It’s Good Friday, and my mam has made me write about religion this week.
She hasn’t really, but that voice in my head that’s either created by God or a few neurons firing randomly, thought it might be a good idea.
Really? Here’s a screenshot from my latest MRI.
And you thought neurons couldn’t be lonely.
I went to a good Catholic school, ‘good’ in the strict Ofsted definition which means ‘decidedly average verging on poor.’ But after 18 years of school Catholicism, I decide to become a strict agnostic with a little side order of belief, just in case.
I got a Religious Studies ‘O’ Level (I know, brainy, eh?) with a syllabus that may have been slightly modified by the nuns. After completing the course, I still wasn’t aware that other religions besides Catholicism existed.
Protestants, and their penchant for divorce, were briefly discussed and dismissed, and all the other religions in the world were covered in a 5-minute session on the 14 November 1977 entitled ‘Don’t really need to know this bit.’
Not sure I knew much about evolution either.
Every Good Friday we went to confession. I haven’t been for 30 years but I think I might swing by there on my 80th birthday with a long list, just to be on the safe side.
Back then, 8-year-old me had a standard list of sins that I would say every time.
I would start off with a catch-all phrase, to see if the priest was even bothered, and to see if I could get off early for good behaviour.
‘I’ve been a bit naughty,’ was my opener.
Then I would pause and hope to hear this:
‘Two Hail Marys and don’t do it again.’
But some priests wanted to drill down a bit deeper into my naughtiness.
‘Can you give me some examples, my child?’
Here’s where I had to dig out the supplementary material. Don’t worry I was prepared. Here’s my additional list, fleshing out the details a bit.
- ‘I talked back to me mam a couple of times (translation: every 3 minutes).
- ‘I didn’t tidy my room (ever).’
- ‘Got angry with my brother when he beat me a Subbuteo (punched him in the face).’
- ‘Didn’t concentrate at school (pretended to be sick and watched telly all day.)’
- ‘Murdered the neighbour’s cat.’
That last one was just to see if he was still paying attention.
When I thought he was about to absolve and I was almost out the door…
The line of questioning took a wrong turn.
‘Have you had a girlfriend?’
‘What?’ My ears went red. ‘But girl’s smell, Father, why would I do that?’ I was 8, remember, as a 57-years-old I now realise they don’t (not all the time.)
‘Have you kissed a girl at any time?’
‘Yack, no. I did look at the bra section of the John Moore’s catalog once, but that was it.’
‘How did that make you feel?’
‘Well, errr… I thought 3 for £15 was a great deal.’
(Note: I have no idea how much bras cost now or then.)
During these ‘chats’ I was told that if I did get a girlfriend I had to make sure she was a good Catholic, so I could produce good Catholic kids and have an amazing Catholic life.
I have some shocking news.
So far the jaws of hell haven’t closed around me and dragged me down into the raging fires. And to be honest I’ve discovered Protestants are actually totally amazing. Unless I just got lucky with the Protestant I fooled into being my wife.
Going to confession got super awkward later, when we got a trendy new priest, who decided to do away with the curtain. Worse still, he did this
Right in your face and occasionally – steel yourself – he held your hand to reassure you that your sins weren’t quite bad enough for eternal damnation.
I would’ve taken eternal damnation at that point just to make him let go of my hand.
After the Good Friday confessions, completely absolved, we went home for a sin-free sarnie (me mam was in Weight Watchers) and then we were back in the afternoon because it was a ‘right good doo on Good Friday.’ This meant the sermon was lengthy. I crunched some data and plotted a graph so you could visualize its longevity.
But there was one good bit. During the Gospel, we got to play the part of the crowd, so it was a bit pantomimey.
Pontius Pilot (the priest): ‘Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?’
Us (the crowd): ‘No, release Barabbas.’
Pontius Pilot: ‘Are you sure?’
Us: ‘Yes, Crucify him. Crucify him.’
Pontius Pilot: ‘But where is the King of the Jews?’
And then we went home and I stared at my Easter Eggs for a bit, and we had a chunk of old fish from the back of the fridge and waited for some better news three days hence.
