12 Aug 22 – Ichthyophobia

I’m not sure you know this, but Diane is ichthyophobic.

This is an infliction that affects all aspects of her life: holidays, friends, Chinese restaurants, David Attenborough, Tescos – it’s serious.

It all started on a lilo in the Mediterranean when she was 8 years old. She was bobbing about enjoying the sunshine, a bit like this

Little did she know beneath the surface of the ocean, right then, lay the cause of her lifelong infliction.

One happy jump out of the water to see what air felt like, an unfortunate landing on an unsuspecting human stomach, a bit of flopping around on the aforementioned unsuspecting human stomach, and a plop back in the water. That’s all it took.

Diane never recovered and from that moment on she’s been scared of fish.

Aquariums are out, The Blue Planet is a horror show, the fish stall at Tesco is terrifying and she can spot a fish tank at a Chinese restaurant before we get out of the car.

She’s a good swimmer as long as there’s chlorine and verrucas, but, after the lilo incident, she’s only been in the sea about twice in her life, both times required a bottle of prosecco to aid buoyancy. I have generously tried to cure her affliction with exposure therapy many times, look Diane

But nothing’s worked so far.

As part of the therapy, I persuaded her to come out on a pedalo once, and, instead, I discover she was the sister of the Messiah. Halfway round she slipped and fell in (maybe it was two bottles of prosecco that time.) She disappeared over the side. A millisecond later…

She bounced back onto the pedalo. Jesus can walk on water, Diane can bounce. The fish didn’t have time to do what evil things fish do.

The second time, she actually came into the water with me. We were trying to swim out to a raft about 50 feet out.

She insisted I was on the seaward side of her at all times, just in case there were any sharks. Let me repeat that ‘just in case there were any sharks.’ She was using me as bait, and while the shark tossed my chewed body in the air, she could then be making for the shore.

We never made it to the raft.

Friends tip: If you’re sick of her coming round your house, get down to massivefishtanks.co.uk and bung one in the window with a couple of wind-ups floating around. You’ll never see her again.

Having said all this, of all the trillions of nasty, disgusting fish in the sea, there is one that’s tolerable. Just one. In fact, at one point I’m sure I heard her say the word cute. Here is the only fish she can look at without pulling a face like she’s just been stabbed in the back.

Thanks Nemo, if only there were 3 trillion of you instead of the others.

Have a great weekend. 

Take care and all the best,

Ian

(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)


12 Aug 22 – Ichthyophobia

63 thoughts on “12 Aug 22 – Ichthyophobia

  • August 12, 2022 at 10:25 am
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    You need to write a book!
    I look forward to and love reading your emails.
    Keep up the good work.

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 10:46 am
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      Thanks Sarah, I’m glad you like them. I’ll get started on my ‘Why Fish are Evil’ book ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great weekend.

      Reply
      • August 12, 2022 at 10:18 pm
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        I always look forward to your weekly emails – I always end up laughing out loud. You like Rush too so obviously have great taste in music as well ?

        Reply
        • Ian Young
          August 13, 2022 at 10:44 am
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          Thanks Paul, glad you like them and yes I’m a big Rush fan, seen them many times. Have a great weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

          Reply
          • August 13, 2022 at 6:42 pm
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            Ian, love your posts and always have me chuckling.
            Many comments on my Banana Splits tee, seems everyone had a fave and knew the song – Bingo was mine and instilled a life long love of cheeky monkeys .

          • Ian Young
            August 15, 2022 at 8:13 am
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            Thanks Elaine, glad the Banana Splits tee is going down well. Used to love Sat morning telly ๐Ÿ™‚

    • August 12, 2022 at 11:12 am
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      Just placed an order with http://www.massivefishtanks.co.uk. Not, I stress to repel your lovely wife (who has an equally lovely smile by the way). I just needed a massive fish tank.

      Thanks so much for your emails. They make my Fridays tolerable.

      Take good care of yourselves (and Norman).

      Martyn.

      Reply
    • August 13, 2022 at 5:14 pm
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      Always brightens up my Fridays, thanks Ian….(and Diane obviously) ???

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:26 am
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    Great designs and fast delivery. Thoroughly recommend and will shop again

    Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:30 am
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    Hi,
    I signed up for your newsletter, but haven’t to my knowledge received anything regarding a discount?
    Thanks
    Phil

    Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:31 am
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    Oh my days! Love your stories. Just what I needed to cheer me up on this blistering Friday!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 10:42 am
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      Thanks Penny, glad you enjoyed it. Hope you find some fish-free water to cool off in ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:33 am
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    As funny as ever Ian.
    Keep ’em coming.

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      • August 12, 2022 at 7:11 pm
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        My daughter has duck o phobia. She was bitten ( billed?) by a duck on the top lip as a toddler at Lightwater Valley. She was munching on a sandwich next to the pond. A ravenous duck with a limp attached itself to her face, a bit like a feathered Alien, after eating the dry crust still poking out of her mouth. Armed with nothing more than a tepid thermos flask, I bravely drove the creature away back to the watery abyss from whence it came. If my daughter (now 28 years old ) sees any species of duck she is in a total panic and would win a gold medal in any 20 yard sprint.

