • Norman: Woof woof – there’s a couple of drunks outside.
  • Norman: Woof woof – someone’s slammed a car door.
  • Me (from upstairs): Woof woof – shut up you idiot.

I’ve only mastered that one phrase, but I used it often.

Apart from that sentence, here’s what else I’ve learnt from the guide.

Whenever I come home from, wait I don’t go anywhere, so let’s say the shops, I give him the canine handshake.

This lets me know if he’s in a good mood, when he last ate and whether he’s healthy. All useful info and saves a fortune at the vets.

Diane: He looks a bit off today?

Me: Sniff, sniff, cholesterol a little high but he’ll be fine.

After the handshake we both yawn.

According to the expert in the magazine, yawning can mean he’s sick, or stressed or not stressed or looking forward to something or not looking forward to something.

EXPERT in inconclusiveness

He yawns quite a lot, especially when I talk to him.

Diane does too, but I haven’t got the ‘What your wife is trying to tell you’ magazine, so not sure what that means.

Then we chew some socks from the bottom of the laundry basket together.

After we’ve chewed a hole in them and threw them in the air a bit, we roll on them, hide them behind the shed and flatten our ears against our heads.

According to the expert in the magazine, ears pulled back means they are fearful or friendly or sad or not fearful or unfriendly or happy.

EXPERT on inconclusive earography

Next up, we go and eat some long straggly bits of grass in the garden. Apparently, dogs eat grass because there’s something lacking in their diet, how do they know that? I have no idea what I’m lacking, but I eat a lot of custard creams just in case it’s creaminess.

Next day, after a good session of straggly grass eating, Me and Norman do our version of the Paul Daniel’s neverending ribbon from the fist trick.

But it’s not a ribbon and it’s not a fist I’m pulling it out of, and Debbie Mcgee is not involved. You’ll be glad to know I haven’t done a more graphic sketch of this, because the answer to the question of whether you’ll like it, I can definitely say – not a lot.

Childish poo sketch without grass to clarify.

I take Norman for a walk at least twice a day and the magazine says I should allow him to sniff as much as he wants. Smelling is his way of sussing out the world and if you don’t let him it could lead to depression. However, waiting for Norman to stop sniffing can also lead to depression, mine.

Dogs can detect if our blood sugar levels are low. Now that we can communicate so well, I realise that whenever Norman glances in the general direction of the fridge, he’s telling me to have a couple of segments of chocolate orange. Thanks, Norm you’re a lifesaver.

He can also detect kidney, bladder, prostate, and skin cancer.

But I can never get an appointment.

According to the expert in the magazine, there’s no evidence to suggest dogs can detect ghosts.

because they don’t exist

One of the most important things Norman does for me is make me look incredibly attractive. Here’s a typical example.

Complete stranger in the street: ‘What a handsome fella YOU are.’

No one ever said that to me before Norman came along.

‘What a choochy face, what a choochy woochy face.’

That’s when it gets a bit awkward.

So there you are, all the information you need to communicate effectively with your dog. Or, if you want to simplify things, check if their tail’s wagging.

Have a great weekend. 

Take care and all the best,

Ian

(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)


5 Aug 22 – What your dog is trying to tell you

36 thoughts on “5 Aug 22 – What your dog is trying to tell you

  • August 5, 2022 at 10:48 am
    Permalink

    Best one so far, hilarious!

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 12:58 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Lisa, glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • August 5, 2022 at 3:39 pm
        Permalink

        Ah, I skim read this – it’s only dogs you handshake like that……..

        Reply
        • August 5, 2022 at 5:14 pm
          Permalink

          That’s up to you Steve, give it a try down the High St and let me know how it goes πŸ™‚

          Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 11:12 am
    Permalink

    Oh wow! You’ve just made my day! Had a good laugh just when I needed it! Thank you, love your stuff 🧑

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 12:59 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Judy, glad it made you laugh. Have a great weekend πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 11:14 am
    Permalink

    Loved thus, was laughing at it as I have an 11 month old border collie puppy and you could be describing me and Rory ( the puppy)

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:01 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Karen, glad you enjoyed it. Rory sounds fun, Norman would love to move in with you, help out with Rory πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 11:26 am
    Permalink

    So funny. Always look forward to these.

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:01 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Serpil, glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 11:30 am
    Permalink

    Said it before and will say it again … Please do a book about Naughty Norman😁
    Love your weekly newsletter – highlight of my Friday morning.

