9 June 2023

Got three done from the suggestions list this week – The Mandalorian, Dougie MacLean and Bruce Dickinson

Here’s a few customers who’ve been out and about at concerts in the last week or so. Lesley at Muse, Mick at Roger Waters, Tommy at Springsteen and Jeff at the Royal Albert Hall to see Jeff Beck. Thank you all of you, they’re brilliant.

If you’ve been to a concert with your Skwiggles T-Shirt, or just have a good photo of you in your Skwiggles T-Shirt, or a friend or a stranger or anyone, let me know and I’ll put your lovely face above.

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

It’s shopping day and why do I insist on carrying as many bags as possible at once from the car. Is it to show off my manliness to Diane? I don’t think so, we’ve been married 30 years and she knows I’m not Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Is it to save time? No, because I can’t get through the doors, a handle always breaks and a yoghurt splatters before I can get to the lino. Or is it for the same reason I stack all the cold stuff in a tower to take it to the fridge in the garage in one, making sure to put the 4 litres of milk at the very top.

Being useless is useful.

Saturday

I made Diane ill for two days. Also known as, we had a bbq. She was the only one who had the chicken kebabs.

Sunday

Went to the beach with Norman

Incredible how that sea monster is able to swim in that much water.

Monday

Went back to the street I grew up on and it reminded me of playing curby. I’m sure that’s a global game, but a few people I talked to have never heard of it. The rules are simple: you stand on either side of the street, throw a football aiming for the curb. If you hit the curb the ball bounces back to you and you get a point and another throw. The aim of the game is to not get punched in the face by your big brother when you keep beating him.

Is Curby a real game?

• Yes, always played it
• No, you made it up

Submit

Tuesday

I heard my daughter listening to Supertramp in her bedroom and I thought maybe she’d decided to change her musical ways for the better, so I shouted up.

Me: Didn’t know you liked Supertramp?

Daughter: Who?

Me: What you’re listening to, Breakfast in America by Supertramp.

Daughter: Dad, you idiot. This is Cupid’s Chokehold by Gym Class Heroes.

Then someone started rapping in a deep voice which I couldn’t remember Roger Hodgson doing.

So I made a quick decision: rant about how new music rips off old music all the time or go back into the living room and watch reruns of Star Trek and Magnum PI. I went back into the living room.

Wednesday

I found a box full of sketches I’d forgotten about in the shed, so thought I’d share the top layer.

Thursday

Met this bloke. He said he’d thrown three doubles and did I have £50 to get him out.

I told him I was skint, so he’d have to wait until I passed Go.

If you really want to know how far I will go to win at Monopoly, then this is the page for you:

Monopoly

My daughter’s going to see the Arctic Monkeys at the weekend, and Alec Turner’s lyrics are brill

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots, babe
I just wanna be yours

alex turner – Arctic Monkeys

She isn’t wearing the Skwiggles Arctic Monkeys T-Shirt, can you believe that? There’s about three bags from Boohoo just arrived and we can’t compete with that.

If you have some favourite lyrics, let me know

Could be daft, meaningful, inspiring, whatever you like

Artist

Your name

Submit

Security Alert: Poo bags have become artificially intelligent and are escaping bins. Look

Plastic bottles and crisp packets also seem to be sentient.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 2 June 2023

As for the suggestions this week, I haven’t done any sorry. Went away at the weekend, it was a bank holiday, Father’s day coming up… and a load of other incredibly poor excuses.

Here’s Helen’s husband to change the subject

Sorry, Helen’s husband I didn’t get your name but thanks for buying and thanks to your wife for sending these in. 

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

Took Norman to the big city – Edinburgh. He was as out of place as me. Took him to play with some big city dogs.

He lived up to his name – no mates

Saturday

Diane and our daughter, Hannah went to a Tina Turner tribute, look.

I insisted they take a photo, preferably on stage with pretend Tina, but this one is close enough.

I went out with Jake, my daughter’s boyfriend. We got drunk round some pubs for old people that he’d never been to, because he’s 40 years too young. He kept saying ‘That looks like one you would like.’ and through the window I saw grey-haired men drinking bitter and sighing deeply, and I thought ‘you’re absolutely right.’ Enjoyed it.

