12 Aug 22 – Ichthyophobia
I’m not sure you know this, but Diane is ichthyophobic.
This is an infliction that affects all aspects of her life: holidays, friends, Chinese restaurants, David Attenborough, Tescos – it’s serious.
It all started on a lilo in the Mediterranean when she was 8 years old. She was bobbing about enjoying the sunshine, a bit like this
Little did she know beneath the surface of the ocean, right then, lay the cause of her lifelong infliction.
One happy jump out of the water to see what air felt like, an unfortunate landing on an unsuspecting human stomach, a bit of flopping around on the aforementioned unsuspecting human stomach, and a plop back in the water. That’s all it took.
Diane never recovered and from that moment on she’s been scared of fish.
Aquariums are out, The Blue Planet is a horror show, the fish stall at Tesco is terrifying and she can spot a fish tank at a Chinese restaurant before we get out of the car.
She’s a good swimmer as long as there’s chlorine and verrucas, but, after the lilo incident, she’s only been in the sea about twice in her life, both times required a bottle of prosecco to aid buoyancy. I have generously tried to cure her affliction with exposure therapy many times, look Diane
But nothing’s worked so far.
As part of the therapy, I persuaded her to come out on a pedalo once, and, instead, I discover she was the sister of the Messiah. Halfway round she slipped and fell in (maybe it was two bottles of prosecco that time.) She disappeared over the side. A millisecond later…
She bounced back onto the pedalo. Jesus can walk on water, Diane can bounce. The fish didn’t have time to do what evil things fish do.
The second time, she actually came into the water with me. We were trying to swim out to a raft about 50 feet out.
She insisted I was on the seaward side of her at all times, just in case there were any sharks. Let me repeat that ‘just in case there were any sharks.’ She was using me as bait, and while the shark tossed my chewed body in the air, she could then be making for the shore.
We never made it to the raft.
Friends tip: If you’re sick of her coming round your house, get down to massivefishtanks.co.uk and bung one in the window with a couple of wind-ups floating around. You’ll never see her again.
Having said all this, of all the trillions of nasty, disgusting fish in the sea, there is one that’s tolerable. Just one. In fact, at one point I’m sure I heard her say the word cute. Here is the only fish she can look at without pulling a face like she’s just been stabbed in the back.
Thanks Nemo, if only there were 3 trillion of you instead of the others.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
You need to write a book!
I look forward to and love reading your emails.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks Sarah, I’m glad you like them. I’ll get started on my ‘Why Fish are Evil’ book 🙂 Have a great weekend.
I always look forward to your weekly emails – I always end up laughing out loud. You like Rush too so obviously have great taste in music as well ?
Thanks Paul, glad you like them and yes I’m a big Rush fan, seen them many times. Have a great weekend 🙂
Ian, love your posts and always have me chuckling.
Many comments on my Banana Splits tee, seems everyone had a fave and knew the song – Bingo was mine and instilled a life long love of cheeky monkeys .
Thanks Elaine, glad the Banana Splits tee is going down well. Used to love Sat morning telly 🙂
Just placed an order with http://www.massivefishtanks.co.uk. Not, I stress to repel your lovely wife (who has an equally lovely smile by the way). I just needed a massive fish tank.
Thanks so much for your emails. They make my Fridays tolerable.
Take good care of yourselves (and Norman).
Martyn.
Hi Martyn, glad I could be of service with the massive fish tank. You’re only allowed to fill it up with Nemos 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend (Norman’s too hot to be bad today)
Thank you for your entertaining mails, they really make me smile.
Thanks Lisa, glad you like them 🙂
I suppose Marillion pre 1988 are a no-go area!
We have Fish https://skwiggles.co.uk/shop/products/all-skwiggles/fish-marillion/
Always brightens up my Fridays, thanks Ian….(and Diane obviously) ???
Thanks Shaun, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Great designs and fast delivery. Thoroughly recommend and will shop again
Thanks Dean, have a great weekend 🙂
????
Thanks Cath, have a good weekend 🙂
Hi,
I signed up for your newsletter, but haven’t to my knowledge received anything regarding a discount?
Thanks
Phil
Hi Phil, sorry about that, if you send me an email with the order number I’ll look into it ian@skwiggles.co.uk Thanks 🙂
Oh my days! Love your stories. Just what I needed to cheer me up on this blistering Friday!
Thanks Penny, glad you enjoyed it. Hope you find some fish-free water to cool off in 🙂
As funny as ever Ian.
Keep ’em coming.
Thanks David, have a great weekend 🙂
My daughter has duck o phobia. She was bitten ( billed?) by a duck on the top lip as a toddler at Lightwater Valley. She was munching on a sandwich next to the pond. A ravenous duck with a limp attached itself to her face, a bit like a feathered Alien, after eating the dry crust still poking out of her mouth. Armed with nothing more than a tepid thermos flask, I bravely drove the creature away back to the watery abyss from whence it came. If my daughter (now 28 years old ) sees any species of duck she is in a total panic and would win a gold medal in any 20 yard sprint.
