11 Nov 22- Dog Walking Friends
I thought I’d give you an update on all the friends I’ve made during my last year of dog walking.
When I say friends I really mean people I bump into and occasionally try and avoid. So yes, just like my real friends.
Firstly there’s –
The Doctor
Spoiler alert – she isn’t a doctor. She works in B&Ms but she, and now me, know everything about her dog’s liver.
The Doctor: ‘He hasn’t been eating you know and the ulcerations make him shake until he vomits, and the chunks that come out of him… everywhere… you should’ve seen what I found down the back of my sofa…
‘ …and the diarrhea… I’m telling you, when you walk through my front door I don’t take my wellies off I put another heavy-duty pair on, knee deep, you could fill a bath. But that’s not the worst bit…’
‘You know what the worst bit is… ‘
Run, Ian, RUN.
‘I had to give up smoking. I had to <insert swearing> give up smoking to pay for his medication and I absolutely love smoking. He’s feeling better, I feel awful, can’t get out of bed without a fag so I’m vaping now…’
I don’t know what The Doctor actually looks like, but she can talk like this for the rest of the page if you want, but I’m going to save you that. Email me if you want to know what she found behind the telly a week last Tuesday.
We need to move on to –
The Romantics
These two are in their 60s and they go for a lovely walk with their dog most mornings, and every time I’ve seen them they’re always holding hands. And that’s lovely, isn’t it?
Well, it was until I saw them walking through the football field car park. They paused among the cars and gazed into each other’s eyes, lovingly as you would expect. And then they clamped faces and got cracking with a deep teenage snogging session. In the car park, in broad daylight, 60 years old.
I did this again.
They didn’t, they kept going. There were slurping noises.
I wanted to stop looking, I really really did. But a snogging tractor beam had locked onto my eyes. There might as well have been a velociraptor snogging Michael Flatley doing Riverdance in the car park.
Diane wasn’t actually there, but I knew what she’d be thinking. So I covered Norman’s eyes and hurried past. On the way through the slurping noises intensified and I think I got splashed a couple of times.
If there’s a trembling, shuddery ‘Please-make-me-unseen-this’ emoji, please insert it here.
On the subject of love, meet –
Mr Besotted
He’s got a new puppy.
Mr Besotted: ‘No, no, just look at him, just look. You should have seen him the other day. He ran around the kitchen and guess what? It was unbelievably cute. And down by the river yesterday, guess what he did?’
Me: ‘Something unbelievably cute?’
Mr Besotted can keep this conversation up for as long as The Doctor can talk about diarrhea.
The Shamer
I was walking down the steps from the rugby club into the woods and there she was.
Me: Yeah, bit windy up there today (or some other dog-walking comment).
The Shamer: I won’t be taking my dogs up there, it’s not right to let them poo on the rugby field.
Me: I agree, I didn’t let …
The Shamer: It’s terrible, children use those pitches as well. Poor little children.
Me: We stuck to the path at the side…
The Shamer: Those unfortunate people having to play rugby in all that poo all over the pitches, it’s shameful.
Real Me: Sorry.
Brave and Confrontational Me: Yeah, Norman made it look so good I did one under the goalposts myself.
She wasn’t listening but hopefully you will. There’s a path at the side about the width of a rugby pitch, we stick to that as the sign says.
Oh god, here she is again.
The Shamer: There’s usually sheep in there and it’s terrible when people let their dogs run wild and scare them.
Me: There wasn’t any…
The Shamer: They’ve probably all got lambs and if they eat dog poo they will die.
Me: I know and that’s why…
The Shamer: Those poor sheep, people should be more careful and understand the consequences of what they’re doing. Shameful.
Real Me: Sorry
Brave and Confrontational Me: Didn’t you know sheep are just fluffy clouds and Norman chased them off into the sky.
Disclaimer: It’s a public footpath through the field, there were no sheep or I wouldn’t have gone in, and I always scoop the poop.
Me: Yes, I tied Norman up and I ran around biting all the kids.
I’m sick of her.
Man in the window
I used to work with a bloke called Robert and I regularly see him on my morning walk silhouetted in his window across the street.
Every time I give him I wave and he waves back. He was a bit reluctant to begin with and I thought he didn’t recognise me, how rude, but he got into it and now we’re wavy buddies. I saw Robert on the street the other day and he told me he lives at 41 not 43. Ah well, I’ve made a new friend.
There are a few other friends, but I will leave Sweary Mary, The-woman-with-no-internal-voice and the Traffic Controller until another time.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
I actually can’t wait to hear about Sweary Mary and all the others! Please update your blog more often, it’s the highlight of my week! 🙂
Thanks Liz, glad you enjoyed those lot, I will let you know about Sweary Mary, she’s not very nice 🙂
Absolutely hilarious ?
