13 Jan 23 – Prince Harry
Inspired by Prince Harry, I have decided to slag my family off in public for money.
Look, he’s got a book to sell and 15 million pounds to make, I have T-shirts to sell and a £250 a month electricity bill. And the similarities between me and Harold don’t end there.
I have an older brother, so I’m the Spare. I was attacked by my brother just like Harry. Look.
A couple of things to note: my brother’s arm isn’t that long (I just couldn’t be bothered to draw him, sorry bro, but you have just punched me in the face) and I wasn’t that overjoyed once the knuckle hit my eye.
It wasn’t in Nottingham Cottage, it happened at a football match. It was a very important game and I remember it was very close, I think it was 2-2 and into the last minute. I admit it was a tense situation. My team scored with seconds to go and as I was starting my celebration, the punch came in.
Here’s the winning goal
‘Get in. Pick that out of the back of the net you….’ was as far as I got.
And the similarities keep coming.
My wife is called Diane, it’s not the same name and she’s not my mother, but she did have her hair shorter in the 90s and she occasionally tilts her head and looks left.
I have no racism to report, thankfully, but the religionism was crippling.
I was catholic and Diane was protestant and in order to get married in the local catholic church (to make me mam happy), we had to go through a series of interviews and tests with the priest to ascertain whether Diane would be allowed in the church without a lightning strike.
Three days before the wedding, we were called in for our final assessment and the summing up by the priest. He didn’t sugarcoat it.
Oh dear… what would Harry and Meghan do? Yes, that’s it, the results had obviously been tampered with, so we had a right strop and move into a 10 million pound mansion in California.
Again, that last sentence, I need to expose as deliberate miss information planted by someone in my family (I’m not sure who, but it might’ve been me).
The priest did allow us to get married, even after the failed assessment, but the wedding day was riddled with photographers, in your face all day, taking photos wherever we went. It was terrible behaviour but a nice album in the end.
Harry said the Royal Family motto was “Never complain, never explain” ours is very similar ‘Always complain, never explain.’
As for me mam, she’s always leaking private information about me to Caroline and Mavis in the Butterflies cafe.
No I did not. You see what I mean. I know what Harry’s been through.
And the media were at their lying best when I had my name in the local newspaper about 30 odd years ago.
A few important points to note here:
- There were no toilets open at 1.00am
- I was behind Woolies
- The urine didn’t flow freely over the pavement.
- And it was one line on page 23
You’re right Harry, it’s toxic in this country. Let me know your Californian address, we’ll be no bother in bedroom number 10 and we don’t need champagne every day.
Another childish but important point to note: Harry is 6 feet 1 inch, I’m 6 feet 1.5 inches, I’ve reflected that in the drawing. Small victories.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Always enjoy your weekly newsletter. It raises a smile if not a col (chortle out load).
…loud.
🙂 I read that as loud anyway 🙂
This is hilarious! So many similarities I think you must be in line for the throne!
I think you’re right, don’t tell William or he’ll batter me 🙂
Brilliant Ian,,, I’m beginning to feel sorry for Harry after what you went through,, Thank god you didn’t have the Todger troubles like Harry!!!! Keep up the good work,, I can see a Knighthood in the next honours list,,,
Dave.
Thanks Dave. It’s very difficult being the Spare, worse in my case without the £15 million 🙂
Thanks Jill, glad you enjoyed it and it made you col 🙂
Hahahaha that brightened up my morning
Thank u
Thanks Shaz, glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend 🙂
Very, very funny. But I’m a little disappointed you didn’t mention the very excellent best man speech at your wedding….
It was too funny to mention, didn’t want people laughing at that instead 🙂
Hilarious , you should be a stand up comic Ian but maybe you are and do that along your T-shirt and prints business ??
Thanks Brian, no definitely not a stand up comic, sounds scary 🙂 Glad it made you laugh though. Have a good weekend.
Brilliant, so many similarities !!!!!
I know, we’re leading parallel lives, spooky 🙂
You are a genius! I love these little gems. Xx
Thanks again Maureen 🙂
Hilarious! It puts his whinging into perspective!
Glad you enjoyed it, Sue. Have a great weekend 🙂
Wow! You’ve just made my day! Couldn’t stop laughing, thank you! Think I’d rather stay at your house than theirs ? ps. Beat you on the power bills, mine was £300 last month ? xx
Haha, thanks Judy, glad you enjoyed it. Can’t guarantee champagne every day here either. Well done with the £300 power bills, I thought ours couldn’t be beaten with my daughter’s daily 20 minute showers 🙂
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Glad you enjoyed it, Marise 🙂
Hilarious and so true! Look forward to Fridays and your emails dropping into my inbox
Thanks Lindy, glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend 🙂
Always look forward to my Friday email. Have a great weekend (if your not being interviewed by Oprah!)
Still waiting for the Oprah call 🙂 Have a great weekend yourself.
I wish your thoroughly entertaining newsletters were sent daily (like Jill, they also make me ‘COL’ a lot) but I understand that the life of a ‘spare’ is a busy and complicated one. Payday is coming up and I feel the urge to give you money again. In exchange for goods, of course . I just need to decide what my next purchase will be – I want, nay NEED, them all. I may have to resort to eeny meeny miney mo.
Thanks Jules, glad they make you col 🙂 You’re right life as a spare is complicated and busy, me and Harry, and our exactly the same lives, have got a lot put up with 🙂 Have a great weekend
love love it
Thanks Sandra, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
brilliant, another great Friday notes. I always look forward to reading them, even working shifts.