Sunday

We went to Stockbridge Market in Edinburgh. If you can imagine there were noodles, paella, pork smells wafting around with chilli sauce, the most amazing brownies you’ve ever seen. Me and Norman stood in the centre of this and had a who could slaver the most competition.

I asked Norman to describe his Stockbridge Market experience – since he only thinks in images this is what to told me.

Monday

Carlisle United, despite being one of the favourites to go down, were promoted yesterday and I know that will be a thrill to you all. I’m a complete fake fan but will definitely be going to games next year, only the ones they’re going to win and if it’s not raining.

If you want to hear a very similar inspiring footballing story then here:

Cumbria Cup

Tuesday

Bruce was in Edinburgh today (he must’ve waited till I’d left). Here’s a customer, Tommy at the Springsteen concert in his Atlantic City Skwiggles tee. Thanks for sending us that, bet it was brilliant.

Wednesday

I was in the loft, because men go in lofts every now and again, and found this old painting from years ago.

I’m not sure what I was trying to do with this. I think the theme was supposed to be something like the power of innocence or knowing too much or be brave, or get inside you idiot theirs a dragon on your balcony.

Thursday

Just to give you a little insight into my hometown, here we don’t have a drive through to get our steak bakes, we have a gallop through.

Diane chose the lyrics this week, and she keeps singing them to me non-stop

You’re simply the best
Better than all the rest
Better than anyone
Anyone I’ve ever met

tina turner

After a quick peer review she said she prefers ‘You’d better be good to me’ or ‘Typical Male’ or ‘We don’t need another Ian’ (I don’t remember that last one)

Here’s a photo of either mine and Diane’s last moments on this planet or a Tesco driver who forgot someone’s sourdough and had to go back.

Or it was being towed in front of us, but that one’s too obvious to be true.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 26 May 2023

A few more suggestions done this week. Shania Twain and the Spaceballs Alien, a strange combination I admit.

More amazing customers have sent in these photos

Thanks to Aaron and John for sending in these. 

Aaron’s in the process of recording his 6th album, which is amazing, and he’s wearing his Peter Green t-shirt. John is loving life in Tenerife with Paul Weller.

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

A woman at the rugby club keeps shouting at me. Even though they display this sign on their gate.

This sign really did ruin my fun walking down Lowmoor Road.

I think the woman must be new and keen to impress, because we all know shouting is impressive. If you come in at the bottom end of the fields, a sign says keep dogs off the rugby pitches. If you come in at the other end, a sign says keep dogs on leads. So I always come in at the bottom end and keep Norman off the pitches, as instructed.

It’s difficult to point out this signage loophole when she’s enjoying a good shout.

They also have this one:

Is this not a general rule for all sporting events? But here a sign is required.

Saturday

It’s the weekend and it was sunny in Cumbria, so we raced out in the afternoon for some beer garden drinking with a couple of friends. ‘Sunny Saturday in Cumbria’ is the least used sentence in the English language, I googled it.

Sunday

Norman must’ve had too many beers yesterday, he told me about a dream he had last night, it was something like this:

Monday

Spotted a very serious issue at the sports fields today ‘excessive gate labeling’.

It’s obviously incredibly important that these gates are labeled correctly because if you go in the wrong one you may end up in exactly the same place as the other two.

Tuesday

After watching Rings of Power, I caused a big queue in Starbucks.

‘I am Ian, Son of Frank the Joiner, Grandson of Samuel the Steelworker, Husband of Diane legend to all Skwiggles Customers, Father to Hannah and Jenna, adopted Father and total hero to Norman the sheep poo eater, Brother to Paul the….’

They couldn’t fit it on the cup. But as King Durin III says, you need to be proud of your family and heritage.

Wednesday

Red Rum, Tiger Roll, Aldaniti, Norman – the Grand National Greats

Although, it turns out Norman hates gamboling.

Thursday

There’s a new man on my (my I tell you) morning walk. He has two dogs and one of them is very aggressive.

‘Can you put your dog on a lead?’ he says. ‘Or my dog will bite him.’

For nearly two years I’ve been walking down by the river in the 8.00 to 8.30am slot, Norman jumping in and out of the river enjoying himself. This and the shouty woman at the rugby club, time to go in search of The Infinity Gauntlet again.

Here’s what I consider to be the British version of Bat Out of Hell without the bell tolling and the flying out of your body bit. Just an old depressed man on a bike.

