I have a confession to make, I think I have superpowers. I’ve suspected for a while, especially with this first one.

You see, like Electro, I can control electricity.

I’ve demonstrated this to everyone else in our house and they are amazed. Here’s what I can do. I go into a room where a light has been left on, stare at the light bulb and I concentrate really hard. Then I turn swiftly around, perform a simple but specific hand gesture, and leave the room.

The light goes out. Not sure about your house, but only I have this incredible power in ours.

The second power is the control of time. Like Dr. Strange, I can slow it down.

To create this temporal deceleration, all I need is a telly and an episode of Celebrity Masterchef with Gregg Wallace. 

I haven’t tried this, but if I were to watch all 18 series back to back I think I would become immortal.

I also have the power of atmokinesis, so I have full control of the weather. It’s really easy if you follow this exact procedure. Go into the garden, look into the blue cloudless sky and say ‘Lovely drying day’ while pegging your undies onto the line. Then race into the house before you get soaked.

Sorry to everyone for July, left the undies out all month.

Moving on. I can obviously talk to animals.

I have the power of invisibility, but haven’t quite mastered it just yet, although the other day at the bar in Wetherspoons it worked well.

The final power is reading minds like Professor X.

I’ve only practiced this skill on my daughter so far. It’s more sensing emotions than actually direct thoughts. As soon as I open my mouth and start talking to her, our minds lock together and I get a strong sense, in fact an overwhelming feeling, of complete and utter boredom, and that’s a full minute before she starts yawning.

So I’ve got a few things to work on before I become the world’s greatest superhero, but you’re right this email was just a reason to draw myself in a superhero costume a couple of times.

18 August 2023 – Superpowers

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