Running Away from Home
Thought I’d tell you about the time I ran away from home to live in a graveyard.
I was about 6 and, yes, it took me a long time to grow into that head. I ran with my massive head across the street as fast as I could.
‘You’ll never see me again,’ I shouted at me mam in the doorway.
She didn’t mean that and, yes, I’ve just put a wig on her normal drawing because that’s what she looked like.
Sorry Mam, got to keep the story moving along. I ran across the street and up dog poo alley, it was well before people scooped poop.
At the age of 6, I was really good at standing in dog poo, one of the best, I’m still okay now, considering there isn’t as much about, but those were the halcyon days.
The alley led to a graveyard.
It was an ancient graveyard where nearly all the graves had been moved to the sides. We used to play a lot in the graveyard, is that okay behaviour? I’m not sure. We used Mr Johnson Wopsiebritches, age 63, and Ms Abigail Lovelace, age 87, as goalposts and we drew wickets on General Owzzat Edgesnick, age 96, (should’ve gone back to do the research but you’ll have to put up with the made-up, but incredibly authentic, 18th-century names.)
I hid behind Jebodiah Cottonsocks, age 71, I knew me mam would be here in a minute in tears.
So I waited. By now, 3 minutes into running away from home, I couldn’t remember why I’d run away from home, but it must’ve been something serious like she’d given all my Spiderman comics to her friend’s son because she fancied a tidy-up (okay I can remember.)
6 minutes later, she still wasn’t there.
Shut up Jebodiah. Anyway, it doesn’t matter I had a plan B. In the corner of the graveyard, if you climbed up Dr Ahab Leeches’ grave and onto the wall there was a room above a disused garage with a hole in the roof where I could climb through and live. Me and Pete had been there a few times and made a camp, now it would be home. No school or being bossed about. FOREVER.
I climbed up to start the rest of my life. And I saw this
It wasn’t disused and I’d been rumbled.
Plops (which is a serious swear word for a 6-year-old catholic). But don’t worry, you didn’t think I’d run away from home without a plan C did you? And it’s even better.
On the other side of the graveyard, there was a main road that I definitely wasn’t allowed to cross or go near. Across from that, and through the school grounds, there was a wood with a big old house that we called The Mansion.
No one had lived there for years until today – my moving-in day. The fact that I wasn’t allowed to cross the main road was even better, that feat of rebellion was to be my final act of childhood before I answered to no one and became an adult.
But do you know how chunky those Cortinas and Morris Marinas used to be? If you got hit by a car in the 70s it really hurt. I waited for Tufty the Squirrel, or Darth Vader before he turned nasty or even Alvin Stardust to help me across, or at least give me some patronising advice.
Nothing. Where are these people when you need them? A couple of Austin Maxis flew passed, smashed through a row of houses and kept on going.
There was only one way to solve this, a tactic I still use to this very day. I closed my eyes and legged it.
See, it works. I climbed the school fence, which was also naughty, and into the woods.
Bear Grylls hadn’t been born yet, but I’d watched Tarzen every Saturday morning for years, so whatever Ron Ely could do I could do. I made a call for a herd of Elephants to help but nothing happened, so I swung through the trees to avoid quicksand and landed further up the hill, outside the mansion.
There are two possible endings to this story.
First one, I broke into the mansion and made a camp on the top floor where I found an old mattress. Over the years I used the fallen wood of the trees around me to restored the mansion to its former glory and it won the best house in Cumbria award for 7 years running. I then sold it and built a portfolio of properties that made me a billionaire at the age of 15.
Or I went home because it was getting dark.
Just a sec, got a call
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
?? Thanks for the laughs.. brilliant ?
Thanks Lynn. Have a great weekend 🙂
Hilarious ? ?
Thanks Lisa 🙂
That’s so funny! You should write a book!?
Thanks Julee, glad you enjoyed it. I will get started on the book 🙂
Absolutely brilliant. And I can confirm that ‘plops’ was indeed a good swear word for a 6 year old Catholic in the 70’s! ??
I still use ‘plops’ now when inside my head it’s much worse 🙂
I love your posts they make me laugh out loud. As well as being a great artist you also have the gift of telling a good story and making people laugh. Keep it going Ian . Gaynor
Thanks Gaynor, that’s very nice of you to say and really glad you enjoyed it this week. Have a great weekend 🙂
Love these! The only emails I open and read all the way through ???
