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15 July 22 – Town Characters

Hi Everyone,

In the town where I grew up there were a lot of unusual characters, like this one.

The man who tipped Lucozade down drains.

This was in the days when Lucozade could only be found in your Granny’s cupboard. Granny always adhered to strict Lucazade storage instructions:

  • Loosen top to completely de-fizz and age for three years at room temperature before drinking. 

If you had the slightest runny nose, just the tiniest hint of snot deep within your nostril, you were getting some.

It was medicine, and then it became cool and made you run loads.

But what you didn’t know, and the Lucazade Guy did, was how great it was at clearing away those fatbergs clogging up the city drains.

Don’t take this as scientific truth because I don’t think the Lucozade Guy had had any papers published or reviewed by the Journal of Analytical and Biological Drainology. 

There was another bloke who used to drive around town in a smashed-up jag. It had no door and as he drove past, you could see he only had one leg and was accelerating with a walking stick.

And The Whistling Man, he was brilliant. He didn’t care about recognisable melody or being remotely in tune, all he cared about was incredible volume. I failed my French ‘O’ level because of him (always good to have des excuses, mon stylo, n’est egg). I always sat near the window and The Whistling Man came by about 11.

He marched with his hands behind his back, head in the air and he didn’t give two flying doodahs who was listening or that 200 horrible children were laughing at him through the school windows. I respected that.

He whistled, and if you didn’t like it you could go and

Joe McGillighan was a man we all avoided. The problem with Joe was that he looked exactly like that bloke from the ‘Charlie Says’ information films who lurked around the park and asked children if they wanted to see puppies.

So we all put two and two together, which we couldn’t do in Maths, and Joe became the town paedophile whether he liked it or not, which I’m thinking he didn’t.

We had one homeless person, who was very nice until he started drinking petrol and throwing it into pubs. 

Steroids were very cool back then and there were a lot of characters in the town with thick necks. Me and a friend went to the local gym with our thin necks and as we walked through the door we were actually laughed at by the two beefcakes behind the counter.

Customer service wasn’t invented yet. And look:

My neck hasn’t got any thicker.

There was the poor 18-year-old innocent guy who got falsely arrested for weeing behind Woolies because he was busting and there were no toilets open in town at 1 in the morning. Despite what the newspaper said, there was no urine ‘flowing freely across the pavement.’ He was in a back lane and the policeman was in a bad mood.

Curby only walked on the curb, surprisingly enough, and Little Brian pointed at people outside Timpson. There was a man who played the accordion just down from Rumbelows, he had a tin to put money in, everyone loved him until it was discovered he owned a mansion in Scotland.

Just been on eBay. If you see me round your way pop a tenner in, those mansions don’t buy themselves.

Have a great weekend. 

Take care and all the best,

Ian

15 July 22 – Town Characters

53 thoughts on “15 July 22 – Town Characters

  • July 15, 2022 at 10:32 am
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    It’s great to hear about our childhood characters, sadly they are getting fewer and fewer. Great read, as ever. Keep them coming x

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    • July 15, 2022 at 10:46 am
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      Thanks Carol x

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  • July 15, 2022 at 10:34 am
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    I love getting these every week. They don’t half make me laugh!
    Keep ‘em coming
    Thank you

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    • July 15, 2022 at 10:48 am
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      Thanks Tracy, glad you enjoyed it x

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      • July 15, 2022 at 11:01 pm
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        A highlight of the week seeing your email in my inbox. Love them

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        • July 16, 2022 at 11:18 am
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          Thanks Andy, really glad you like the emails. I’ll keep going 🙂

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      • July 17, 2022 at 4:38 pm
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        You sure you weren’t brought/dragged up in Chester ??? I remember all of them ,,,,

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        • July 19, 2022 at 5:45 pm
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          Haha, no definitely not Chester, maybe they moved around, maybe there’s an odd character for hire business we don’t know about

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  • July 15, 2022 at 10:52 am
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    Cheers for another great little read, always makes me smile. Great to see the world from a dogs point of view as well. Thanks

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    • July 15, 2022 at 12:02 pm
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      Thanks Steve, glad you enjoyed it. I’m trying to see life from Norman’s point of view – I think it’s just food, being annoying, and sleeping, so I can relate to that 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:17 am
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    Brilliant stuff , made me remember our neighbours. Really nice one side , old misery the other who’d pop your ball if it went in his garden .
    Hi to Norman, we think he’s great .

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:57 am
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      Thanks Kevin, there was always a misery guts around back then. Norman says Hi. Have a good weekend.

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    • July 15, 2022 at 12:26 pm
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      Made me laugh out loud – again!
      Love Friday morning x

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      • July 15, 2022 at 1:13 pm
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        Glad you enjoyed it Lynn x

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:20 am
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    Great characters are getting fewer. One of the more well known round here was “Welly-bob JIm”. Anyone of a certain age from the Halifax area will remember him. I recently worked in what had been his house. My one and only claim to fame.
    No prizes for guessing what Jim’s “choice” of footwear was.

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:52 am
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      I’m going to take a wild guess – was it trainers?? Was never good at guessing games.

