The Waterpark
In the days when people wore speedos proudly and my gut didn’t do this when I sat down
Something bad happened.
By the way, I don’t normally sit with my arms like that, because that would be strange.
I was 20 odd and at a water park in Spain with Diane. I was also braver back then, or maybe still trying to be impressive, we weren’t married.
‘Oh my, surely not, you’re so brave,’ Diane swooned.
‘Don’t even think about stopping me,’ I said. She didn’t, so I had to go.
I strode off like Thor going into battle, only very pale and thin.
When I got to the top of the kamikaze, I could see the circumference of the earth.
The edge dropped off in front of me and, like many other times in my life, I thought maybe this wasn’t my best idea. Diane was sunbathing below on the earth’s surface, so I waved as if I wasn’t about to cry.
‘Mover idiota’ said the tanned Spaniard and blew his whistle, gesturing aggressively with his arms.
I’m not fluent, but I think he was being supportive.
I clenched, pushed off and disappeared over the precipice, never to be seen…
You know what, it wasn’t that bad, in fact, I actually enjoyed it. And got a free colonic irrigation, so it was all good. I adjusted my speedos back into position and gestured to Diane, that I was going again.
I think I heard her say from three pools away.
Everyone was having a great time on my walk back up. It was a lovely day, people were having fun and laughing. It was good to hear.
As I walked the laughter intensified. Halfway up, I thought Mickey Flanagan was having a gig behind me.
And then I felt a slight breeze, where I shouldn’t have felt a slight breeze and a feeling that something wasn’t quite as it should be. My pace slowed, and down the slope Mickey Flanagan cracked another belter.
I glanced back.
They stopped laughing when I turned but were still grinning enthusiastically.
And the uneasy breeze came again. I decided to adjust my speedos around the stern region, fearing there may have been a wedge situation. I reached around casually, as if there was maybe a slight itch but nothing major to worry about, no big deal. My hand touched flesh where speedo should’ve been. I stopped and the Mickey Flanagan crowd did this.
Down the Kamakazi, the speedos had split from the waistband all the way under and expanded sideways to allow my bumpty plenty of room to stick right out. Here’s a PG-rated drawing
I was displaying my assets. That reminds me, we’re still selling the Keith Moon t shirts.
As far as I could tell, at this point there were two options. I could’ve bowed and taken the applause but I was too scared the rip would rip round the front and the whole thing would twang off into a palm tree.
So I went for the second option: a weak smile, followed by sudden sporadic running through some yucca and cacti, and a desperate, butt-holding leap into a pool.
I knew the Mickey Flanagan’s would love that. And they did.
I made it back to Diane via ten palm trees, three swimming pools, and a crazy river, all the while avoiding perverts with swimming goggles.
‘Seemed fun over by the kamikaze,’ she said. ‘Lots of laughter.’
‘Yes, it was my sweetie. Could you hand me my shorts, please, and can we go.’
‘Why? And what are you doing in those bushes?’
‘I will explain later.’
From that moment, you’ll be glad to know, my speedo and kamikaze days were over.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Brilliant! I love water parks and particularly slides but am acutely aware from bitter experience too that swimming attire of any type does not start and end in the same position (or in your case, in the same shape!). 😂
Very true, we need specialist kamikazi slide wear, maybe a business opportunity 🙂
If this was near Torrelominos I can identify with the “helpful gent” at the top of the slide but(t) it was more of a shorts round my neck scenario than your misfortune with the speedos !!
I also remember the first few feet when you don’t actually touch the slide it’s so vertical 😜
It might have been Torrelominos, those early Spanish holidays all blur into one. I think they have those ‘helpful gents’ all around the waterparks 🙂
On a holiday in Portugal, I was swimming in the hotel pool. I had on a strapless swimsuit and when, after swimming underwater, I stood up to push my hair back with both hands, my swimsuit pinged downwards to my waist revealing all……… I was young then. If it happened today …… the ends would still be in the swimsuit!
Haha Maureen, that’s funny. I’m sure it was spectacular then and now 🙂
Never ceases to fascinate me, the heights of bravery/depths of insanity that we seem willing to go through in order to impress mates or loved ones, nor the levels of embarassment that we seem to endure whenever we embark on these mad adventures without any thought or care. How long was it before Diane actually became aware of the “Source of amusement?”
If she’d have know what was going on, she would’ve been with the Micky Flanagan’s laughing 🙂
Omg. That was SO funny! I guffawed so loudly it just scared the cat and made it ‘skiddaddle’ it’s feet on the flooring, in a scared cartoon cat kinda way 😂
Glad you enjoyed it, Claire, the cat didn’t enjoy it quite as much 🙂
Absolutely hilarious Ian! Decades ago, when our son was very young, we went to that water park near Torremolinos. Daddy went down the huge slide (no ill effects), son went down the huge slide (Daddy there to make sure he was okay), cozzie up his bum which upset him. Then I went down the huge slide (no ill effects). Son told me how proud he was of me as the only Mummy to do it! (He’s now 41, not really sure how proud of me he is now.)
Glad you enjoyed it Lisa, and glad you managed to make your son proud of your at least once, that is a very difficult thing to do 🙂