So the old rocker gets out his bike
To make a ton before he takes his leave
Up on the A1 by Scotch Corner
Just like it used to be

And as he flies, tears in his eyes
His wind-whipped words echo the final take
And he hits the trunk road doing around a 120
With no room left to brake

ian anderson – Too Old to Rock ‘n’ Roll: Too Young to Die

One of my fave Jethro Tull songs.

I got into trouble for drawing this wonky-looking sketch of our kitchen. Several friends wrote in and said it looks nothing like our kitchen, it’s far too tidy. That is the beauty of being an artist. I can leave out the pile of undies, the stack of unopened bills and the half-finished bottle of wine (I finished it don’t worry).

I went a bit Shakespearean with this Facebook post. I was really hoping the next house along was ‘ Not 2B’ but it was not to be, it was 2A, so that’s boring.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

.

From 19 May 2023

Managed to get a couple more done from the suggestions list this week. Ronnie Van Zant, Mark King and a Saab.

More amazing customers have sent in these photos

Thanks to Liz and Stuart for sending in these. Liz bought her son-in-law the Angus v The Devil canvas print (behind him) and she said he was chuffed with it. And look it’s on his wall, so he must be And now I am. Thanks Liz. And thanks Stuart for wearing the Skwiggles one instead of Joe’s 🙂

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

All I can say about Friday is that it was a good cloud day, unless you’re an elephant being chased by a mouse.

Saturday

Before I could rip my ears off and stamp on them repeatedly, Diane said:

‘For a moment there I thought you said ‘Let’s…’

I haven’t watched it since I was at university and did the one drink from each country thing.

Wish I’d done that this time.

I started to cry when Diane said: ‘That’s the jury votes done, now for another 11 hours of the viewers’ votes. We’re still in with a chance.’

Sunday

Wanted to show Norman the delights of one of the best walks in the Lake District – Helvellyn from Glenridding. But he couldn’t get his butt out of bed early enough (always blame Norman for everything), so when we got to the car park it was the same as last time. Here’s what happened last time I went:

Helvellyn

Monday

What an outrage, woke up to discover it wasn’t a bank holiday.

Then I realised I work at Skwiggles and every day is full of fun and laughter, isn’t it Sweetie?

Tuesday

Found out something today using pure logic. Experts say dogs eat grass because the dog somehow knows it’s lacking in essential nutrients. Therefore, I must eat custard creams every day because I’m lacking in essential creaminess. Listen to your body, is my advice.

Wednesday

While out for our weekly scone afternoon, me mam found another King Charles and insisted on a photo, I think she’s become obsessed.

Thursday

Just to continue with the psychological profiling of my neighbours. A few doors down from me must work at Jurassic Park:

And the song for this week is from Bob and incorporates our family motto

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young

bob dylan – forever young

At 56, the forever young bit is firmly on the inside and heavily disguised by an ancient looking exterior.

Do you think there’s any need to go anywhere anymore? I love flying around the world on Google Earth, especially with the 3D mode on in cities. I flew to London a couple of days ago and hovered over Tower Bridge for a bit and drew this:

I’m not the tidiest person, as this photo of our living room will confirm.

I feel Diane’s going to go into Spring clean mode any time soon, which is scary.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 12 May 2023

Managed to get a couple done from the suggestions list this week. I kept up the Roman theme a little with Russell.

More amazing customers have sent in these photos

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Thursday

As you may remember, I was walking Hadrian’s Wall last/this week. 84 Miles from The Solway Firth to Wallsend in Newcastle. It took us 4.5 days. Quick sketch of what my legs felt like at the start just thinking about the walk.

Friday

Me and Norman got chased by cows – twice. If you’ve seen The Lion King then it will be very easy for you to imagine the scene.

Saturday

My daughter joined us and we did the toughest and best section, where we actually saw a wall and some old ruins (yes, me and Rich – (knew you were thinking that)).

Although Rich has got an American dentist and moisturizes regularly, so looks 10 years younger than me. I told my daughters me and Rich were the same age, to which they replied in very serious voices:

I’m moisturizing now

Sunday

Before setting off today I wish I’d called Norris McWhirter, because we inadvertently completed the longest pub crawl that’s ever been done (23 miles). Had a Beer in the Robin Hood Inn, another in the Three Tuns in Heddon-on-the-Wall and then four more on the Quayside in Newcastle. Because you know what…

Monday

Four miles to the finish. We got there and I was about to do something like this:

When Rich had a great idea.