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:21 am
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    I always look forward to my Friday lunchtime read and giggle. You are a fantastic writer.
    Kate

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:49 am
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      Thanks Kate, that’s nice of you to say x

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:30 am
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    I love your stories..they really make me chuckle 😂 always look forward to them..keep up the great work x

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:49 am
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      Thanks Jann 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:43 am
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    Look forward to these emails every week-always make me smile 😄

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:47 am
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      Thanks Ruth 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 11:45 am
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    Brilliant 😁… am now thinking through all the characters I’ve known in my life.. there are more than I remembered. Stay out of the sun and have a great weekend 🌞

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    • July 15, 2022 at 11:48 am
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      Thanks Lynn, raining in Cumbria (shocking news)

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      • July 15, 2022 at 5:40 pm
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        Rain? You lucky, lucky ………….
        🙂

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        • July 16, 2022 at 11:16 am
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          Not raining today 🙁

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  • July 15, 2022 at 12:10 pm
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    Another great story Ian – I hope it’s all true..?! 😉😊 Your stories make me chuckle 🤭

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    • July 15, 2022 at 1:16 pm
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      Always true Rachel, sometimes I may exaggerate a tiny little bit, but not this time:)

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  • July 15, 2022 at 12:28 pm
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    We had “10p for a cup ‘o tea ana slice of cake pleeeease” -man, around the same time.

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    • July 15, 2022 at 1:13 pm
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      10p, absolute bargain 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 1:44 pm
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    We had “local characters” like that in the town I grew up in. I’ve lived in the city for many years now and there are loads of bonkers folk around so it just becomes the norm!! I’m still giggling over the “Little Brian pointed at people outside Timpson” and “just down from Rumbelows” comments. 😀

    Ah, Rumbelows…those were the days. Throw in some Etam, Tandy and Fads for some serious retail nostalgia 🙂

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    • July 16, 2022 at 11:11 am
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      We used to rent our telly from Rumbelows, it was always breaking down, and we always got upgraded, happy days 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 2:53 pm
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    I love reading your stories, so comical. The one about the people in your street reminded me of my husband, he always seems to know who and what’s going on, I’m sure he makes it up. He swears he’s not being nosy whereas I don’t notice anything, in fact I wouldn’t even recognise the people who live opposite even though we’ve lived here for nearly 10 years!
    Keep them coming please 😂

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    • July 16, 2022 at 11:12 am
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      Your husband sounds a bit nosy, like me 🙂

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  • July 15, 2022 at 3:57 pm
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    Great story’s, our lives are full of rich characters, as long as we bother to look!

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    • July 16, 2022 at 11:15 am
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      Thanks Guiliana, glad you enjoyed it. I agree, everyone’s got their own little quirks

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  • July 15, 2022 at 9:12 pm
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    Love this almost as much as I love Lucozade!!!
    First time I’ve seen the read more button and a space to comment, I always enjoy the Friday emails 😊

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    • July 16, 2022 at 11:17 am
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      Bet your drains are nice and clean 🙂 Glad you like the emails x

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  • July 16, 2022 at 10:49 am
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    I love getting these stories every week, and love reading them. Keep up the great work 👍

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    • July 16, 2022 at 11:20 am
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      Thanks Graham, glad you like them. All the best 🙂

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  • July 16, 2022 at 11:19 am
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    I couldn’t answer last week as we were on our hols too but in France, so I couldn’t down load the survey but please don’t stop – look forward to your adventures every Friday.

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  • July 16, 2022 at 12:14 pm
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    Laugh out loud every week. We’re in Scotland but I recognise those characters from the village where I worked as a teen. Oh to see Big Dog Guy and Duck Egg Davy again! Keep doing what you do …. 😊

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    • July 16, 2022 at 4:59 pm
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      Thanks Lesley, Duck Egg Davy sounds like quite a useful character, was he free range 🙂

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  • July 16, 2022 at 1:49 pm
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    I love your stories. Always have a laugh and look forward to reading them. (I enjoy the squiggles as well)

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    • July 16, 2022 at 4:56 pm
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      Thanks Shelagh, glad you like them 🙂

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  • July 16, 2022 at 2:19 pm
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    These emails always make me giggle, we had a guy in my town whose favourite pastime was to walk up to random people and announce “they don’t know,do they?” Which always added a level of intrigue to a shopping trip

    Looking forward to next email and my next t-shirt

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    • July 16, 2022 at 4:55 pm
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      Thanks Sarah, I like that guy, just making things interesting for people 🙂

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  • July 16, 2022 at 10:35 pm
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    Brilliant, as always! I’m sure we all grew up with dodgy characters in our local areas..love your amazing descriptions. Thank you for a good giggle every week!🤣😂👍

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    • July 17, 2022 at 3:42 pm
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      Thanks Esta, glad you enjoyed it 🙂

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  • July 17, 2022 at 9:16 am
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    Love these and I can certainly relate to them. We had loads of ‘different’ types in our town as I was growing up and your tales remind me so much of that. Keep them coming, in the words of Cherish Finder ‘love, love it, love it!’

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    • July 17, 2022 at 3:41 pm
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      Thanks Jo, the world would be boring without those unusual characters

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  • July 19, 2022 at 8:19 am
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    Loving the newsletters, a little bit of jollity in a pretty miserable world! Keep them coming!

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    • July 19, 2022 at 5:47 pm
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      Thanks Pam, glad you like them, I like the word ‘jollity’ as well 🙂

      Reply

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