21 Oct 22 – Read this and you’ll be like the man who got run down by a train
I know this will be hard to believe, but occasionally I get on Diane’s nerves. Here’s an example – she asked me the other week if I’d seen the dog bowl, to which I replied I never knew Norman played cricket.
And then I told her about my shopping trip and the guy in the supermarket who reminded me of Michael Jackson.
I don’t know why I feel the need to tell you this because my dad would always say to me: “Son, never explain yourself to anyone.” and he never told me why.
Doing what, my sweet?
After the supermarket, I popped into B&Q and asked the lady: “What’s best for greasy ovens?”
She said: “Ammonia cleaner”.
So I apologised because I thought she was in customer services.
When I was looking around WH Smith’s, I found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer. And then Diana Ross pushed passed me in the queue and I said to her: “You can’t hurry, love, you just have to wait.”
It’s about now Diane becomes irritated.
Me: Look at this on the BBC website, did you know Midge Ure had a brother called Horseman?
Diane: Stop it please. I know you’re not on the BBC website. I like Tim Vine, I really do. I like the Tim Vine Appreciation Society, but I’m sick of laughing now, so stop.
Me: I’m not on the Time Vine Appreciation Society page, I’m actually watching a thing about lakes and rivers. You know I love anything water related. I’m watching a live stream right now.
Diane: Put the phone down.
Me: Okay, okay.
Once a week, it’s true, I do like a scroll through the Tim Vine Appreciation Society Facebook page, just for a quick catch-up. I find it amusing to try and incorporate the jokes into everyday life.
Me: You know Jimmy from down the road, remember he slipped on a tub of margarine 6 months ago?
Diane: Did he? I can’t remember that.
Me: Yes, he did, definitely. Well, you know he still can’t walk properly. I can’t believe he’s not better.
Me: Poor fella. He’s just had a bypass operation not so long ago, remember there was a problem with the surgery and as he was waiting for the Surgeon to explain what went wrong – his heart was in his mouth.
And that was not long after the divorce. Him and his wife split the house, he got the outside. She said to him as he left ‘Don’t forget to write’ but why would he? It’s a basic skill that most people know.
Diane stopped laughing about an hour ago, so I know I haven’t got many left before she throws a turnip at me.
I leave it five minutes, and I pick up the local newspaper as a prop.
Me: You know the car park in town, the council say they’re losing £10 million a year in unpaid parking fines. I’ve just emailed them and told them to half the cost of the fines and they’ll only lose £5 million. And Craig from the butchers phoned them up and said ‘I want a skip outside my shop’, they said ‘we’re not stopping you.’ They’d just come back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and they said, never again…
Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable to make you cry is wrong. The next morning all I got for breakfast was some sugary cornflakes, it was a Frostie reception…
Just wondering, did you know Gallileo was just a poor boy from a poor family
Remember when we used to throw Scrabble tiles out of the window…
Have a great weekend and don’t lose an i, that’s the word on the street.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Good page, like the Norman joke in particular.
Diane & Ian, certainly different.
Keep them coming.
Thanks John, glad you enjoyed it. Have a good weekend 🙂
I laughed out loud at (most of) these ???
Thanks Ian ?
Thanks Angela, you did well if you laughed at most of the them 🙂
I’m with Diane here. She should take advantage of the the season and chuck a pumpkin at you! ? Maybe more effective ?.
Haha Maureen, yes a pumpkin sounds painful, but those turnips are pretty tough 🙂
Chortle, chortle…..brilliant!
Glad you enjoyed it Karen 🙂
Poor, poor Diane … ?
Hope you are making enough money for therapy, or at least more veg to throw!
Thank you for your weekly emails, and your fab drawings.
Hmmm, which one for my husband THIS Christmas ….”
All the profits go to therapy and turnips for Diane 🙂
I read these out to my hubby – he laughed out loud, as did I. Espepcially love the Midge Ure one?
Thanks Martina, poor Horseman, very unfortunate name 🙂
Omg, in stitches…. did you know that legs run in the family? Also, most accidents are caused by people! & do you know what a fly without wings is called? Yes that’s right, it’s called a walk!
Sorry but had to be done..hope you & Diane like my husbands ‘brilliant’ jokes
haha, loved the brilliant jokes, I need to join ‘Your Husband’s Appreciation Society’ 🙂
Noses run in our family
Hahaha, same here 🙂
Love it!
Thanks Sharon. Have a good weekend 🙂
That was you I saw at the fringe then! And did you know if your nose runs and your feet smell you’re built upside down?
Haha, I’m definitely upside down then. Have a great weekend John 🙂
Horseman Ure – brilliant! ?
Glad you enjoyed that one, Andrew. Have a good weekend 🙂
Ian, two I’s here, not spoken for a while, still laughing at the Midge Ure joke!
Keep it going it’s my weekly smile, thanks
Hi Iain with two ‘i’s glad you’re well and glad you like the Midge Ure joke. Very unfortunate name 🙂
Great one this week Ian – particularly liked the parking fines one! Keep it up – I must look at the Tim Vine fb site.
Thanks Paul, I hope they read my email it’ll save the council a fortune 🙂
I had a look at the Time Vine facebook page but thought it was a bit creepy
Went the pub the other day, walked in & ordered a pint, weather outside was a bit gloomy, and while he was waiting for my pint to settle, the barman looked up and said “looks like rain doesn’t it?” I said “Yeah, I know, but I’ll still get charged £3.00 for it”
Lad driving a car saw two bags of crisps walking along a road, he pulled in and said to them, “would you like a lift?” they Said”Naah, it’s OK we’re Walkers”*
*Got that last one off a Beermat in a pub
Fella walks into a pub with a Newt on is shoulder, and orders a pint, barman says to him “What’s that on your shoulder?” fella Replies “That’s tiny, I’ve just brought him out for a walk” Barman says “Tiny, bit of a strange name isn’t it, why d’yer call him that?” Fella says “Because he’s My Newt”.
“Dad, there’s a man at the door with a bill” “Can’t be son, must be a duck with a hat on”
(to be said in a Liverpool accent) “There’s been a fire at Tesco’s” “has there?” “No, Tesco”
Haha Baz, some classics there. Thanks 🙂
Aggggggg, hee hee hee. Brill. Lost vocabulary this late in evening.
Agggg hehhehe, I know how you feel 🙂
A Tumshie is THE actual Hallowe’en vegetable. And much mair painful than thon American Pumpkinpish.
Well deserved for that stream of Vine-esque mince. Yir Da wis clearly a Wise Man.
Och Well, Nae Bother.
Aye, nae bother Sam, yer tumshie 🙂
So I said to my butcher have you got a capon,he said no I’ve got my apron on back to front,,, what about a sheep’s head? No it’s the way I part my hair
Haha, like it 🙂
Hilarious! Passed by phone over for the old man to read this week’s time and he’s in stitches??
Thanks Lorna, glad the old man enjoyed it too:)
Great one liner , great to read and cheer us up, my wife full of the cold and my neck has sized up, keep it up . Video great to.
Colin
Poor you two, hope you’re feeling better soon 🙂