It does Brighton up a long night shift .
Thanks Colin, glad it helps with the long shifts 🙂
You are a genius! I love these little gems. Xx
Thanks Maureen, really glad you like them. Have a great weekend 🙂
Absolutely brilliant!!!! Laughed out loud on bus coming home from work!!! Got a few funny looks but hey ho…..you brightened up my day and gave them something to talk about!! ?????x
Thanks Janey, hope it wasn’t too embarrassing on the bus. Have a great weekend 🙂
After the week (and more!) of Harry’s whinging, that was brilliant! So much fun to read – thank you!
Thanks Sandi, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, maybe Harry should settle down a bit now, he’s complaining more than I do 🙂
I look forward to reading your musings every week without fail and I am not disappointed- thank-you.
Please make a book of them and I am sure it will sell more!!! Xx
Thanks Debra, glad you enjoyed it, I’m flattered you think it would make a good book. Thank you:)
Who knew there were so many similarities between you & PH ? Very funny, have a great weekend
It’s almost the same life we’re leading 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend yourself
Had a right good laugh at that one. ??
Thanks Mike, glad it made you laugh 🙂
Excellent! Made GOL (giggle out loud). I love the drawing of you both with Haz and Megs
Thanks for GOLing Julie, maybe I’ll send that sketch to Haz for his mantelpiece 🙂
Love it, the similarities are uncanny. The Prince and the Pauper springs to mind
Niall
Haha, you’re right Niall, we’re exactly the same minus the 15 million 🙂
Great fun, love your weekly newsletters. I must take issue with your drawings of Harry though, he hasn’t smiled in public since at least 2015! Have a great weekend.
Thanks Julie, glad you enjoyed it. You’re right about Harry, I liked the smiley one better
That made me giggle. A great post! I can think of plenty of one word alternative titles for PH’s book.
Thanks Jan, glad it made you giggle. I can imagine the alternatives 🙂
Just made me laugh out loud in an office full of stiffs…..funny!!!
Glad it made you laugh out loud, hope it’s more fun in the office next week 🙂
Your Dad is James Hewitt by any chance? I hear he did get around a bit and that would explain all the coincidences!
Great story as alway Ian.
Haha Roger, my hair is grey now but it was never ginger, so I’m denying everything. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Love it. Gosh the similarities are astounding!
Thanks Zoe, you’re right, I must be third in line for the throne 🙂
Hysterical and right on the mark as usual, absolutely brilliant; our local pub has just changed the name of its own brand beer to “Harry’s Bitter” apparently which I thought was very funny too! Not that I’ve been in a pub since you could get half a pint and 10 No.6 for 26p!! Have a great week Ian, hope to see a tribute to Jeff Beck soon.
Thanks David, glad you enjoyed it. Love the Harry’s Bitter. I’ve given up drink for Jan, but I really do fancy one. Have a great weekend yourself 🙂
Is Jan really worth giving up drinking for, and does Diane know her?
Even the comments on your weekly posts are amusing. Keep filling my inbox with laughter please. Nothing wrong with a good ‘col’!
Haha Nick, good point, not sure Jan is worth it, think I’ll go and have a beer with Diane instead. Glad you’re enjoying the posts, col 🙂
Absolutely hilarious. I couldn’t read it it to my wife for crying with laughter so much! Brilliant. Love your updates.
Thanks Michael, glad you enjoyed it. Hope your wife didn’t think you’d lost it 🙂 Have a great weekend.
Amazing how similar a life you lead to the “Ginger Whinger”. As regards “The Grand Inquisition” I had to attend similar before I was allowed to get married, but as far as I remember, ours was only one evening, but the big concern was how long would the course be, there was a Champiions League Match being played the same night, and we had to make sure we were home in time to catch it (seem to remember we did, or at least only missed maybe 10 minutes at the most) That aside, we were “Cleared” as Acceptable, and deemed worthy of marriage (or to be more precise, I was, as ours was the opposite situation to you & Diane.
You can’t possibly think of “Doing a Led Zeppelin” (Going to California), we need you here, Your wit & humour would be lost on the inhabitants, you’d lose all the local TV References from here (still don’t think they’ve seen the Genuine Royle Family) and worse of the lot, Norman would have to be quarantined.
Finally, how do you think you’d cope being mistaken for Harry all the time? Just imagine all those endless Chat Show Appearrances “Oprah, have you any idea what It’s like having to print all theses different designs all the time, all these calls on your talent?”
Glad you made it through ‘The Grand Inquisition’ in time for the game, sounds like a tense night out. Don’t worry I would never leave the drizzle of Cumbria for all that Californian sunshine, who needs that, and you’re right they wouldn’t know what I was on about. Still waiting for the Oprah call, must’ve been one of those ‘where there’s blame there’s a claim’ ones I didn’t answer. Have a great weekend.
This is truly hilarious & set me up for the day! Keep them coming! ??
Glad you enjoyed it Pam, enjoy your day 🙂
Just brilliant!
Thanks Ruth 🙂
Very funny and there was me thinking no one had any empathy for him 🙂 🙂
Thanks Nina. Leading such a similar life, I truly empathize with his troubles 🙂
Nice article. Nice mix of satire and self deprecating humour.
Thanks Simon, glad you enjoyed it. Enjoy the rest of your weekend 🙂