27 Jan 23 – Pregnant in the US
Okay, anyone who’s ever been pregnant can virtually punch me in the face right now.
You see, when Diane was pregnant (way back in 1999) I had a brilliant idea. I said to her:
No, I didn’t exactly say that, because that’s ridiculous, but I sort of did.
Here’s something a little more accurate:
‘Before this wonderful child is born, let’s take a month off work and tour around America. It’ll be great, amazing etc etc …’
There’s a couple of things I didn’t fully understand
- What being pregnant feels like (still don’t).
- After 3 months everything suddenly isn’t great.
- Morning sickness doesn’t always happen in the morning.
- Blossoming.
- Oestrogen and progesterone.
- Shoes no longer fit
- If I walk one more inch I will kill you
- No, I’m not getting out of bed to see a statue of another American slave trader, have you seen these ankles.
- I’m tired.
- Go away.
You see what I mean, I didn’t understand anything, but despite that, I became all excited and persuasive.
The backing singers swayed it, so I booked the tickets, organized the journey and off we went.
Here’s a few photos I managed to find from the trip.
New York
Photo 1
We arrived in New York from the rolling hills of Cumbria at 2.00 am. We got the bus into the city and stepped out into a steamy street from Blade Runner. I didn’t know who was real and didn’t have time for a swift Voigt-Kampff Empathy Test, so I quickly flagged down a cab.
I felt very English. The bowler hat and monocle were a blending-in with-the-locals mistake, as a hundred streetwise mobsters from the Bronx stared at me.
‘Can you take us to the Really Great Hotel, good sir.’
‘I think it’s on 34th street’
We got in and he drove us in a straight line to 34th Street and stopped.
‘Well, are you going to get out, bozo?’ said the pleasant fellow.
‘You said 34th, this is 34th, get out,’
Apparently, his steering wheel was just for show. He needed the exact coordinates, 34th and 7th, just next to the second man with the knife on the left, who loves a cappuccino from Charchy’s on 36th and 9th. I dragged my pregnant wife 50 blocks along 34th until we found the hotel.
This was not a great start.
Quick aside: I love the great British Cabbie, never more so than that moment.
Me at Euston Station: ‘Take me to the Premier Inn, not sure where, I think it’s in London.’
Los Angeles
Photos 2, 3 and 4
‘Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you. Everywhere… ‘
Can you just knock that off, thanks, I’m trying to concentrate.
Sorry about that.
In Los Angeles, we went on a tour of the star’s houses. As you can see from the photos, we stopped outside Sly’s, Arnie’s, Bobby de Niro, Meryl, Tom Cruise, Brad, Madonna, we visited them all. It was an amazing afternoon, very similar to every bus trip we ever took to Blackpool when the windows steamed up from the unrelenting rain and you didn’t know where the ‘eck you were.
They’d never had rain like it, apparently.
We definitely saw Tom Cruise’s place, though.
Las Vegas
Photo 5
Why take a photo of a cucumber? Well, I’ll tell you why. We both got hyperkalemia in Las Vegas, that’s why. Don’t know if you’re aware but cucumbers have high potassium content which can lead to flatulence and abdominal cramps (note: I can turn any food into those two).
Every five minutes, around the pool, different members of staff came round with slices of cucumber. It wasn’t until I almost farted my swimming trunks through a second-story window that I realised everyone else around the pool wasn’t eating them, they were putting the cucumber slices on their eyes.
On the way to the Grand Canyon
Photo 6
Diane: ‘Why have we stopped here? This is a terrible photo, you’ve got me out of the car to stand next to a stupid wall in this heat, what’s the point of that?’
The ‘stupid wall’ was the Hoover Dam, she didn’t realise, or care, and her ankles didn’t give two flying flips.
Grand Canyon
Photo 7
This photo was preceded by this conversation with Diane:
Me: ‘It’s 4.30 am, thought I’d get up and see the sunset over the Grand Canyon.’
Diane:
Me: ‘I know you’ve been up all night being sick and your ankles are swollen from 8 hours in the car and that detour to the Hoover dam, but just wondering…’
Diane:
Me: ‘Okay, I’ll take a photo.’
Seattle
Photo 8 and 9
One of these was taken in Seattle the other a Cumbrian summer, can’t remember which.
‘Everywhere you go…’
Shut up.
Seattle Airport
Photo 10
No Cilla wasn’t getting off the plane, my brother was emigrating to America, and it was a coincidence that we were in the US at the time, that’s why we detoured to Seattle to give him the Surprise Surprise of his life at the airport. Here’s the actual photo.
Photo 10 (for real).
Me and Diane jumped out in front of them after a 10-hour flight and 3 hours in passport control. My brother had been taking advantage of the long-haul flight refreshments and I don’t think he knew we were there, and the rest of the family were tired and crying and hating everything and everyone – because their friends were 4000 miles away forever.
It wasn’t a Cilla moment.
There were two options open to us. Tough this one out, no matter how awkward the situation, or jump through the window to our left and onto the busy freeway below.