‘Let’s carry on to the coast, so we can say we’ve walked from coast to coast. It’s only 8 more miles in the pouring rain.’

I modified my speech:

Tuesday

Rich went home and I spent all day feeling sorry for my feet and watching them gently pulse in the way your thumb does when you’ve whacked it 4 times with a hammer.

Wednesday

If you’d like to read more about me whining about aging and looking old, then this is for you:

It was during Covid, we weren’t robbing him.

Thursday

I’m over it now. So to cheer myself up I continued with the psychological profiling of my neighbours. I took this photo:

And jumped to the totally reasonable conclusion that the right one is uncharitable and selfish and won’t lift a finger for the slacker on the left.

Two more neighbours catalogued

Although I got into trouble on Facebook, because people said the person on the left was obviously doing No Mow May and was an environmentalist and not a slacker. If so, they are serious environmentalists and doing No Mow 2023 just like they did in 2022.

This is the only song that kept going through my head this week

And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

the proclaimers

Or maybe this one

Did I tell you I’d walk a few miles this week? Don’t think I’ve mentioned it.

Norman proved once again that he is the cleverest dog in Britain.

I had to open the gate for him.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 5 May 2023

Sorry, I haven’t done anything from the suggestions list this week, very poor, I know. If you’ve just clicked through from the newsletter you’ll know this is happening:

I’m walking Hadrian’s wall. I’ll keep you informed.

More amazing customers have sent in these photos

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

I was walking along, minding my own business, and then I thought to myself: What I really want to do right now is an impression of Edward Scissorhands, yes, that’s exactly what I want to do, but then I looked up and saw this:

And I couldn’t

Saturday

Took a photo of Lord’s Seat from the top of Sale Fell. I always think Lord’s Seat is a majestic name for a mountain

The one next to it (with the arrow) is called Barf, not quite as majestic.

Sunday

Norman was 2 today, so as promised to aid his transition from idiot to mature sensibleness I read him this speech based on the famous Rudyard Kipling poem to his son – ‘If’

Let the growing up begin.

Norman,
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are running and sniffing bums in the park,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Your poop will be scooped with none on my fingers.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To walk on the lead and not rupture my spleen.

If you can dream—without snoring and grunting
Then one day we might hear the telly. 
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds less barking at the postie.
If you can think—even a tiny little bit,
Yours is the biscuit tin and everything that’s in it.   
And—which is more—you’ll be a good dog, my friend!

And then we did this

Monday

It’s May the 4th on Thursday and you are not going to believe what flew over my head today.

Tuesday

Our American friend turned up to limber up for the big walk tomorrow. Little does he know what an incredibly fast walker I am, if you need to know more and the trouble I got into because of it, click below.

Fast Walker

Wednesday

Walking Hadrian’s Wall.

Thursday

Walking Hadrian’s Wall.

I love this song by Will Varley

Come let’s light a fire
Drink a beer and sing a song
We’ll be dead before we know it
We don’t have very long
As the world outside collapses
And confuses right and wrong
Light a fire
Drink a beer…
Sing a song

As for my soul – will varley

I’ve swapped my winter haircut for a fancy summer one:

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 28 April 2023

And thanks to these amazing customers for sending in these photos

Our Diary

Here’s the key points from our week

Friday

Diane went to see Olly Murs (I know and she’s 53), so I was forced to drink a whole bottle of red wine to myself, having no one to share it with. And then the red wine and the heavy rock music I was listening to, persuaded me that a large vodka or two would be appropriate. May have air guitared at some point.

Saturday

Gave up drinking again.

Woke up and remembered I’d been listening to Motorhead and drawn about 20 sketches of Lemmy as fast as I could look

Steven Bartlett from Dragon’s Den keeps going on about TikTok and how all businesses should be on it, so this was me trying to draw Lemmy in a minute while drunk. Didn’t go well.

Sunday

Walked along the banks of Thirlmere with Norman and was offended by the rudeness of this sign.

There really is no need for that sort of language and grumpiness on a sign

Monday

Can you believe I went out drinking again after Friday. We have a Monday night club, which happens about twice a year. It’s some friends I used to work with, I go and drink and try and remember who the hell they’re talking about

‘You remember Fat Lump, don’t you?’

