Tom Cruise is Smaller than Me

If you follow us on Facebook you may know it was our 30th Wedding Anniversary on Monday.

Yes, a Skwiggles original as a present, Diane’s very lucky to own something worth about a million (at the present rate of inflation in the year 4022, T&Cs apply).

I did buy her a pearl-based pressie and we went away for the night as well, in case you think I’m stingy, but by far the best present was our visit to the cinema to see the big guy, Tom Cruise.

Not sure I got the likeness quite right there.

Tom, back at Top Gun, being goddam all-americanly awesome, as usual.

NO, he… look whatever I say is irrelevant, let’s move on.

So I thought in order to keep the relationship going strong for another 30, there’s only one thing for it – I’m going to have to be more like Tom.

Firstly, I had my tibia and fibula removed in both legs, so I would be a similar size.

Next, I shoved a coat hanger in my mouth to stretch my miserable-looking face into a smile worthy of Tom. 

I think it worked well. Although I didn’t have a spare £100,000 for the dental surgery, so had to stick with my row of bombed houses.

I started high-fiving people all over the place, and I gave everyone names that weren’t anything like their own names 

‘Come on Goose’

Every morning I checked the tide times and drove Diane 12 miles to the local beach, where I took my top off.

I haven’t got a motorbike but I pumped my bicycle tyres up and peddled fast around the estate whenever I saw an aeroplane overhead.

Like Tom, I got intense, then angry, then ecstatic about everything. Nothing was too insignificant.

Just a sec.

Firstly, I have to say it’s knackering being Tom and secondly, Sigmund, do you think I’ve taken this too far?

‘I just feel…’

‘What do you feel. Ian. Is it your childhood? Is that why you want to be small again, like Tom?’

‘No, I just feel… a need…’

‘What do you need? To be loved and you’re jealous of your wife’s, admittedly, very strange obsession with Tom?’ 

‘I can’t put my finger on it, it’s not ‘a need’ as such…. I feel…

…the need…’

The therapy is ongoing.

On the day of our anniversary, we were sitting in the hotel garden, right next to the lake having a lovely glass of wine. The Lake District regularly has low-flying military airplanes practicing through the valleys. One came flying through, really low, at what felt like a few feet above our heads.

‘Maybe that’s Tom,’ Diane said with a wistful look in her eye.

If it wasn’t for that third glass of wine I might have made it to the rig I had set up in the car park just in case.

Have a great weekend. Or as 5’6″ Tom would say – a goddam awesome one.

Take care and all the best,

6’2″ Ian

(If you want to leave a comment below about how you are better than Tom please do.)