We would’ve done that, but we thought we’d better not for the sake of our unborn child. Thanks Hannah, for saving our lives that day.
After that we went home and I decided not to start: holidays-your-pregnant-wife-will-hate.com
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
Sounds awesome!
I’ve done the jetlagged-sunset-over-Vegas thing too. I decided to walk up a “mountain” at dusk (noticed the most people were walking back down it), nearly had to spend the night in the middle of nowhere, in the desert. Turns out, it gets very dark, when there are no streetlights for miles.
Love your work, Ian.
Keep it up!
I agree, my 4.30 start was very dark and very cold, which I wasn’t prepared for since it was 90 degrees in Las Vegas the day before. Diane had the right idea I think. Glad you made it out of the desert 🙂
This cheers me up every Friday, thank you
Thanks Julie, glad you liked it. Have a good weekend 🙂
Hilarious ?. A holiday not to be forgotten for many reasons . At least Diane didn’t start chewing on copious amounts of chocolate bars, sucking on coal or glass in those early months of pregnancy! Love the cucumber bit, exactly what I would have thought ‘Nice of the hotel staff to bring us a snack’ !
Thanks Brian, definitely haven’t forgotten that holiday, although Diane would like to. Bit of cucumber on a warm day, it made sense to me 🙂 Have a good weekend
Just for fun, try opening a tube of Pringles at 4000 ft altitude like I did in Bryce Canyon. The explosion nearly started a landslide. It is however the perfect comeback every time my wife says “ ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?” Which since then, I cant.
Not sure I will try that then, next time I’m in Bryce Canyon, stick with Cheese XL 🙂
Ha! Regarding New York cabbies, my British mother and I were travelling to the (original) Queen Elizabeth from the train from our home town when I was almost four (1957). She told me later she gave the cabbie a 50cent tip. He looked at it and said ‘what do you call this?’. She replied ‘a tip, but if you don’t want it, I do’ and took it back! My late husband and I went to the Grand Canyon in 1980. Not sure about sunsets, but sunrises are fantastic! Thanks for giving me a laugh Ian!
I like your mother’s style, 50 cent is 50 cent. Tipping in America is tricky I think. Glad you enjoyed the Grand Canyon 🙂
Love your stories. I went to Vegas for my 50th birthday. Arrived in 102 degree heat, fought our way through thousands upon thousands of boxing fans on the strip (Manny Pacqio was fighting at the MGM) and had severe jet lag. We thought we’d landed in Hell on earth and wanted to leave after a couple of hours! We went back to the hotel fell asleep for 12 hours and woke up at dawn just in time to see the sunrise over the hills. It got better from then on. ?. Please will you do a tshirt with either Steven Wilson or Porcupine Tree on it. (Or both)
Sunrises and sunsets are the best over there, in between my Cunbrian skin can’t handle it. I will put Steven Wilson on the to-do list 🙂
I had a similar experience, Wendy was 6 months pregnant and I thought it would be a good idea to have a holiday to Italy before William is born. arriving in the height of summer it was always going to be to hot, no pool but a very nice beach a 15 minute walk away!! as you know that’s a bit to fare to walk and i remember the main topic every morning nothing fits me anymore, and I had to borrow a shovel to dig a big hole in the sand so she could lye down.
Good idea with the shovel, I think Diane would’ve definitely dug a big hole for me to lie in (permanently) after ours 🙂
Hysterical as always. Your recollections never fail to make me laugh! Who knew cucumbers could be so toxic? The cooling gift that keeps on giving ?
Be careful of cucumbers, that’s the main thing from this week’s post (apart from don’t drag your pregnant wife round America). Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
I really look forward to this every week. Thanks
Thanks David, glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend 🙂
That sounds more fun than arriving at Kennedy Airport at Tea time (US) and then catching the minbus to the Hotel all the way out to “Noo Joyzee”, then after hiring a car locally, and driving to “Noo Yoik” to do some sight-seeing, deciding to drive up to Canada overnight. That was about the limit of our adventures, as the rest of the Holiday was pretty much incident free, apart from Almost being arrested for D&D on our first night in Toronto! (That though is a story for another time, as even in condensed form it takes a few minutes)
Sounds like you’ve got the American language sorted out there, Baz. That was one hell of a road trip 🙂
I look forward to this every week. This week’s is one of my favourites, probably because I can identify with travelling when pregnant. Long story, in short, pregnant with morning, noon & night sickness… the rest involves a P&O ferry from Shetland to Aberdeen – apologies to the ferry barman and his bin, the cabin cleaning lady, the small child on deck and fishies in the sea.
Glad you enjoyed it Julie. Sounds like you did a thorough job on that ferry, I’m sure they all forgave you. Hope you have a sick free weekend 🙂
Your narratives are brilliant. Really set me up for the day Ian !
I think you are lucky you are still alive !
Diane has a lot to put up with – hehe
Possible book here ?
Thanks Richard, that’s very nice of you to say. Glad you like them. And you’re right, I’m lucky to be alive -Diane hasn’t killed me just yet:) Enjoy the rest of your weekend.