On Easter Sunday, I wasn’t allowed to eat my Easter eggs until the Lord had officially risen, and he wouldn’t rise from the dead…
Crickey, imagine the stress. The future of Christianity and the core concept of its belief system was in my hands. The Lord would not rise if I was bad. Now, that was a lot of pressure for an 8-year-old.
Luckily for Christianity, I really wanted those Easter eggs. So one hour of goodness in exchange for chocolate and eternal happiness seemed a good deal.
Have a great Easter weekend. Be good, so you get some eggs and save Christianity.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Hahaha.. so funny nd just how I remember the confessional.. AND the education of other religions.. pah.. who needs that lol yep all true.. good (sometimes) catholic girl who also didn’t marry another in the cult
Glad you enjoyed it Lesley. I’ll be back to the confessional in about 20 years, just in case 🙂
What ……. No Norman !!! Xx
Norman, no chocolate, honestly it’s not good for you but maybe I can help you 😉 out with that one xxx
If he could, Norman would eat all the eggs in the world on his mission to be very fat.
Thanks for the laughs Ian. Can relate to the confessional, although priest was still hidden in my day. I remember the catechism! Can still quote some questions parrot fashion. But years later I did commit to being a Christian but never went back to Catholic church.
Glad you enjoyed it, Brenda. I think the priest needs to stay behind the curtain, those modern ones freaked me out a little, staring at me while I made things up (because I’m so good) 🙂
Brilliantly funny tale Ian.
It was Kays catalogue for me….closely followed by the ‘ porn hidden in a bush ‘ moment😆
I’d need more hail Mary’s than all the lies Donald Trump has uttered to absolve me from sin.
It’s Satans sin palace for me I guess….sitting opposite Simon ‘Satan’ Cowell ( real musics killer) and not able to kick him in the cobblers.
Keep up the above average work
Andy from Hull
Thanks Andy, better get started on those Hail Marys, I’ll get me mam to say a few for you 🙂
Thanks Ian for brightening up Good Friday. Love the caricatures (especially of your Mum!). What an absolute hoot & I’m off to buy some chocolate now…Happy Easter
Glad you enjoyed it Dino, don’t think me mam’s happy with me, she said she’s not giving me any eggs now 🙂 Happy Easter to you too
Loved your Easter religious reminiscences Ian. I think all ‘brought up as a Catholic kids’ have experienced similar. Lent WAS hell to me but that giant box of saved sweets and chocolate was heaven on Easter Sunday. Loved the descriptions of the confessional.
Easter Sunday, after church, was definitely heaven. Heard some breaking news on the telly this week, apparently eating a full chocolate egg is bad for you (shocking). I used to eat about 10, and never knew what a sugar rush was until my daughter told me. Have a good Easter, watch out for the rush.
Great stuff, as usual. 👍
Thanks Tim
My wife and meself always have a good laugh at Easter (we’re miserable the rest of the year) about the time my wife went to mass one Good Friday, only to find the doors firmly locked and a few bewildered pensioners standing outside). Apparently the church was being redecorated, so it was closed. She happened to see the “Bag of Yeast” exiting from a side entrance, so collared him (pardon the pun). he was apparently a bit dismissive saying “it’s being redecorated, come back tomorrow”. she had a bit of an argument with him and then went home. She explained to her mother (who was – like yours – a very regular church goer – ) what had happened, expecting support, but instead got told “Oh my god, that’s it, I’m gonna get Excommunicated”. Come Easter Sunday, they attended the service as usual, then at the end he apparently came down the Aisle, and said “excuse me” to which her mother near enough drained of her colour, and had to lean on a nearby wall for support “This is it, I hope your happy” To which the priest said to my wife “I’m sorry, I was out sorts the other day, and apologise, can you forgive me ?” To which my wife replied “There’s nothing to forgive” after which he admistered absolution
Decorating during the main event of the year, that preist seems even less orgainsed tham me. Me mam would’ve been livid, it would’ve taken at least 10 Hail Marys to calm dowm
Thanks for a good chuckle. My “low C of E” upbringing still has me observing a chocolate free Lent at 86 . And looking forward to a chocfest on Sunday.
Well done for keeping up the lent fasting, hope you had a few yesterday to make up for it 🙂
Brilliant
Thanks Evelyn