Thanks Hilary, that’s brill, really glad you like them. Have a great weekend 🙂
That story definitely needs to be a book ?
Haha, not sure I’m qualified to write that one 🙂
Brilliant! We’re of a similar age, so the refs to Darth Vader and Alvin Stardust really made me laugh!
Lend us a tenner ’til pay day?
Thanks Terri, it always makes me laugh when I watch those old public information films (apart from the dark and lonely waters one). Have a good weekend 🙂
Wow Ron Ely, I thought I was the only person in the world old enough to remember him!! Great story, brightened up my Friday lunchtime as usual
No Lyn, I remember him well, while jumping on the sofa and swinging on the curtains. Diane doesn’t like me doing that now 🙂
Highlight of the week and with a “Ron Ely” reference aswell… What will it be next week, Clarence the boss eyed lion, Burt Ward, Magpie….Boom
Won’t charge you for the ideas….
Keep it up mate
You’ve hit a creative spell there, Martin. I’ve taken notes 🙂
Terri has just hinted at your next Skwiggles Ian. Every kid whoever ran away for at least an hour back in the 70’s had a whole bunch of facts on how to survive……….Charlie says…..never talk to strangers, or play with matches……Or accept rides to see Norman’s kennel ?
Haha, I did notice that, haven’t done much Monty Python, maybe that can be my first 🙂 Those public information films gave us all the info we needed to live wild in the streets. Don’t know if you’ve read this one I did last year https://skwiggles.co.uk/4-june-21-public-information-films/ Have a great weekend 🙂
Brilliant as always, your mind seems to work very similarly to mine, I’m not sure whether to be pleased, or just feel sorry for you
Best wishes
Haha Sarah, pity is what I need I think 🙂
You should definitely write a book
Thanks Trudie, maybe ‘How to make a billion before you’re 15’ 🙂
You always brighten up my Friday lunch times in work.
Thanks Janet, glad it brightens up your lunch. Hope the afternoon flies in. Have a great weekend 🙂
We had a dog dirt alley too and like your’s its much cleaner now, but still not perfect!
Yeah, it’s a lot better now, but I can still find ones to stand in. Have a great weekend 🙂
My, you were a brave and rebellious little soul in your younger days weren’t you? So what happened in the end, did you meekly creep home and live the rest of your days in never ending enduring misery after being forbidden to gou out to play ever again by yer ma, and getting beaten witin an inch of your life by your arl fella? Or, (as seems more likely) meet the Beautiful princess of the forest, fall in love and marry her and live happpily ever after?
And by the way, you may have had more chance of crossing the road safely, if you’d relied on Kevin Keegan to help you
All I can say is, I didn’t buy the Empire State Building, it was just a little bit too expensive, had to settle for the Rockefeller Center 🙂 And yes should’ve thought of Kevin, he’d have done a better job than Alvin. Have a good weekend 🙂
Nice punch line.
Thanks Gary, it was expensive but worth it 🙂
Great giggle as always, thank you! The Road Safety ad with Joe Bugner was shot from my in-laws house! My husband came home from school aged about 8 and ran straight into him in the front room!
Haha, your poor husband, banging into Joe Bugner must’ve been worse than being run over by an Austin Maxi. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
You try trying to cross a road in the 60s. All those stagecoaches….
Haha Alan, it’s still like that in Cumbria 🙂
Hilarious as always! Strikes a chord with me, Ian, I was always running away when I was in single figures over half a century ago. My mother would make me a packed lunch and I would walk off up the hill. I would then eat my packed lunch and then walk home!
Thanks Lisa, I didn’t get a packed lunch, wait till I see me mam. Your run away sounds very nice, packed lunch up the hill back down in time for tea. Might try that today 🙂
I have to ask – have you read The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman? If you haven’t, you really should!
Hi Maria, yes I have read that and really enjoyed it. My graveyard wasn’t quite as magical as that one 🙂 And Chris Riddell’s drawings are amazing.
Best one yet Ian, I can relate to that on so many levels! ?
Thanks Maria 🙂
I can remember packing my carrier bag with clean knickers and socks and going next door to live? I can’t remember what I’d done to be so p’d off I had to make the move but I was off … Only to return home in time for bed cos they had hard, Izal toilet paper???
Haha Lorna, wherever there’s quality toilet paper, that’s home 🙂