A Four-Scone Day
I took me mam on a day trip to Edinburgh last week to see my daughter, Hannah. We went by train. No, we went by four trains, three lifts, two taxis, an escalator…
And yes, there were scones. Four of them.
Let’s start when we were all fresh and full of hope. Trian 1 to Carlisle was amazing, smooth on the tracks, nice and straight, and a relaxing, gentle pull into the station, lovely. Train 2 to Edinburgh – canceled.
I don’t ask questions like ‘Why?’ anymore, so we had a quick coffee and a morning scone (1) and went to Glasgow.
I have a question, do you have to be drunk to go to Glasgow? I’m totally okay with that if you do, but I wish I’d been cc’d on the email, everyone I could see on the train was drinking and it was only 10.00 am.
Quick aside: I’ve just had my 55+ checkup at the doctors. They measured loads of stuff I’m not bothered about – and my liver function. I’ll let my liver tell you the news.
Phew, well done liver. I don’t know if that’s an ofsted Good, but I’m taking that as I’m totally allowed to drink on the train to Glasgow at 10.00am. But the train buffet car was shut and I thought, probably best if I wasn’t drunk in charge of a grandma.
Hannah met us at Glasgow and we were going to connect to Edinburgh, but that train was canceled as well. So instead I had an experience that almost turned me back on the path to heaven.
We went to a cafe that was in a church and had a delicious bowl of soup that I didn’t order.
The servers were the happiest people I’ve ever met, they could’ve served me 2000-year-old soup from the Last Supper and I wouldn’t have minded.
By some miracle we got our coffee and scone number 2 and then caught Train 3 to Edinburgh full of religious happiness. We arrived in Edinburgh at 3.30, a mere 4 hours behind schedule. We were too late for the tour bus and guess what? We hadn’t had a scone (3) for 93 minutes so we piled into the nearest coffee shop and sorted that problem out.
I calculated once that me mam spends £94 a month on scones, forget about the energy crisis, if scones go up she’s out on the street.
Rishi, where’s the scone allowance?
When you’re with an 83-year-old, you obviously think of scones but there are other considerations. For example, stairs and toilets. Every toilet in Edinburgh was down near the centre of the earth. In one cafe I think I was closer to some friends who live in Brisbane than home. Another issue is Victoria Street.
She’s a big Harry Potter fan. We walked all the way along The Royal Mile, not sure how far that was, enjoyed two more churches (she likes churches) and I discovered I was completely deaf. At least that is the only reasonable explanation. I’d been in Scotland now for nearly five hours (I was standing on The Royal Mile) and I hadn’t heard a single bagpipe.
Good news alert: we made it to Diagon Alley, here’s me mam and daughter if you don’t believe me.
And that was it. Our two hours in Edinburgh done. We got Taxi 1 back to the train station and got Train 4.
On the train back there was a couple with a baby going to Manchester. I occasionally exaggerate, I wasn’t really that close to Brisbane earlier…
…but not this time. The baby started crying and the man stood up and walked down the train asking everyone and anyone if they had a nappy and some baby food … that’s all I have to say on that.
We got off at Carlisle, and the mathematicians among you will have calculated that we’ve had our quota of trains (4) but we haven’t yet had our quota of taxis.
So we paid £50 for Taxi 2 instead.
Me (in the taxi): Have you got anything for tea?
Mam: Yes, don’t worry I’ve got a scone somewhere in the back of the cupboard.
That woman is a professional.
Have a great weekend.
Take care and all the best,
Ian
(If you want to leave a comment below, that would be great)
As a Glaswegian, I’m totally offended by today’s tale. Only kidding it was hilarious! You’re better going on a night train to or from Glasgow at a weekend , when you’re usually treated to a hilarious standup routine from one of the Stella brigade. Me and my kids did the Edinburgh Harry Potter walk in Edinburgh it was brilliant.
Sorry Lisa 🙂 I’m going to have to get that train, I feel there’s another newsletter in it 🙂
Very funny but now I NEED a scone , it’s all I can think about!
Hope you had your scone 🙂
Brilliant. I love reading your stories. Long may they continue xx
Thanks Debbie, I’ll keep going 🙂
If Rishi brings in Scones for the over 60s I’ll be first in the queue .. if it could include jam and clotted cream I shall die happy (hopefully not in the near future mind!) 🙂
You’re right, there should also be a jam and clotted cream allowance, let’s march to Westminster this afternoon 🙂
Devon and Cornwall were all set to hold a 60’s and 70’s rock festival, but had to cancel as they could not agree on whether The Cream or The Jan should go on first. Ha! You thought the scones were all done.
Hahah, I like that. Definitely The Jam first 🙂
just loved the story and scones made my day so cheerful, keep up the good work .
Thanks Sandra, glad you enjoyed it. Have a good weekend 🙂
I’m from Kirkcaldy in Fife, but in Edinburgh just now and walked past the Harry Potter museum. The street was absolutely jam packed! Took ages to get to top of street. Only heard one piper so far. Keep up the good work with the weekly funnies. Enjoy them immensely ?