Haha Gary, a terrifying but funny story (if you’re not your daughter) and you were very brave to tackle it with the flask. Diane sends her commiserations, she is also pretty fast running away from water 🙂 Have a great weekend
Omg, this is hilarious, I have chuckled away to myself. I have never known this fact about my lovely friend. I will cover our fish tank up in future ???
She will never come round to your house again, far too scary 🙂
Omg laughed so much! (Sorry Diane)
Glad you enjoyed it, Lisa. Diane pulled the ‘being stabbed in the back’ face when she saw that last fish 🙂
My husband loves the sea – however, if brave enough to snorkle on his own I can count the seconds until he is a doing an impression of a Mississippi paddle boat ploughing a trough through the sand back to our towels “I thought I saw a shark – well – it was a big shadow”! Great fertile imagination though! Maybe I need to commission a t-shirt?!! Happy Friday!!
Haha Sian, it’s dangerous on the high seas, do you want me to swim on the seaward side of him 🙂 Happy Friday to you too!
I empathise with Diane, although I’m ok with fish, not water!! – hydrophobic, possibly – due to a traumatic encounter under the sea in my younger years. I just don’t ‘do water’ of the non-imbibing kind if there is any chance of it covering my face. I was even scared of getting under showers until quite recently!!!
I am married to a qualified scuba diver – marriage of opposites springs to mind!
Poor you Martina, but that’s hilarious that you’re married to a scuba diver 🙂
Thanks Ian – I hate to laugh at your good lady’s expense but that was really funny.
Thanks Chris, don’t worry she’ll forgive you, maybe not me though for writing it. Enjoy your weekend 🙂
If your dog was my dog he’d be Norman Norman… I miss my dog … but he wasn’t called Norman… ?
It’s a cool name Norman Norman 🙂
Another Friday chuckle, thanks again! I’m off to Montreux soon to see Freddie’s statue and will be wearing my Freddie tshirt- where do I send the photo? ?
Wow, lucky you, definitely send a photo ian@skwiggles.co.uk Enjoy your trip 🙂
I had a pain with laughing at this! What a wonderful way you have with words and your art is brilliant.
Thanks Anne, glad you enjoyed it and sorry it was painful 🙂 Have a great weekend x
Briia t story guys l love your little stories
Thanks Denise, glad you like them 🙂
I don’t understand why you’re not including new product designs in the weekly newsletters, Ian. Your witty updates are ok but part of the enjoyment for me has always been to see the fruits of your creative imagination. And to see whether you’ve come up with a t-shirt I’d buy.
Hi Tony, the new products are on the email if you scroll down passed the Read More button. Sorry if that’s misleading. The Read More button is just for the write-up and takes you to our website. Hope that explains it 🙂 Maybe I need to make that clearer
I’m totally with Diane! Fish are scary monsters. My other half loves the sea but I still think he might be wrong and that you could actually tread on a fish while wading out there… Best not to risk it I say! Thanks for another classic anecdote, I love these Friday treats!
Poor you Frankie but Diane is glad to have another member of the ichthyphobia gang (if this is going to be a real gang you need a more pronounceable name) Stay away from the scary monsters 🙂
That was a fab story…?
Can I just say, I bought the John Cooper Clarke t-shirt for my little brother a few weeks ago and in the 3 times I’ve seen him since, he’s been wearing it…he said he’s had so many comments, or people surreptitiously reading it ?and just walking off smiling ?…Thank You!!!
Thanks Jan, and thanks for letting me know about JCC t-shirt, really glad he likes it. Sounds like it’s making everyone swear in their heads 🙂
??? definitely ?
Brilliant. I look forward to these mails every week, they always make me laugh.
Your merch is top quality too!
Thanks Ali, glad you like them and the merch. Have a great weekend 🙂
I love these emails ? And the illustrations are brilliant!
Thanks Jenny, glad you like them. Have a great weekend 🙂
Just love these little stories, you should do a book. The drawings are great. Happy Weekend♥️
Thanks Jayne, really glad you like them. Happy Weekend to you too 🙂
Love your illustrations, love the stories – we need to get you out to a wider audience
Thanks Kevan, glad you like them and yes a wider audience would be great 🙂 Have a great weekend
You definitely need a daily column, or summat similar…your wit needs to be out there! Gormless fish caption ‘rude’ made me snigger the most!
Thanks Mandi, I really appreciate your enthusiasm and glad you like the gormless fish 🙂 Diane was terrified by the gormless fish (not surprisingly), so we won’t be putting that photo above the mantlepiece. Have a great weekend
THANK YOU for making me smile!
Thanks Sarah, glad it made you smile 🙂