‘Oh yes, big guy in accountants.’

‘No, Fat Lump, he’s skinny as a rake, sits next to Beanpole who’s chair collapsed last week, the fat lump.’

I can never get the hang of the nicknames.

But I’m always grateful to them for The Psychic story they told me

Tuesday

Gave up drinking again

Wednesday

Took me mam into The Lakes for a coffee and scone, and look who we bumped into.

If you want to know more about me mam’s commitment to scones you need to read:

Four Scone Day

Thursday

Had a walk down the Eden Valley and discovered Gandalf’s staff lying outside the Gates of Moria

After 30 years of marriage, when she saw this photo Diane said to me ‘You’re an absolute geek aren’t you?’

I’m glad that’s finally out in the open.

This thing bites, so be careful in Bassenthwaite Lake

Springsteen’s Lucky Town album was released in the same year me and Diane got married, so this is our song.

We said we’d walk together, baby, come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we’re walking a hand should slip free
I’ll wait for you, should I fall behind wait for me

SPRINGsTEEN

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From 21 April 2023

Here’s the result of the relentless questioning from last week. the question being:

What do you want to see more of on this page?

So it’s more T-shirt sketches, blog posts and photos from Norman’s Walk. Thanks for doing that.

Cricket season has started again, but one thing I won’t be doing is playing, here’s why.

The most boring batsman in the history of boredom

And thanks to these amazing customers for sending in these photos

Norman has insisted that I warn you of a terrifying thing that’s happening in our very streets. He saw this and had the same reaction that I would’ve had if Freddy Krueger and the Weeping Angels were racing down the street after me.

So

Our Diary

Thought I’d tell you about the key points in our week

Friday

Selflessly started drinking more Brewdog IPA because the more I drink the more trees they plant. I am an eco-warrior.

Saturday Morning

Clicked on ‘Proof: Aliens are among us’ on Facebook and now every other post in my feed confirms this. I am easily influenced, doesn’t Facebook know this?

Sunday

Spent the afternoon in A & E.

My daughter wasn’t well and we called 111. That redirected us to a webpage that redirected us to an online form that told us to dial 999 which seemed excessive. I’ve only dialed 999 once and I won’t be doing it again because this happened

Emergency Services

Anyway, we panicked a little with the 999 advice and took her to A&E. Four hours later she got some antibiotics and I got to sit next to a man who enjoyed clearing his throat and coughing phlegm up into a tissue. I’ll be back next week, no doubt.

Monday

Got a parking fine because RingGo doesn’t work deep in the valleys of The Lake District.

Tuesday

Me mam compared me to Elvis when I had 3 beers, a couple of Rennies and an antihistamine. I was too scared to sit on the toilet for a week after that.

Wednesday

My daughter kept playing Year 3000 by Busted. They go in a time machine to, yes, the Year 3000. Here’s the lyrics I have trouble with: ‘Not much has changed but they live underwater.”
Quite a change I think.
And is it necessary for them to tell me that they met my great, great granddaughter and she ‘is pretty fine.’ Keep your boy band hands off her.

Thursday

Really wanted to buy this sign

So I could live at the same address as I did when I was five.:

My House, Wigton, Cumbria, The World, The Universe

I was listening to the Scorpions this week. I still love this song despite everything.

Klaus has now changed the first line of the song to:

‘Now listen to my heart / It says Ukraine,

Waiting for the wind to change.’

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane

From14 April 2023

Here’s what we did from the suggestions list this week

Had to go to the dentist again for another wisdom tooth out, last time I wrote about how much fun that was

The Dentists

Never be this disappointed

And thanks to these amazing customers for sending in these photos

Tuesday night was the windy night in Cumbria. We had one plastic bottle running up and down our street all night shouting ‘Wooo, windy isn’t it?’ in its plasticy, rattly voice. But I’m glad this bin party wasn’t outside ours.

Getting Battered by Kids

Not sure about you, but getting battered by big kids in the 1970s was just one of life’s little irritations.

I climbed up Skiddaw during the week to get you this panoramic photo of Keswick, Derwent Water and the majesty of the Borrowdale Valley.

Next time I’ll stop at home take a photo of the wall and say it’s Mount Blanc.

That’s it for now. Have a great week. Come back soon.

Ian and Diane