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:04 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Lorna, glad you like it. Norman would want all the profits, he doesn’t know I say all these bad things about him πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 12:08 pm
    Permalink

    Ian , so true, i have 2 dogs that sniff for England, usually one after the other, on top of weeing on each others wee, so our lead walks consist of a whole lot of stopping and starting.
    and don’t get me started on grass eating, i often have to ‘ operate ‘ while the dogs are pooing, don’t you just love them.

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:07 pm
      Permalink

      Haha Maibritt, I don’t think I could cope with 2 Normans. Norman has a drop of wee reserved for all lamposts and most bushes with a 2 mile radius of our house πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 12:22 pm
    Permalink

    Hahahaha this is brilliant…. Any idea how we communicate with my daughter’s great Dane pup Elton and tell him he can’t eat his way out of the kitchen to get to the neighbours dog whose in heat…. She is now minus a kitchen door , not to mention the worktops 🀦

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:11 pm
      Permalink

      Don’t want to come between Elton and his girlfriend. I used to know a very fat lab that ate through a wall to get to his biscuits, but Elton sounds even more dedicated to his mission πŸ™‚

      Reply
        • August 5, 2022 at 5:15 pm
          Permalink

          Thanks Jacqueline. Have a great weekend πŸ™‚

          Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 12:28 pm
    Permalink

    Love it – 2 Frenchies – 1 kept on lead (naughty), 1 free to do her own thing. Oh the hours of waiting for 1 to stop sniffing while the other is having a ball – and as for the Paul Daniels trick…I’m with you there – laughed out loud, brilliant!!

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:15 pm
      Permalink

      Don’t know why we call it a dog walk, it’s just sniffing, weeing and pooing (and magic tricks). Glad you enjoyed it πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 12:43 pm
    Permalink

    Sadly, I too am a victim of the Paul Faniels magic trick. πŸ™„

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 1:16 pm
      Permalink

      It’s a real crowd pleaser, if there are people about πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 1:55 pm
    Permalink

    Great story, good to see that you and Norman are commmunicating. πŸ˜€ Always thought that the idea of them sniffing everywhere was so that they can find their way around, this is apparently why, after having had a “necessary” sniff, they then have a – sort of obligatory – squirt afterwards, it’s a sort of identity tag or marker, so that if or when they pass that way again they know where they’ve been

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 5:23 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Baz, that explains a few things. Might try that myself, I’m always getting lost. Have a good weekend πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 2:36 pm
    Permalink

    I’m sure I met the twin brother of the Expert of Inconcluse Earology at a professional development training course!

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 5:09 pm
      Permalink

      Haha, one word to describe that magazine- inconclusive or maybe conclusive πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 2:59 pm
    Permalink

    Brilliant – laughing out loud! We have a chocolate Labrador who often looks towards the fridge – thanks for letting me know why! Saving my life too! πŸ˜‰

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 5:11 pm
      Permalink

      Labradors are very helpful. He’s staring at the fridge now, 6ish on a Friday night, I think that means I need a beer πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 3:35 pm
    Permalink

    I think all of your stories are very funny. I haven’t bought a t-shirt yet, but I will. Just cannot decide which one .

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 5:12 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Barbey, glad you like the stories and the t-shirts. Have a good weekend πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 5, 2022 at 5:01 pm
    Permalink

    Oh Ian, your stories just get funnier and funnier. I’ve just been laughing and dribbled my wine down my teeshirt!

    I so look forward to receiving your emails, unlike most emails from others. So thank you! Keep up the funny work πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • August 5, 2022 at 5:19 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks Heather, really appreciate that. Glad you like it. Like I said on another comment, Norman’s staring at the fridge at 6ish on a Friday and that definitely means it’s time for a beer. Enjoy your wine πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 6, 2022 at 6:02 am
    Permalink

    Love your weekly tales, they really make me chuckle….we should chuckle more πŸ˜„

    Reply
    • August 7, 2022 at 10:07 am
      Permalink

      Thanks Sara, glad they make you chuckle πŸ™‚

      Reply
  • August 6, 2022 at 8:02 am
    Permalink

    You at the fringe this month πŸ€£πŸ€˜πŸ‘

    Reply
    • August 7, 2022 at 10:11 am
      Permalink

      Wish I was, went a couple of years ago, it was brill (watching not performing, just to be clear) πŸ™‚

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

0