        Reply
        • Ian Young
          August 13, 2022 at 10:34 am
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          Haha Gary, a terrifying but funny story (if you’re not your daughter) and you were very brave to tackle it with the flask. Diane sends her commiserations, she is also pretty fast running away from water ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great weekend

          Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:39 am
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    Omg, this is hilarious, I have chuckled away to myself. I have never known this fact about my lovely friend. I will cover our fish tank up in future ???

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    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 10:53 am
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      She will never come round to your house again, far too scary ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 10:41 am
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    Omg laughed so much! (Sorry Diane)

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 10:55 am
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      Glad you enjoyed it, Lisa. Diane pulled the ‘being stabbed in the back’ face when she saw that last fish ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:03 am
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    My husband loves the sea – however, if brave enough to snorkle on his own I can count the seconds until he is a doing an impression of a Mississippi paddle boat ploughing a trough through the sand back to our towels โ€œI thought I saw a shark – well – it was a big shadowโ€! Great fertile imagination though! Maybe I need to commission a t-shirt?!! Happy Friday!!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 11:24 am
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      Haha Sian, it’s dangerous on the high seas, do you want me to swim on the seaward side of him ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy Friday to you too!

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:06 am
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    I empathise with Diane, although I’m ok with fish, not water!! – hydrophobic, possibly – due to a traumatic encounter under the sea in my younger years. I just don’t ‘do water’ of the non-imbibing kind if there is any chance of it covering my face. I was even scared of getting under showers until quite recently!!!
    I am married to a qualified scuba diver – marriage of opposites springs to mind!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 11:12 am
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      Poor you Martina, but that’s hilarious that you’re married to a scuba diver ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:22 am
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    Thanks Ian – I hate to laugh at your good lady’s expense but that was really funny.

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 12:21 pm
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      Thanks Chris, don’t worry she’ll forgive you, maybe not me though for writing it. Enjoy your weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:24 am
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    If your dog was my dog heโ€™d be Norman Normanโ€ฆ I miss my dog โ€ฆ but he wasnโ€™t called Normanโ€ฆ ?

    Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:32 am
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    Another Friday chuckle, thanks again! Iโ€™m off to Montreux soon to see Freddieโ€™s statue and will be wearing my Freddie tshirt- where do I send the photo? ?

    Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 11:39 am
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    I had a pain with laughing at this! What a wonderful way you have with words and your art is brilliant.

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 12, 2022 at 12:15 pm
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      Thanks Anne, glad you enjoyed it and sorry it was painful ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great weekend x

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 2:01 pm
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    Briia t story guys l love your little stories

    Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 7:50 pm
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    I donโ€™t understand why youโ€™re not including new product designs in the weekly newsletters, Ian. Your witty updates are ok but part of the enjoyment for me has always been to see the fruits of your creative imagination. And to see whether youโ€™ve come up with a t-shirt Iโ€™d buy.

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:38 am
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      Hi Tony, the new products are on the email if you scroll down passed the Read More button. Sorry if that’s misleading. The Read More button is just for the write-up and takes you to our website. Hope that explains it ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe I need to make that clearer

      Reply
  • August 12, 2022 at 8:54 pm
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    Iโ€™m totally with Diane! Fish are scary monsters. My other half loves the sea but I still think he might be wrong and that you could actually tread on a fish while wading out thereโ€ฆ Best not to risk it I say! Thanks for another classic anecdote, I love these Friday treats!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:42 am
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      Poor you Frankie but Diane is glad to have another member of the ichthyphobia gang (if this is going to be a real gang you need a more pronounceable name) Stay away from the scary monsters ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 6:22 am
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    That was a fab story…?
    Can I just say, I bought the John Cooper Clarke t-shirt for my little brother a few weeks ago and in the 3 times I’ve seen him since, he’s been wearing it…he said he’s had so many comments, or people surreptitiously reading it ?and just walking off smiling ?…Thank You!!!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:52 am
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      Thanks Jan, and thanks for letting me know about JCC t-shirt, really glad he likes it. Sounds like it’s making everyone swear in their heads ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 8:31 am
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    Brilliant. I look forward to these mails every week, they always make me laugh.
    Your merch is top quality too!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:53 am
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      Thanks Ali, glad you like them and the merch. Have a great weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 9:26 am
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    I love these emails ? And the illustrations are brilliant!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:54 am
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      Thanks Jenny, glad you like them. Have a great weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 9:36 am
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    Just love these little stories, you should do a book. The drawings are great. Happy Weekendโ™ฅ๏ธ

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:55 am
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      Thanks Jayne, really glad you like them. Happy Weekend to you too ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 9:52 am
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    Love your illustrations, love the stories – we need to get you out to a wider audience

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 10:57 am
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      Thanks Kevan, glad you like them and yes a wider audience would be great ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great weekend

      Reply
  • August 13, 2022 at 10:41 am
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    You definitely need a daily column, or summat similarโ€ฆyour wit needs to be out there! Gormless fish caption โ€˜rudeโ€™ made me snigger the most!

    Reply
    • Ian Young
      August 13, 2022 at 11:02 am
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      Thanks Mandi, I really appreciate your enthusiasm and glad you like the gormless fish ๐Ÿ™‚ Diane was terrified by the gormless fish (not surprisingly), so we won’t be putting that photo above the mantlepiece. Have a great weekend

      Reply
  • August 16, 2022 at 3:40 pm
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    THANK YOU for making me smile!

    Reply

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