Thanks Sharon 🙂
Fantastis sketch for today Ian. If you put that on a T-Shirt I would buy one or three for a few of the Heroes I know! Great blog as always.
Thanks Gareth, glad you liked the sketch. Maybe I could put the sketch on a tee for the Poppy Appeal. Have a good weekend 🙂
I’m laughing at this while I wait patiently in the carpark of Wickes while my husband (the lovely Eric) is inside looking for “valves”!! We are one of those over 60 couples who hold hands on walks (ahhh) but definitely no carpark snogging when he finally emerges (could be a long wait). Keep ’em coming.
Please continue to hold hands with the lovely Eric, just give me a warning when the car park snogging starts 🙂
Love these updates, laughed out loud at the thought of you *going* under the goal posts with Norman. Very much looking forward to hearing about Sweary Mary!
Thanks Julie, couldn’t possibly ‘go’ under the goal posts with The Shamer around 🙂
Love your blogs, can’t wait for the Sweary Mary story ?
Thanks Linda, there’ll be more than real words with Sweary Mary. Have a good weekend 🙂
I empathise: bus back frae Bonfest tae the hotel in Dundee and Auld Folk in front of us were snogging their faces aff. Could hear the slurping even wi my ringing ears, even Ali was making faces and she is a tad more tolerant than me. Was like 16 Years in Hell, but we couldnae make a Jailbreak. Fortunately the room they did get wis naewhere near oors…Still gies me the boak.
Haha Sam, you don’t want the room next door to those two, that’s for sure. I reckon after a few liveners Bon would’ve snogged whoever he wanted, wherever he wanted 🙂
As they say (although who exactly “they” are I don’t know, as a) I don’t own a dog (we’re owned by a gang of semi-feral cats) and b) as a result of a, I’ve never really met or had any kind of in-depth conversations anybody walking their dogs) “All human life is there”
Yes, I think most of them were human, I will double-check tomorrow morning 🙂
Having had Springer Spaniels when I was a bit younger I sympathise, empathise and laughed out loud for a very long time today, I thought at one stage my wife was going to wheel me outside and leave me there until I quietened down!!!!
Haha, glad you enjoyed it David. Don’t go outside though, especially near car parks, too dangerous 🙂
Thanks, another funny email to brighten a dull day today! Is it just me or does Mr Besotted look like Kenny Everett? ?♀️?
Haha, bet Kenny never loved a dog as much as Mr Besotted 🙂
Soo wot was found at back off telly a week last thur or was it Tue, can’t be bothered to scroll back, life’s too short and it’s late. Great update your life’s so interesting ?
Haha, scrolling is tough at 11 o’clock at night 🙂
Hi Ian, don’t have a dog( I know !!!) but do go walking . Have met most of these – except the romantics thankfully. Would love to hear about the other people, sweary Mary particularly , she would only need repetitive special characters.
Is there not “my dog only wants to play?”
It’s clearly a love puppy from The Hound of the Baskervilles and Jaws ??
Loving my Friday squiggles – keep them coming
Steer clear of romantics in car parks that’s the main advice from this weeks post. I’m going to have to get more special characters for Sweary Mary 🙂
Hi Ian. I went for a walk thus morning with a little 3 1/2 month old toy poodle pup. She is owned by a friend if my wife. I was dog sitting whilst she and my wife went on a Park Run (dogs not allowed!). So we went to the beach wheee we met lots of other Saturday morning dog walkers and their dogs. I think I may have met the Torbay equivalent of some of your friends, especially Mr Isn’t She Cute, and possibly Sweary Mary if she has sweary husband and sweary kids?????? Such fun!
Sounds like you had fun on the beach, Mike. I think there are a lot of Sweary Marys out there. Bet the best bit was when you gave the puppy back 🙂
It’s like reading a chapter of my life! Headphones are the way forward & a permanent “I’m lost in music” expression. It doesn’t stop Elvis, the labradoodle not the king but he’s not picky about whose bum he sniffs. Off to look at t shirts now before the Christmas rush!
Yes, I think headphones may be the way to go. Bum sniffing is a full-time occupation, not for me, for Norman, just to be clear 🙂
Hi and thanks for once again for the smile you bring to my face every time i read your blog i wanna know about sweary Mary i think im gonna like her keep up the good work
Thanks Chris, glad you enjoyed it. You’ll like Sweary Mary (maybe), but I’m going to have to make up some more *&~@$£ special characters to cope 🙂