Everyday Things

After a bit of a rough weekend of socializing last week, I have done a deep dive into the benefits of drinking beer. You know TikTok or Facebook, or wherever else you go for the truth, that is where I

I suddenly turned 57 this week, not sure how that happened, because last time I looked I was 32. But I’ve had enough, and that’s why I’m writing this using my feet, sitting on the roof of my house, wearing a viking

This week I hiked Hadrian’s Wall with these two. I’m the tired-looking one who looks like he’s just celebrated his 600th birthday. As for the two behind me, one is an irritating character who won’t do as he’s told and

21 Oct 22 – Read this and you’ll be like the man who got run down by a train I know this will be hard to believe, but occasionally I get on Diane’s nerves. Here’s an example – she asked

30 Sept 22 – Bin Day 2 Not sure I should be telling you this but I’m building up an extensive psychological profile of all my neighbours within about a mile radius. It’s not quite as overt as staring through

2 Sept 22 – Bin Day Bin day is my favourite day of the week. There is nothing better than rummaging through the fridge to find the squishy stuff and spectacularly slam-dunking it in the wheelie bin. I’ve never slam-dunked,

26 Aug 22 – Cars and Vans I’ve had a few incidents with motor vehicles over the years. I haven’t thrashed any with a twig yet, but there’s still time. I was walking down the street and a car pulled

8 July 22 – Neighbours Hi Everyone, I know everything about everyone in our neighbourhood. I’m not a curtain twitcher, I just get bored easily and exaggerate. I take Norman out about 10 every night to get rid of the

It’s Good Friday, and my mam has made me write about religion this week.She hasn’t really, but that voice in my head that’s either created by God or a few neurons firing randomly, thought it might be a good idea. 

1 April 22 – Portrait Artist of the Year Hi Everyone, Thought I tell you about my Sky Portrait Artist of the Year experience a few years ago.There I am pretending to concentrate in the back, but really trying to

Spooky Castle Here’s where my mind took me at 3.00am last night. I’m not a great sleeper, Diane says I’m a very light sleeper which is why I keep the window closed. Luckily, the last time it was open I

21 Jan 22 – Fast Walker Hi Everyone, This week I scared someone on a dark lane.I didn’t mean to, it’s not a hobby of mine. So I apologise to the innocent teenager who was the victim. Sorry, innocent teenager

14 Jan 22 – Home Alone Hi Everyone, Diane’s mum has had a hip operation so Diane’s 25 miles down the road helping out there, so I’ve been left in charge this week. Before she left, Diane sat my daughter

26 Nov 21 – Black Friday Hi Everyone, It’s BLACK FRIDAY, forget about 50% off at Amazon, 70% New Look, 200% off at…  forget about all that, we’re giving away a free car, look Not only that, you also get

Have you ever done this for 90 minutes before? I have, and it wasn’t just because it was a quiet Sunday. I was at the dentist’s getting my wisdom teeth out. My top teeth aren’t too bad but my bottom

24 Sept 21 – The Psychic Hi Everyone, Once upon a time I worked at the local factory, and I had the pleasure of working with Bezel, a genuine psychic. That’s Bezel standing in front of a strange straggly looking

10 Sept 21 – The Beard Hi Everyone, In lockdown, I decided to do what every other man decided to do and see what type of beard I could actually grow. Diane isn’t a big fan, but this is what

Chased by Hounds A while ago I was out on my bike enjoying the lovely Cumbrian countryside, here I am: No, sorry, wrong sketch I’d just safely negotiated a Strava section called ‘Chased by hounds’ which was very well named

13 Aug 21 – Getting Organized Hi Everyone, After the chaos of our holidays last week, I thought, let’s get organized. As usual, I can best describe my vision of the future with a quick skwiggle. So I read ‘Getting

30 July 21 – Fatty Hi Everyone, Hope you’re having another great week. I tried on my ‘good’ going-out jeans the other day. And something bad happened. I haven’t tried them on for about a year, because I’ve been living

16 July 21 – New Starter Hi Everyone, Hope you’re having another great week I’ve got an important announcement to make this week, so I’m going to big this one up with the help of a terrible drawing of Dermot O’Leary,

9 July 21 – Live till you’re 1000 Hi Everyone, Hope you’re having another great week It was my birthday this week. Thanks, I know, 55, you wouldn’t believe it would you. I don’t look a day over… okay let’s

Helvellyn Was anyone in Liverpool city centre last Saturday morning? Answer: no there wasn’t? Do you know why, because you were all at Lake District National Park Car Park in Glenridding at 8.25 am. My idea was to have a

Emergency Services You wouldn’t think a simple phone call to John Lewis, wondering where my 2L Kilner Cliptop glass jars had got to, would lead to the police knocking on my door 15 minutes later. But that’s what happened. A very nice John

7 May 21 – Is that your Dad? Hi Everyone, Hope you’re having another great week. For this email please go to Spotify and search for incredibly sad violin music or, perhaps, that music Simon Bates used to play for Our

23 April 21 – The Shower Hi Everyone, Hope you’re having another great week. This week I have to speak out about a serious issue. This:What’s all that stuff? You’ll notice, in the right corner, my cold tar and coconuty Alberto Balsam,