It’s a very busy street and the pipers must be on strike or something because I didn’t see/hear any. Enjoy your trip, I love Edinburgh 🙂
That’s Brill!
Hope you had a seats(s) please booked, and claim for your late/ cancelled journey!!
I need to do that Steve, thanks for the reminder 🙂
Two hours only In Edinburgh? No sooner there, and it’s scone.
Haha Alan, you’re right, we should’ve scone for a bit longer 🙂
That joke doesn’t work for those of us who pronounce ‘scone’ properly, you know
I just love how calm you are about it all and can laugh it off! I bet it was magical having scones in Diagon Alley? 🙂
Thanks David, it was the magical scones that kept me calm 🙂
Yay “Me Mam” instead of Mom or Mum.. dunno what these card people are up to, can they not speak proper??
Love the weekly escapades 🙂
Thanks Leslie, yeah you can’t get ‘Mam’ on a card that much, maybe I’ll make some local dialect cards 🙂
It’s true! I used to work in a very well known card shop in Derbyshire & Mam was the most requested. The closest we got was if it was a ‘u’ that could be mistaken for an ‘a’. In the right light, with a bit of a squint.
Definitely have to get started on a series of Mam cards 🙂
Loved the tale and the fact that you have a mam, not a mum x
Thanks Barbara, glad you enjoyed it, I’ll let me mam know 🙂
Yaay… lovely picture.. and I love your Mam ?
Thanks Lynn, I will pass that on to me Mam, the scones give her superpowers 🙂
Definitely, do some Mam cards, don’t forget to illustrate with scones though. Could be a minefield, what about Da, and many, many ways of addressing granny and grandad!
There’s a lot of options. By the sound of it just cards with scones on would be good 🙂
Really enjoy reading about your escapades ?
Thanks Angela, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
My daughter Hannah has lived in Glasgow for 11 years but we aren’t risking a train journey to see her at the moment for the very reasons that you discovered. I am proud to say she has never been drunk on a train or anywhere else at 10am! I do miss her. Any chance of naming the church that sells yummy soup and scones? The place I always went to had shut down last time I went.
Thank you for The Moog design, we love it. I will be ordering for the family on payday if you haven’t sold out. Can you confirm that 3XL is the biggest size available?
Your Mam looks exactly like a Grandma should look. I wonder if she’d like to adopt me?
It was The Wild Olive Tree and it was very good, I would definitely recommend it. The soup was delicious. Glad you like the Moog. We can get up to 5XL if you want to message Diane. Me Mam will definitely adopt you, she’d probably accept a straight swap, you for me 🙂 Have a great weekend.
Great reading as always and I love your skwiggles 🙂
Thanks Jane, glad you enjoyed it and like the skwiggles. Have a great weekend 🙂
What a fabulous story! Keep them coming Mr Skwiggles, first day of my holiday today, and you’ve started it up beautifully! I’ll be taking you on holiday too… ?
Thanks Heather, glad you enjoyed it. Make sure you have loads of scones on your holiday. Have a good time 🙂
I need a scone now!
It’s never too early/late/just right for a scone 🙂
I mark scones 1- 10 . Tens are rarely found.
I always ask to view the scones before purchase and choose the one I like the look of.
Madness I know, but I am perfect in every other way.
Just out of interest how does Grandma like her scones ? I get the feeling she’s not as fussy as I am.
Ps Only butter, none of that jam and cream malarkey.
Grandma will eat her scones any way and in any condition, sometimes only butter but obviously jam and clotted cream is the ideal. I like your scoring system. Let me know when you find another 10 🙂
Great seeing that picture of the Royal Mile, did you know, that if you walk along and keep looking on the left hand side, you’ll see a sign pointing to A “Wee Hoose” as it’s called in local parlance, or a “Small dwelling” to you & Me (& most likely your daughter & Yer Mam) With the sign gleefully (& very earnestly) pointing out that “Rabbie Burns Lived Here”. Also, not too far from the Royal Mile, there is a graveyard, here, is the Burial Place of Greyfriars Bobby, a dog apparently immortalised in a Disney Film, if you’re really lucky (like we were when we were there) you might catch a tour group being shown the site, so you can save yourself a few quid.
You were obviously very fortunate , as you visited at the right time of year, so thus avoided any possibility of being attacked by a stray Haggis, surprised you weren’t warned about this when the train crossed the border, then again, the Magic Scones may have rendered this warning totally unnecessary
Actually, Just read that back, and spotted a HUGE mistake, as you walk UP the Royal Mile in the Direction of the Castle , and you keep looking over on your RIGHT, you’ll see the sign, It was a fair few years when we were there, so the exact location has escaped me now, But as a (very) Rough Guide it’s further up than than the Cathedral and on the opposite side of the road. Looking at your photo, I’d say it’s around the area where you were at the time
Thanks Barry, your Edinburgh knowledge is very impressive. We didn’t have time for any more sightseeing having filled the two hours with scones and Harry Potter, maybe next time. Once me mam’s had a rest 🙂